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42Quotes from ‘Moira's Nudes’

Schitt's Creek: Moira's Nudes

209. Moira's Nudes

Aired March 1, 2016

After a rumour spreads about sensitive photos of Moira on the Internet, she's disappointed that her nudes can't be found anywhere. Meanwhile, Johnny's finances come under strain so he turns to his kids for help, prompting Alexis to get a job at Ted's clinic.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It's a new feeling for me, and I don't find it at all pleasurable.
Stevie: You regret that embarrassing photos of you aren't online?
Moira: No, I regret that they're lost. They were the one perfect memorial to who I once was. And I should've appreciated those firm, round mammae and Callipygian ass while I had them.
Stevie: If you're talking about your body, uh I think you still look amazing.
Moira: Then allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, "Oh, I'm too spooky." Or, "Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies." But believe me, one day you will look at those photos, with much kinder eyes and say, "Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!"
Stevie: Will I?
Moira: Mmm-hmm. Oh, and make sure you submit those photos to the Internet. Otherwise, your own children will go looking for them one day and tragically, they won't be there.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Between you and me, I know how hard it can be to pay off debt. My Uncle Ken only has three fingers now, which is too bad, because he's deaf, and he only speaks using sign language, but he made his choices.

Quote from David

David: Nothing's coming up.
Moira: What search words did you use?
David: Uh, your name and "nude." Three words I thought I'd only have to type if I was held at gunpoint.

Quote from Moira

Moira: It's hardly surprising that Jocelyn would suddenly uncover these in the middle of a political campaign. I suppose I just expected more from her.
Stevie: Okay, there's a bunch of you with O.J. Simpson. And you with Robert Blake.
Moira: "The top eleven photographs of Moira Rose with future murder suspects." Well, that's not what I'm looking for!
Stevie: Why were you in a paddle boat with Phil Spector?
Moira: And doesn't he look good? That was the one time he let me play with his hair. It was a sunny aft- You know, I shouldn't have to explain myself.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Darling, I'm afraid you and I have arrived at an awkward moment in our parent/child relationship.
David: I'd argue that moment happens daily.
Moira: It seems that there are some nude photographs of me on the Internet.
David: Oh!
Moira: And I would like you to search for them.
David: That's a real quick no. Um, you can ask literally anyone else.
Moira: No, I tried to ask Stevie, but her computer is several years old, and apparently quite prudish. If someone has to find naked pictures of me, better you than a stranger in a storm cellar!
David: Is it though?

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Have you ever worked as a receptionist before?
Alexis: That would be a no, but I have dealt with a lot of receptionists before, and so I feel like I have the right temperament for it.
Ted: Okay, and how are your typing skills?
Alexis: Well, you've seen me text.
Ted: Mmm-hmm. And how are you at spreadsheets?
Alexis: Okay, I'm just gonna stop you right there. I'm loving this Q and A, but I think what's important right now, is my positive attitude. And I don't wanna brag, but "Us Weekly" once described me as "up for anything."

Quote from Moira

Moira: You don't understand, we must find them, so we can then get rid of them! Honestly! Can no one find nude photos of me on the Internet?!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh dear.
Stevie: Yeah, all those online perverts should be put in a paddle boat, and sent out to sea.
Moira: No, that's not me.
Stevie: That's your face.
Moira: Yes, it's my character from Sunrise Bay, but it's been put on the body of what I can only assume is an Indonesian lady boy.
Stevie: Ohhh! I thought maybe you just had a tan.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You're still thinking about those photos.
Moira: Oh, I can't help it, John. The last traces of my juvenescence vanished into thin air.
Johnny: Well, perhaps they're not the last traces.
Moira: What does that mean?
Johnny: Why don't you look in my folio? Inside pocket.
Moira: [gasps] Oh, you dirty dog! Well, what can I say? When did you take this?
Johnny: Greece, 1987.
Moira: Oh, I loved those earrings. And that skin. And that hair.
Johnny: I'm no Avedon honey, but I would say you still look pretty spectacular.
Moira: And that's all that counts. [kiss] Now how do I get this on the Internet? John!

Quote from David

David: Okay, so how much money do you need? And please keep in mind that I had a negative balance in there last week.

