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42Quotes from ‘Moira's Nudes’

Schitt's Creek: Moira's Nudes

209. Moira's Nudes

Aired March 1, 2016

After a rumour spreads about sensitive photos of Moira on the Internet, she's disappointed that her nudes can't be found anywhere. Meanwhile, Johnny's finances come under strain so he turns to his kids for help, prompting Alexis to get a job at Ted's clinic.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It's a new feeling for me, and I don't find it at all pleasurable.
Stevie: You regret that embarrassing photos of you aren't online?
Moira: No, I regret that they're lost. They were the one perfect memorial to who I once was. And I should've appreciated those firm, round mammae and Callipygian ass while I had them.
Stevie: If you're talking about your body, uh, I think you still look amazing.
Moira: Then allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, "Oh, I'm too spooky.", or, "Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies." But believe me, one day you will look at those photos, with much kinder eyes and say, "Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!"
Stevie: Will I?
Moira: Mmm-hmm. Oh, and make sure you submit those photos to the Internet. Otherwise, your own children will go looking for them one day and tragically, they won't be there.

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Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Between you and me, I know how hard it can be to pay off debt. My Uncle Ken only has three fingers now, which is too bad, because he's deaf, and he only speaks using sign language, but he made his choices.

Quote from David

David: Nothing's coming up.
Moira: What search words did you use?
David: Uh, your name and "nude." Three words I thought I'd only have to type if I was held at gunpoint.

Quote from Moira

Moira: It's hardly surprising that Jocelyn would suddenly uncover these in the middle of a political campaign. I suppose I just expected more from her.
Stevie: Okay, there's a bunch of you with O.J. Simpson. And you with Robert Blake.
Moira: "The top eleven photographs of Moira Rose with future murder suspects." Well, that's not what I'm looking for!
Stevie: Why were you in a paddle boat with Phil Spector?
Moira: And doesn't he look good? That was the one time he let me play with his hair. It was a sunny aft- You know, I shouldn't have to explain myself.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Darling, I'm afraid you and I have arrived at an awkward moment in our parent/child relationship.
David: I'd argue that moment happens daily.
Moira: It seems that there are some nude photographs of me on the Internet.
David: Oh!
Moira: And I would like you to search for them.
David: That's a real quick no. Um, you can ask literally anyone else.
Moira: No, I tried to ask Stevie, but her computer is several years old, and apparently quite prudish. If someone has to find naked pictures of me, better you than a stranger in a storm cellar!
David: Is it though?

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Have you ever worked as a receptionist before?
Alexis: That would be a no, but I have dealt with a lot of receptionists before, and so I feel like I have the right temperament for it.
Ted: Okay, and how are your typing skills?
Alexis: Well, you've seen me text.
Ted: Mmm-hmm. And how are you at spreadsheets?
Alexis: Okay, I'm just gonna stop you right there. I'm loving this Q and A, but I think what's important right now, is my positive attitude. And I don't wanna brag, but "Us Weekly" once described me as "up for anything."

Quote from Moira

Moira: You don't understand, we must find them, so we can then get rid of them! Honestly! Can no one find nude photos of me on the Internet?!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh dear.
Stevie: Yeah, all those online perverts should be put in a paddle boat, and sent out to sea.
Moira: No, that's not me.
Stevie: That's your face.
Moira: Yes, it's my character from Sunrise Bay, but it's been put on the body of what I can only assume is an Indonesian lady boy.
Stevie: Ohhh! I thought maybe you just had a tan.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You're still thinking about those photos.
Moira: Oh, I can't help it, John. The last traces of my juvenescence vanished into thin air.
Johnny: Well, perhaps they're not the last traces.
Moira: What does that mean?
Johnny: Why don't you look in my folio? Inside pocket.
Moira: [gasps] Oh, you dirty dog! Well, what can I say? When did you take this?
Johnny: Greece, 1987.
Moira: Oh, I loved those earrings. And that skin. And that hair.
Johnny: I'm no Avedon honey, but I would say you still look pretty spectacular.
Moira: And that's all that counts. [kiss] Now how do I get this on the Internet? John!

Quote from David

David: Okay, so how much money do you need? And please keep in mind that I had a negative balance in there last week.

Quote from Johnny

David: I just must've typed in the pin number wrong.
Johnny: It's actually just "pin". You don't have to say, "pin number". That's redundant.
David: Okay, okay. Wow. Are you doing this right now?!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, try "effervescence." No, I'm sorry, "small umbrella." No wait, "Siamese eels."

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: What's going on?
Moira: There are nude photos of me all over the Internet.
Alexis: Um, are you sure you're not thinking of mine?

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Everything okay over here?
Johnny: Yes it is, Twyla. Just great. If, uh, if you could add this to our tab, that would be wonderful.
Twyla: Add it to your tab. Yeah, um...
Johnny: What, is there a problem?
Twyla: Unfortunately, we can't put any more on your tab, Mr. Rose. We have a limit as to how much you can charge on it without actually making any effort to pay.
Johnny: Oh, I see.
Twyla: So, here's your bill.
Johnny: Okay, thank you. Just, uh, leave this with me, Twyla, and I'll take care of it, um, this afternoon, or tomorrow.
Twyla: This afternoon would be great.
Johnny: Well then, this afternoon it is! And if not, then you know, tomorrow.
Twyla: Morning.
Johnny: Morning. Tomorrow morning.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um, what is going on?
Johnny: Oh, nothing, nothing. Nothing's going on. It's just I've gotta move some money around, make sure things are liquid.
Alexis: How much trouble are we in?
Johnny: Who said we're in trouble?
Alexis: I have dated enough Wall Street losers to know that "making things liquid" is not a good thing!

Quote from David

Teller: Did you use the proper pin?
Johnny: Yeah, that's what I asked him.
David: Of course I used the proper pin. I know my pin number, it's my birthday.
Teller: Happy Birthday!
David: No, the pin number is my birthday.
Johnny: He keeps saying pin number.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, how's that for timing!
Alexis: What do you mean?
Johnny: We both stepped out exactly together.
Alexis: We didn't time this.
Johnny: I know we didn't time it.
Alexis: What's your point?
Johnny: That is my point! We- We both stepped out, and we didn't know the other person was stepping out, at exactly the same time!
Alexis: Yeah, why are you yelling at me right now?
Johnny: Well, I'm just explaining the good timing of this, when no explanation is needed. It's just, it's the good timing, it's-
Alexis: Okay fine, I don't get it, but, whatever.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, you are here, thank goodness! Stevie, does this computer get Internet access?
Stevie: It does.
Moira: Please log on immediately.
Stevie: Okay.
Moira: Jocelyn has made allusions to certain sensitive photographs from my past.
Stevie: Uh, are you sure you don't want me to just leave you to do this on your own?
Moira: No, I can't type, and I don't care to relive my days as a secretary.

Quote from Moira

Stevie: Okay well, there's a bunch here that could qualify as incriminating, so...
Moira: Okay. I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon, in the 70's.
Stevie: I see. Um... This is really not in my job description so...
Moira: Why aren't they coming up? What, do you have some kind of childproof lock on this Internet?
Stevie: Hmm, nope, that would make my job very boring.

Quote from David

David: What is going on with you?!
Alexis: I need to save this!
David: Wait, you're gonna put that on your face, after it's been on the floor? I don't even wear good socks in here!

Quote from David

Johnny: Well, thanks for the ride.
David: We've really been taking advantage of those rides, haven't we?
Johnny: You know, I never thought I'd be in this situation. Getting a ride home from work by my son.
David: That's the situation you never thought you'd be in?

Quote from Stevie

Moira: So this is it.
Stevie: Yeah, I think so. Um, I would really rather not dive any deeper.
Moira: No, it's not necessary.
Stevie: Because I ended up in some really scary, dark places of the Internet that I would rather not revisit, so...

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You know, all things considered Moira I'd say we have a couple of pretty great kids.
Moira: Mmm-hmm. They say it's through our children that we stay young. But I haven't seen much effort on their part.


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