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36Quotes from ‘The Bachelor Party’

Schitt's Creek: The Bachelor Party

611. The Bachelor Party

Aired March 17, 2020

The family gathers at an escape room for David and Patrick's bachelor party.

Quote from Alexis

Producer: Just hit record.
Alexis: [imitating Moira] "Try one of our in-flight meals, if you dare... at Larry Air." I'm sorry, this is not... This is not good, so... Hmm, hmm, hmm!

Quote from Moira

Producer: Okay. Whenever you're ready, Moira. Just start at the top, and high energy.
Moira: Con brio, Si! [clears throat] "We really care... at Larry Air." I like that, it's snappy. "We really care...
Producer: Just roll right through. Just go on to the next line, please.
Moira: "A deal so rare, it's Larry Air." "Never flown Larry Air? Try Larry Air." Oh, that's a touch uninspired. Alexis [whispers] Alexis! I'd rather not use that one.
Alexis: Okay, so I'm being told just to read through them all and then we'll figure it out after, okay? And higher energy.
Moira: Higher... [clears throat] "Get your derriere on Larry Air... " That's a bit chummy for an airline. Couldn't we maybe take a moment to rework some of these?
Producer: The client's not here. It's my job just to get you to say the words.
Moira: [sighs] "Larry Air. We'll take you from there... to here... " Now that should switched, shouldn't it? You should... Alexis, I can't work like this!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, I've used the clues to turn the dials on the flashlight, and it spells out England. So, thank you, my weekend with Tom Hardy... England is here.
Johnny: It says something.
Alexis: "I'm tall when I'm young and short when I'm old." Candle.
Stevie: How are you doing this?
Alexis: [gasps] What?
Patrick: Laser. Laser's pointing at...
Alexis: Okay, I got this, Patrick. Okay, this is an ancient Egyptian symbol for stability. My friend Prairie got one tattooed on her lower-back in seventh grade.
David: Okay, what does that mean?!
Alexis: It means that we need to find something from Egypt. So like mummies, Rami Malek, a... a pyramid.
David: What?
Alexis: And there it is.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Before we find ourselves ebrious with hooch and happiness, may I say how very proud all of us are on this day of days.
David: Well, we did say no speeches, so...
Moira: Your father...
Stevie: Guess they listened.
Moira: With his pecuniary savvy and intrepidation has turned what began as a katzenjammer of a day into one filled with faith, hope and love.
Johnny: Well, thank you, sweetheart.

Quote from David

David: Okay, isn't that a Jodie Foster movie?
Patrick: No, David, that is Panic Room. An escape room is like a, a fun group game where you're trapped in a room and you have to solve all these puzzles to get out.
David: [laughs] You lost me at fun group game. I'm sorry, my family agreed to this?
Stevie: Your family hasn't responded to a single email, so they will be doing what we tell them to do.
David: Is there anything else on my list that we could do this evening?
Stevie: If you could come up with the money for the Tahitian dolphin cruise, I'd happily change plans. No?
David: Don't say a word.

Quote from Stevie

[Patrick holds up an "I'm with stupid ->" t-shirt. David holds up a t-shirt which reads "I'm stupid"]
David: Okay, Stevie, I told you I didn't want a jokey bachelor party. Also, my t-shirt is missing the "with".
Stevie: Oh, no, I had yours custom-made.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Now, before I tell you what I have planned... for tonight's festivities, I think we can all agree that putting me in charge of your joint bachelor party was a big mistake, right?
Patrick: I'm sure it's gonna be great.
David: Absolutely.
Stevie: And the fact that you guys wanted it to be the "bachelor party of your dreams" only added extra, totally unnecessary pressure to the whole thing.
Patrick: 'Kay, Stevie, we never said that.
Stevie: Oh, no, you didn't. David sent me a seven-page e-mail with the subject line, "The Bachelor Party of My Dreams".

