Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Bachelor Party’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: The Bachelor Party

611. The Bachelor Party

Aired March 17, 2020

The family gathers at an escape room for David and Patrick's bachelor party.

Quote from Alexis

Producer: Just hit record.
Alexis: [imitating Moira] "Try one of our in-flight meals, if you dare... at Larry Air." I'm sorry, this is not... This is not good, so... Hmm, hmm, hmm!

Rate

Quote from Moira

Producer: Okay. Whenever you're ready, Moira. Just start at the top, and high energy.
Moira: Con brio, Si! [clears throat] "We really care... at Larry Air." I like that, it's snappy. "We really care...
Producer: Just roll right through. Just go on to the next line, please.
Moira: "A deal so rare, it's Larry Air." "Never flown Larry Air? Try Larry Air." Oh, that's a touch uninspired. Alexis [whispers] Alexis! I'd rather not use that one.
Alexis: Okay, so I'm being told just to read through them all and then we'll figure it out after, okay? And higher energy.
Moira: Higher... [clears throat] "Get your derriere on Larry Air... " That's a bit chummy for an airline. Couldn't we maybe take a moment to rework some of these?
Producer: The client's not here. It's my job just to get you to say the words.
Moira: [sighs] "Larry Air. We'll take you from there... to here... " Now that should switched, shouldn't it? You should... Alexis, I can't work like this!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, I've used the clues to turn the dials on the flashlight, and it spells out England. So, thank you, my weekend with Tom Hardy... England is here.
Johnny: It says something.
Alexis: "I'm tall when I'm young and short when I'm old." Candle.
Stevie: How are you doing this?
Alexis: [gasps] What?
Patrick: Laser. Laser's pointing at...
Alexis: Okay, I got this, Patrick. Okay, this is an ancient Egyptian symbol for stability. My friend Prairie got one tattooed on her lower-back in seventh grade.
David: Okay, what does that mean?!
Alexis: It means that we need to find something from Egypt. So like mummies, Rami Malek, a... a pyramid.
David: What?
Alexis: And there it is.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Before we find ourselves ebrious with hooch and happiness, may I say how very proud all of us are on this day of days.
David: Well, we did say no speeches, so...
Moira: Your father...
Stevie: Guess they listened.
Moira: With his pecuniary savvy and intrepidation has turned what began as a katzenjammer of a day into one filled with faith, hope and love.
Johnny: Well, thank you, sweetheart.

Quote from David

David: Okay, isn't that a Jodie Foster movie?
Patrick: No, David, that is Panic Room. An escape room is like a, a fun group game where you're trapped in a room and you have to solve all these puzzles to get out.
David: [laughs] You lost me at fun group game. I'm sorry, my family agreed to this?
Stevie: Your family hasn't responded to a single email, so they will be doing what we tell them to do.
David: Is there anything else on my list that we could do this evening?
Stevie: If you could come up with the money for the Tahitian dolphin cruise, I'd happily change plans. No?
David: Don't say a word.

Quote from Stevie

[Patrick holds up an "I'm with stupid ->" t-shirt. David holds up a t-shirt which reads "I'm stupid"]
David: Okay, Stevie, I told you I didn't want a jokey bachelor party. Also, my t-shirt is missing the "with".
Stevie: Oh, no, I had yours custom-made.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Now, before I tell you what I have planned... for tonight's festivities, I think we can all agree that putting me in charge of your joint bachelor party was a big mistake, right?
Patrick: I'm sure it's gonna be great.
David: Absolutely.
Stevie: And the fact that you guys wanted it to be the "bachelor party of your dreams" only added extra, totally unnecessary pressure to the whole thing.
Patrick: 'Kay, Stevie, we never said that.
Stevie: Oh, no, you didn't. David sent me a seven-page e-mail with the subject line, "The Bachelor Party of My Dreams".

