Roland Schitt Quotes Page 1 of 11

Quote from Honeymoon

Roland: My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice. He could be the next mayor of this town if he wanted it.
Johnny: My son is pansexual.
Roland: Mm-hmm, I've heard of that. I know what that is. That's, uh, that cookware fetish.
Johnny: No.
Roland: Mm-hmm!
Johnny: No, no.
Roland: No, I read about that.
Johnny: No. He loves everyone. Men, women, women who become men, men who become women. I'm his father, and I always wanted his life to be easy. But, you know, just pick one gender, and maybe, maybe everything would've been less confusing.
Roland: Well, you know, Johnny, when it comes to matters of the heart, we can't tell our kids who to love. Who said that?
Johnny: You did.

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Quote from Carl's Funeral

Jocelyn: Moira! Your "Danny Boy". What a voice.
Moira: Oh, thank you.
Roland: Yeah. I'd really like you to sing at my cousin's funeral. She's not dead, but she's been coughing a lot lately.

Quote from Finding David

Johnny: It's been three days without any contact.
Roland: Johnny, you wouldn't know this, but statistics tell us you have a 48 hour window before you can assume somebody is dead.
Johnny: Yeah, I just said it's been three days.
Roland: Then do we call off the search?
Johnny: Oh, my God!

Quote from The Motel Guest

Johnny: You didn't hear us last night?
Roland: Nope.
Johnny: Banging away?
Roland: Now, whatever you and the missus do after hours, that's your business, not mine.
Johnny: On the walls, Roland, with our fists!
Roland: And if you're into that kind of stuff, that doesn't bother me at all.

Quote from Life Is A Cabaret

Roland: [on the phone] Yeah, uh, dark hair. Answers to the name "Stevie". Um, kind of looks like a vampire. A little skittish when approached. Um, you know, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but if you have a taser, you may want to use it.

Quote from The Barbecue

Roland: Come on, Johnny, you're talking to a grill master. Do you know that I've been given three different aprons because of my barbecue skills? Let's see, I've got "License to Grill", I've got "Working Grill", oh and I have "Grills Just Wanna Have Fun".

Quote from Allez-Vous

Johnny: Roland, I owe you big.
Roland: Well, um, one day, and that day may never come, I may call upon you to perform a function.
Johnny: Marlon Brando.
Roland: Yes, but from what movie?
Johnny: The Godfather.
Roland: No, it's the one where he's the big mafia guy.
Johnny: The Godfather!
Roland: Hold on a second, I'll think of it.

Quote from The Affair

Moira: Roland! What are you doing in my room?
Roland: What are you talking about? This is my room.
Moira: Well, what the fuck are you doing in your room?
Roland: Well, I was trying to sleep. Until you started pounding on the door, telling me to whip up a salmon plate. I finally let you in, you flaked out on the bed.
Moira: Oh, my God. Are you naked under there?
Roland: Honey, what I do in the privacy of my sheets is my own business.

Quote from Asbestos Fest

Roland: No, I need to clean a toilet!
Johnny: You need to clean a toilet?
Roland: [sighs] Yeah, I need to Johnny, I- I mean, with the new baby coming, things are a little tight. Joce and I have been trying to save, but we've been living off cold cuts and waffles. And Jocelyn had to sell her Beanie Baby collection. She didn't get half what that Diana Bear was worth. And now she's working nights down at the gas station.
Johnny: She's working nights?
Roland: No, she's not, but she will have to if things get really bad.

Quote from A Whisper of Desire

David: Roland. You brought a baby into the store.
Roland: Shhh. Yeah. And I don't know why I haven't brought him in sooner, this place is perfect.
David: Thank you so much.
Roland: Yeah, they say that babies fall asleep quickest when they're surrounded by an eerie, almost crypt-like silence.
David: What can I do to shorten your stay in my store, Roland?
Roland: Oh, uh, Joce wanted me to pick up uh, some of this. This organic applesauce. Organic. Listen to me! Who am I? Gwyneth Paltrow?

Quote from Finding David

Jocelyn: I'm sure David is with the truck, right, Roland?
Roland: Well, I think they would've told me if there's a dead body with the truck, honey.

Quote from The Affair

Roland: Jocelyn and I spoke, and she told me you're still pretty upset, huh?
Johnny: Look, if anyone was upset it was Jocelyn. I was just upset because Jocelyn was upset.
Roland: All right, pal. Well, I'm here to put your mind at ease, okay? I am 99.999% sure that nothing happened between me and your wife.
Johnny: I'm 100% sure and I wasn't even there!
Roland: Well, I sure was. [laughing] All of me. You know, I spent 35 minutes this morning inspecting every inch of my body for bite marks, back scratches, lipstick prints. And I couldn't find anything. Well, there was this one thing on the bottom of my foot, but I think that may have been there before. I really don't know.

Quote from The Job Interview

Johnny: Look, there must be something we can do here. I ran a major business for 30 years.
Roland: Yeah, and look at the way this guy bounced back from total financial ruin.
Johnny: You know, there was a day when banks would provide loans based solely on their faith in a very solid business idea.
Loan Officer: That's gonna be a tough sell to my boss. We don't offer faith-based loans.
Roland: Okay, uh, I did not wanna play this card, but... I will. I am the mayor.
Loan Officer: You already mentioned that.
Roland: 'Kay, did I mention I went steady with your mom?
Loan Officer: Unfortunately, you did.
Roland: Okay, then I'm out. I got nothing.

Quote from Maid of Honour

Roland: Okay, Johnny. As soon as we get this place up and running the first order of business is to restock the vending machine. Do you know that all they had was this Drink Tyme Orange Sodas and one bag of Poly Puffs.
Johnny: All right, we're gonna have to get some brand names in there.
Roland: No, I'm saying get more of this. Do you realize that this soda is made with 99% real drink. You can't argue with that kind of math.

Quote from Moira Rosé

Roland: I remember when Jocelyn's dad gave me the talk. I mean, he was trying to talk me out of getting married, but she was 9 months pregnant at the time, so he really didn't have a leg to stand on. But I'll tell you, I could not get out of that sauna fast enough. No way!

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