Quote from Moira

Ronnie: And you said Nicole Kidman is starring in it?
Moira: Oh, it doesn't matter who's starring! I don't think the point is getting across.
Ronnie: No, no, I get it. It's just that a lot of people would have a really hard time saying no to that kind of work, especially when you spent the last three years talking about how badly you wanted to get outta this place.
Moira: Oh, we're still on course. Oh, you know what they say, when one door closes, the floodgates open.
Twyla: You got another job?
Moira: Say hello, ladies, to the new spokesperson of an international airline.
Twyla: Oh my gosh, Mrs. Rose! You're gonna be in a commercial for an airline?!
Moira: Radio, yes. Voice-over work is every actor's dream.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: I have to admit, Mrs. Rose, these past few weeks, I feel like I've been waiting on a famous person.
Moira: [laughs] Twyla, you're not waiting on a famous person. She's already arrived!

Quote from Roland

Stevie: 'Kay, what's going on?
Johnny: Hey, guys, come on in! Close the door.
Roland: Johnny, this better be good. I got a hot little BLT over at the café and I don't wanna keep her waitin'.

Quote from David

David: But here's one thing that'll make you feel good... my bachelor party tonight.
Alexis: I'm pretty sure I told Stevie that I couldn't come, or like I started sending her an email saying that. I don't know, I just... I can't seem to do anything right now.
David: Mm-hmm. I never thought I'd have to say this, but there is only space in this family for one unstable sibling, and I have held that title for a very long time, so you are going to have to get it together.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis!
Alexis: Ugh!
Moira: Are you almost ready, dear? The airline will not be impressed if we don't have an on-schedule arrival at the studio.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, David, is it all right if I don't watch Panic Room with everyone tonight? Jo Foster once screened it for me privately and I would like to keep that memory safe.
David: It's an escape room followed by a really sad reception, and everyone will be participating. Thank you so much!

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Roland, I need you manning the phones.
Roland: [sighs] Take it easy, Johnny, okay? Not that it's gonna happen, but I'll come running when Ike Morrison calls.
Johnny: You mean Mike Morrison.
Roland: You're waiting on a call from him, too?
Johnny: That's the only call I'm expecting.
Roland: No, you said you were waiting on a call from "Ike" Morrison.
Johnny: I don't know an Ike Morrison. Mike Morrison was my assistant for 3 years, I think I know what his name is.
Roland: Well, that's what I thought! So I was confused when a Mike Morrison called after you said Ike Morrison...
Johnny: Mike Morrison called?!
Roland: Yeah.
Johnny: Well, give me the number!

Quote from Moira

Patrick: So I guess you're all wondering uh... what're we doing here? [laughs] But, uh, the annual escape room challenge has been a Brewer family tradition for a long time, and I thought it could be fun to share it with my new family, since mine couldn't be here, so.
Moira: [whispers] Have they passed?

Quote from Moira

Moira: Please just give us the key.
Johnny: The key, or our phones! Either way!
Moira: No, the key! John, what is this new-found obsession with your device?

Quote from Alexis

David: So, for someone who is all about signs, what do you think it meant that you were the one that got us out of the Galapagos?
Alexis: [laughs] Honestly? Like... being in a high-pressure situation, with time running out and a lot of people yelling at me, it just like... made me feel like myself again.
David: Well, mission accomplished. And you're out of your sweatpants, so things are looking up.
Alexis: [mock giggle]
David: I think it might be time to let go of that succulent.
Alexis: Okay, I've been thinking about that. Do you think that maybe it died because it outgrew its little pot?
David: No, I watched you slowly kill it.
Alexis: Like maybe it realized that it missed the bigger pots that it used to grow in, and maybe it can't live up to its full potential in such a small space? David, I'm starting to feel that I'm a lot like the plant.
David: I was tracking the metaphor, but um... what're you saying?
Alexis: I don't know. Like maybe it's time I think about being somewhere else, finding a bigger pot to grow in.

Quote from Alexis

David: Hi. What, uh, um... are those... sweatpants?
Alexis: Yeah, I started getting dressed for work and I got distracted.
David: What could have possibly distracted you enough to do that to yourself?
Alexis: [emotional] It died, David.
David: Okay, if you're talking about your style, we can bring it back to life.
Alexis: Ted gave this to me. It's like the one thing left of our relationship and it's gone.
David: 'Kay, I would argue that you still have your memories.
Alexis: This weird little desert daisy thing...
David: It's a succulent.
Alexis: Literally not supposed to die, and yet it did. Like, what does that say about me?
David: I think that's a longer conversation.

Quote from David

Patrick: We will be happy with whatever you've planned. Right, David?
David: Yes. Just depends on what she's planned.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: David, you wanted something chic and elegant. I have arranged for a night of customized appetizers and cocktails at the Wobbly Elm.
David: Wow, that's bleak. [laughs] But thank you... for planning that.
Patrick: There we go.
Stevie: Patrick...
Patrick: Yeah.
Stevie: You just wanted one thing. So before we indulge in an elegant night of shots, we will all experience the thrill of Elmdale's finest and only Escape Room.

Quote from Moira

Moira: So I leaned in and I said, "Tippy, I'll take the job for a hundred grand more than Clifton, and a diamond tennis bracelet."
Twyla: What was the bracelet for?
Moira: Dramatic effect. Symbolism.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Johnny, I'm sorry, I was so busy being excited like you asked, that, um, I think I missed something here. Do we have an investor or do we have a meeting?
Johnny: We might. And I want you to keep this information to yourself. I don't want the family finding out and getting their hopes up.
Stevie: I'm pretty sure I can keep this one to myself.
Roland: Yeah, I don't know about me. I mean, if the local papers ask me about the rumour that you might be getting a phone call...
Johnny: All right, all right, you know what, Roland? You can go and finish your sandwich now.
Roland: Thank you. And by the way, Johnny, you should check to make sure this place isn't bugged. We wouldn't want the big news to leak out!

Quote from Moira

Producer: The copy's on the stand. We'd like for you to read it exactly as written.
Moira: Oh, wow, a prolific amount of material. And I am being paid for each spot, so hah!
Producer: Oh, uh, we agreed to a flat rate with your publicist.
Moira: Well, there'll be nothing flat about my performance.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: I'm so sorry. This is like the first offer I could get after that whole Sunrise Bay thing went down, and I... I thought it would get you back out there, but I did not know that it would be this.
Moira: Have I made a terrible mistake, Alexis? Is this the lowest point of my life?
Alexis: Okay, look who you're talking to. I haven't showered in like two days. Is this the lowest point of my life?
Producer: Thought you should know that we can hear your entire conversation.
Alexis: Ooh... okay. You should not have to do this, so you start the car and I will cover for you.
Moira: Oh, Alexis, no. [gets up, walks out] No, dear, I could not let you do that for me.

Quote from David

David: Okay, well, um, I would just like to welcome everybody to our... bachelor party.
Johnny: Is anyone else not getting a signal in here?
Moira: I thought there were drinks.
Stevie: That's after.
Alexis: Okay, how about half of us do the escape room, and then the other half of us get a table at the bar?
David: Okay, how 'bout you shh for a sec. Now, this will all go a lot smoother if we just accept the fact that this is something we have to do, and that Patrick, for some reason, thinks this is gonna be... [door opens] fun! Fun! Here he is.

Quote from Alexis

Game voice: Charles Darwin is being held captive by his arch-nemesis, rival scientist, Dr. Alfred R. Wallace, somewhere in the Galapagos Islands.
Alexis: What?!
Game voice: You have one hour to escape. It's your job to...
Alexis: This is a Galapagos-themed room!
David: I didn't plan this part.
Stevie: It was just called "The Laboratory." And I picked it 'cause it was the easiest.

Quote from Moira

Game voice: There are rumours that Wallace's assistant sides with Darwin and may be willing to help if you get stuck.
Moira: There's our lucky break. Assistant, show us the exit. Don't worry, I'm also in the Guild.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: That's uh, that's not exactly how it works, Mrs. Rose. We do actually have to try first. Okay. So, the numbers for the combination on Darwin's journal are gonna be on finches with red beaks. "Travelling east to west, the numbers on the beaks will get you to the nest."
Johnny: I have a compass on my phone. Uh, when do we get our phones back?
Patrick: Well, you don't actually need a compass, Mr. Rose. It's, uh, more like a brain teaser. So, uh, we'll cover more ground if we pair off into teams. So Stevie and Mr. Rose, uh, Alexis and, and David, and, uh, Mrs. Rose, why don't you help me out?
Moira: Oh, I'd love nothing more, Patrick.
Patrick: Mrs. Rose, I'm sensing you that you might be a little bit distracted, but unfortunately, there is a time limit on us getting out of here.
Moira: [chuckles] Oh, I used to share your philosophic optimism, dear, but know the reality is, we're never getting out of here.
Patrick: I wouldn't be so sure. Just found a finch. The first number is six, people!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Maybe I made a mistake?
David: I did tell you to wear sensible heels today, and I'm not sure this outfit is entirely appropriate.
Alexis: No, I mean about not going to the Galapagos. Like I'm having a hard time not taking this as a sign.
David: Okay, we're in a strip mall on the side of the highway. I really wouldn't read into this. Also, as stupid as this is, I'm now invested.
Alexis: You know, there was a time, before we got here, that I would've like gone anywhere and done anything, no questions asked. Like, what if I'm just losing my edge?
David: All right, if this'll help me escape this conversation: yes, it would have been a mistake to go.
Alexis: Okay, go on.
David: Well, what were you gonna do? Follow another guy around the world?
Alexis: Yeah, but what am I doing here? Setting Mom up with second-rate radio gigs for regional airlines?
David: 'Kay, well, I don't know, where do you wanna be then?
Alexis: There.
David: [confused] Where?
Alexis: No, the finch. Second row, in the middle. Trust me, Stavros and I used to make out in his parents' aviary.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Excuse me, Assistant? Uh, any chance of getting our phones back? I know, I'm aware of the no-phones situation, but I need mine for a business... See, I don't know what this means. I heard a rumour you're on our side, and I'm, I'm waiting on an important call.

Quote from Patrick

David: Okay, there's no key in here. There is no key in here.
Patrick: That's just the first puzzle, David. It's a series of puzzles.
David: What?!
Johnny: [distant ringing] Wait, wait, everyone! I hear my phone ringing. That's the phone I was talking about. So if I could just leave the lab for one minute...
Game voice: You have 52 minutes to escape.
David: 52 minutes!
Patrick: Hey, David, everyone heard the time, all right? [shouting] 52, people! Let's go! Come on!

Quote from David

Patrick: Blow on them, David! You have to blow on the circles, David! You have to blow on the circles until they're blue.
David: I'm blowing!
Alexis: Blow harder, David!
David: Oh my God, you blow on them! You blow on the circles then!
Stevie: Use this! Use this thing!

Quote from Alexis

David: What is that?
Patrick: It's a flashlight?
Stevie: Oh yeah! Oh my God, this game is actually fun.
Patrick: See? I told you!
David: You're only saying that because you got one right!
Alexis: Oh, your time will come, David.

Quote from Johnny

David: Well, why didn't you say this before? Get the phone!
Patrick: Oh, I don't know. I mean, we've almost finished the game, so.
Moira: You can use my phone, John!
Johnny: You still have your phone?!
David: We all have our phones!
Johnny: Well, his number's in my phone and my phone I can't get unless I get outta this damn room!

Quote from Alexis

Game voice: Congratulations! You have outwitted Darwin's nemesis...
Moira: Ah! Mummy and Alexis solved the puzzle!
Johnny: [relieved sigh]
David: How did she do that?
Patrick: I dunno.
David: I don't know how you did that.
Patrick: That was actually pretty impressive, Alexis.
Alexis: Thanks! I just, like, wanted to get to the drinks.

Quote from David

Moira: [on Johnny's voicemail] "John, call me when you can. We need an excuse to get out of the escape room thing."
Alexis: Okay, skip that. Skip it.
Moira: I have something...
David: [on Johnny's voicemail] "Hi, just reminding you that you can't bail on the escape room thing, even though all of us want... "
David: Yeah, I don't think we need to keep...
Patrick: I actually wanna hear that one.
David: I don't think so.


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