Quote from Moira

Ronnie: And you said Nicole Kidman is starring in it?
Moira: Oh, it doesn't matter who's starring! I don't think the point is getting across.
Ronnie: No, no, I get it. It's just that a lot of people would have a really hard time saying no to that kind of work, especially when you spent the last three years talking about how badly you wanted to get outta this place.
Moira: Oh, we're still on course. Oh, you know what they say, when one door closes, the floodgates open.
Twyla: You got another job?
Moira: Say hello, ladies, to the new spokesperson of an international airline.
Twyla: Oh my gosh, Mrs. Rose! You're gonna be in a commercial for an airline?!
Moira: Radio, yes. Voice-over work is every actor's dream.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: I have to admit, Mrs. Rose, these past few weeks, I feel like I've been waiting on a famous person.
Moira: [laughs] Twyla, you're not waiting on a famous person. She's already arrived!

Quote from Roland

Stevie: 'Kay, what's going on?
Johnny: Hey, guys, come on in! Close the door.
Roland: Johnny, this better be good. I got a hot little BLT over at the café and I don't wanna keep her waitin'.

Quote from David

David: But here's one thing that'll make you feel good... my bachelor party tonight.
Alexis: I'm pretty sure I told Stevie that I couldn't come, or like I started sending her an email saying that. I don't know, I just... I can't seem to do anything right now.
David: Mm-hmm. I never thought I'd have to say this, but there is only space in this family for one unstable sibling, and I have held that title for a very long time, so you are going to have to get it together.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis!
Alexis: Ugh!
Moira: Are you almost ready, dear? The airline will not be impressed if we don't have an on-schedule arrival at the studio.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, David, is it all right if I don't watch Panic Room with everyone tonight? Jo Foster once screened it for me privately and I would like to keep that memory safe.
David: It's an escape room followed by a really sad reception, and everyone will be participating. Thank you so much!

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Roland, I need you manning the phones.
Roland: [sighs] Take it easy, Johnny, okay? Not that it's gonna happen, but I'll come running when Ike Morrison calls.
Johnny: You mean Mike Morrison.
Roland: You're waiting on a call from him, too?
Johnny: That's the only call I'm expecting.
Roland: No, you said you were waiting on a call from "Ike" Morrison.
Johnny: I don't know an Ike Morrison. Mike Morrison was my assistant for 3 years, I think I know what his name is.
Roland: Well, that's what I thought! So I was confused when a Mike Morrison called after you said Ike Morrison...
Johnny: Mike Morrison called?!
Roland: Yeah.
Johnny: Well, give me the number!

Quote from Moira

Patrick: So I guess you're all wondering uh... what're we doing here? [laughs] But, uh, the annual escape room challenge has been a Brewer family tradition for a long time, and I thought it could be fun to share it with my new family, since mine couldn't be here, so.
Moira: [whispers] Have they passed?

Quote from Moira

Moira: Please just give us the key.
Johnny: The key, or our phones! Either way!
Moira: No, the key! John, what is this new-found obsession with your device?

Quote from Alexis

David: So, for someone who is all about signs, what do you think it meant that you were the one that got us out of the Galapagos?
Alexis: [laughs] Honestly? Like... being in a high-pressure situation, with time running out and a lot of people yelling at me, it just like... made me feel like myself again.
David: Well, mission accomplished. And you're out of your sweatpants, so things are looking up.
Alexis: [mock giggle]
David: I think it might be time to let go of that succulent.
Alexis: Okay, I've been thinking about that. Do you think that maybe it died because it outgrew its little pot?
David: No, I watched you slowly kill it.
Alexis: Like maybe it realized that it missed the bigger pots that it used to grow in, and maybe it can't live up to its full potential in such a small space? David, I'm starting to feel that I'm a lot like the plant.
David: I was tracking the metaphor, but um... what're you saying?
Alexis: I don't know. Like maybe it's time I think about being somewhere else, finding a bigger pot to grow in.

Quote from Alexis

David: Hi. What, uh, um... are those... sweatpants?
Alexis: Yeah, I started getting dressed for work and I got distracted.
David: What could have possibly distracted you enough to do that to yourself?
Alexis: [emotional] It died, David.
David: Okay, if you're talking about your style, we can bring it back to life.
Alexis: Ted gave this to me. It's like the one thing left of our relationship and it's gone.
David: 'Kay, I would argue that you still have your memories.
Alexis: This weird little desert daisy thing...
David: It's a succulent.
Alexis: Literally not supposed to die, and yet it did. Like, what does that say about me?
David: I think that's a longer conversation.


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode