Twyla Sands Quotes Page 1 of 3

Quote from Moira's Nudes

Twyla: Between you and me, I know how hard it can be to pay off debt. My Uncle Ken only has three fingers now, which is too bad, because he's deaf, and he only speaks using sign language, but he made his choices.


Quote from Our Cup Runneth Over

Twyla: Hi, I'm Twyla. I'll be your waitress today. Anyway, I read about you guys, and everything you've gone through, it sounds super crappy.
Johnny: Super crappy?
Twyla: I had a second cousin in Elmdale who did telemarketing, he made a ton of money. It turns out his entire business was illegal, and he lost everything.
Johnny: Hm. Not quite the same.
Twyla: Yeah, no, he went to prison, which is terrible, but... But he is learning Spanish, "No mas, le duele!" I think it means, "Stop, it hurts."
Moira: Oh, wonderful anecdote. Could you give us a moment please?

Quote from Little Sister

Alexis: So what's going on over there?
Twyla: I'm just working on something. Just a little thing for Mutt.
Alexis: Oh! Is it his birthday or something?
Twyla: No. Um, my dad always said, "When in doubt, say it with a song." He was a roadie with Fleetwood Mac and that was the last thing Mick Fleetwood said to him before the band hit him with a restraining order.

Quote from The Crowening

Twyla: Just so you're aware, Mr. Rose, the special is cream of mushroom soup. We don't actually have to-go containers for that, so I've just double-bagged it. Would you like a spoon or a straw?

Quote from Bad Parents

Twyla: Hey. Have we decided?
Moira: Just coffee, please.
Johnny: Uh, Twyla, do you get along with your parents?
Twyla: I did. It's a little different now. My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela. And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison.
Johnny: I'm sorry I asked.
Twyla: Oh, that's okay! I'll get you your coffees.

Quote from RIP Moira Roise

Twyla: I can't believe it. I mean, I literally saw her walk past the cafe yesterday.
Gwen: I know.
Twyla: And again, you know my thing with ghosts? But she didn't seem angry like the other ones.

Quote from Turkey Shoot

Alexis: Hey, Twy. Um, Twy, what is in the "Meadow Harvest" smoothie?
Twyla: Uh you know, it changes every day. Just depends on my mood. But it's all organic, earthy ingredients.
Alexis: Okay, so it's like fruity or..?
Twyla: Yes, it is. Yup. At times. And then other times, not.
Alexis: Okay! Well, today, is it more fruity or more vegetably?
Twyla: No, I don't know. I've gotta check in the back and see what we have.
Alexis: So Meadow Harvest doesn't refer to anything in particular.
Twyla: No, Meadow Harvest is exactly how it sounds. It just changes everyday.

Quote from Carl's Funeral

Twyla: Hey, Bob. How are you holding up?
Bob: Oh, you know. Not bad.
Twyla: You know, they say death is just life except you're not here. You're somewhere else, you know? But- But that's okay because at least you're somewhere, you know? But when does- When does somewhere become there? And when does there become here? And I- It-
Bob: Just, just a coffee, please.
Twyla: For here?
Bob: Yeah.

Quote from Grad Night

Jocelyn: Sorry, gals. I just got caught up on the phone. I have good news and, and some bad news.
Twyla: Oh. Is the bad news that there is no good news? My aunt used to play this game with me a lot.

Quote from The Hike

Alexis: Um, so where did you learn how to tell fortunes, Twy?
Twyla: Oh, one of my mom's ex-boyfriends was a magician, and a gambling addict. But he was also really good at reading tarot cards. He predicted when he was going to leave my mom, like, to the day.

Quote from The Job Interview

Twyla: My mom had a turtle dove that was eaten by her ex-fiancé's snake. That was a bad sign.
Alexis: Oh my God.
Twyla: And it happened on Valentine's Day.
Alexis: Mm.
Twyla: And her fiancé was a Satanist.

Quote from Maid of Honour

Twyla: Were the crows nice?
Moira: Hm.
Twyla: My uncle had a parrot that just kept asking me to take my bra off.

Quote from Start Spreading The News

Twyla: Alexis, between us, I don't do this job for the money.
Alexis: Okay, well, if you don't do this for money I'm scared to know what you do do for money.
Twyla: Okay, now that you're leaving, can you keep a secret?
Alexis: Depends on how dark it's gonna get, but yes.
Twyla: I won some money in the lottery a few years ago.
Alexis: Oh my God, Twy! Go you! Why did you not tell me this before?
Twyla: Well, because you guys had just gotten here and, and you had just lost all your money. Well, what was I gonna say? I just won $92 million?
Alexis: You won $92 million?
Twyla: Oh, no. Sorry.
Alexis: Okay. Okay, because I literally was about to pass out.
Twyla: Yeah. No, no. I split the $92 million with another guy.

Quote from Milk Money

Twyla: Between us, I had a bad experience with black market milk.
Johnny: Oh?
Twyla: Granted, I bought it from a man who I later found out was a drifter. Anyway, it made a lot of people sick, and I am almost positive now it wasn't cow's milk.
Johnny: Okay.
Twyla: It might've been elk's milk. Is elk's milk a thing?
Johnny: I don't know. I don't know.

Quote from Bob's Bagels

Twyla: Well, congratulations. Let me get the champagne. You guys are gonna love it. It's the same one we use to celebrate my mom's divorces.

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