Mutt: He always has been. I feel bad thinking about all those times I pinned him against a locker.
Alexis: You pinned somebody against a locker?!
Mutt: Well, I was a different person then, a lot changed since after high school.
Alexis: So what did he do to make you such a teenage cliche?
Mutt: He always said hi when he passed me in the halls, and for some reason, it bugged me.
Alexis: Yeah, I can see that.

Mutt: So he's bugging you.
Alexis: What? No! Oh, my God, no!
Mutt: Oh yes.
Alexis: No, I'm just saying, generally speaking, when you order breakfast and they give you the wrong order, send it back and get the right order.
Mutt: I never return food, I think that's so rude.

Alexis: Hey, um, you look really amazing.
Mutt: Well, I didn't wanna be the only one not wearing a suit.
Alexis: Um, did you have to kill a man to get it, or..?
Mutt: I did. It took me a couple to find one in my size.

Mutt: So you're leaving. What'd Ted say about that?
Alexis: Uh... He proposed.
Mutt: Really? So what'd you tell him?
Alexis: I told him I was leaving.
Mutt: But if you weren't, you would?
Alexis: 'kay, is this a Barbara Walter special or something? I'm leaving. That's it. You don't seem to be crying about it.
Mutt: I think it's nice you're going back to your natural habitat.
Alexis: I'm not a dolphin, Mutt.

Mutt: Uh, hey, I just came by for Alexis, she wanted me to grab some uh-
David: Cute looks for the barn?
Mutt: Cute looks for- Yeah.

David: This is really nice of you. Thank you very much.
Mutt: Yeah, well, I can't not jump in and help when I see someone doin' something wrong.
David: Was it wrong, or was it just unconventional?
Mutt: No, it was wrong.
David: Okay, well, I'm not gonna argue with you, 'cause I need you to keep working, we're in too deep.

Alexis: You're judging me!
Mutt: I'm not! It's just riding a bike is a pretty basic skill.
Alexis: Mm, is it though?
Mutt: I think that most kids learn how to ride a bike!
Alexis: Yeah well, most kids also get head lice. I'm sorry if the opportunity never presented itself.
Mutt: Oh. What, there was no gap year in Belgium? No Tour de France boyfriend?

Alexis: And, are you serious about having a venue for me? Because that would be amazing.
Mutt: Happy to loan out the barn, if it can be cleaned up in time.
Alexis: What happened?
Mutt: Oh, I asked a friend of mine to keep an eye on it while I was away, and musta slipped her mind.
Alexis: It didn't slip my mind, I just like, didn't go. Is it bad?
Mutt: Yeah, a nice little home for a family of raccoons. I had to evict them, though, and they didn't go quietly.

Mutt: We called it off the day we arrived. She's married to Moonshine now, the owner of the cone form.
Alexis: I'm sorry to hear that.
Mutt: That trip was a disaster. The compass broke halfway there, we ended up following a star for 2 days. Anyway, by the time we got there, we sat down and, uh, spoke our truths. Pretty freeing. That day I picked 700 cones.
Alexis: Hmm, is that like a lot of cones?
Mutt: Well, Moonshine and his daughter, Petal, said it was the biggest one-day haul they'd ever seen. They gave me the Cone of Achievement, which allowed me to take 2 showers that week.

Mutt: Don't worry, they're fresh. They're clean.
Alexis: Hmm. Ooh! Smell that rock-beaten freshness. What?
Mutt: It's just I do beat my laundry against rocks.
Alexis: You're a freak.