Quote from Johnny

David: I just must've typed in the pin number wrong.
Johnny: It's actually just "pin". You don't have to say, "pin number". That's redundant.
David: Okay, okay. Wow. Are you doing this right now?!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, try "effervescence." No, I'm sorry, "small umbrella." No wait, "Siamese eels."

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: What's going on?
Moira: There are nude photos of me all over the Internet.
Alexis: Um, are you sure you're not thinking of mine?

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Everything okay over here?
Johnny: Yes it is, Twyla. Just great. If, uh, if you could add this to our tab, that would be wonderful.
Twyla: Add it to your tab. Yeah, um...
Johnny: What, is there a problem?
Twyla: Unfortunately, we can't put any more on your tab, Mr. Rose. We have a limit as to how much you can charge on it without actually making any effort to pay.
Johnny: Oh, I see.
Twyla: So, here's your bill.
Johnny: Okay, thank you. Just, uh, leave this with me, Twyla, and I'll take care of it, um, this afternoon, or tomorrow.
Twyla: This afternoon would be great.
Johnny: Well then, this afternoon it is! And if not, then you know, tomorrow.
Twyla: Morning.
Johnny: Morning. Tomorrow morning.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um, what is going on?
Johnny: Oh, nothing, nothing. Nothing's going on. It's just I've gotta move some money around, make sure things are liquid.
Alexis: How much trouble are we in?
Johnny: Who said we're in trouble?
Alexis: I have dated enough Wall Street losers to know that "making things liquid" is not a good thing!

Quote from David

Teller: Did you use the proper pin?
Johnny: Yeah, that's what I asked him.
David: Of course I used the proper pin. I know my pin number, it's my birthday.
Teller: Happy Birthday!
David: No, the pin number is my birthday.
Johnny: He keeps saying pin number.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, you are here, thank goodness! Stevie, does this computer get Internet access?
Stevie: It does.
Moira: Please log on immediately.
Stevie: Okay.
Moira: Jocelyn has made allusions to certain sensitive photographs from my past.
Stevie: Uh, are you sure you don't want me to just leave you to do this on your own?
Moira: No, I can't type, and I don't care to relive my days as a secretary.

Quote from Moira

Stevie: Okay well, there's a bunch here that could qualify as incriminating, so...
Moira: Okay. I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon, in the 70's.
Stevie: I see. Um... This is really not in my job description so...
Moira: Why aren't they coming up? What, do you have some kind of childproof lock on this Internet?
Stevie: Hmm, nope, that would make my job very boring.

Quote from David

David: What is going on with you?!
Alexis: I need to save this!
David: Wait, you're gonna put that on your face, after it's been on the floor? I don't even wear good socks in here!

Quote from David

Johnny: Well, thanks for the ride.
David: We've really been taking advantage of those rides, haven't we?
Johnny: You know, I never thought I'd be in this situation. Getting a ride home from work by my son.
David: That's the situation you never thought you'd be in?

Quote from Stevie

Moira: So this is it.
Stevie: Yeah, I think so. Um, I would really rather not dive any deeper.
Moira: No, it's not necessary.
Stevie: Because I ended up in some really scary, dark places of the Internet that I would rather not revisit, so...

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You know, all things considered Moira I'd say we have a couple of pretty great kids.
Moira: Mmm-hmm. They say it's through our children that we stay young. But I haven't seen much effort on their part.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, how's that for timing!
Alexis: What do you mean?
Johnny: We both stepped out exactly together.
Alexis: We didn't time this.
Johnny: I know we didn't time it.
Alexis: What's your point?
Johnny: That is my point! We- We both stepped out, and we didn't know the other person was stepping out, at exactly the same time!
Alexis: Yeah, why are you yelling at me right now?
Johnny: Well, I'm just explaining the good timing of this, when no explanation is needed. It's just, it's the good timing, it's-
Alexis: Okay fine, I don't get it, but, whatever.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: No, no, we're fine. We're fine, honey. No, no, I just had to use my unemployment check this month to pay for all the raw milk that "we" ordered.
Alexis: Okay. Um, well like, what can I do?
Johnny: Just don't tell your mother, okay? Or your brother, I mean, they're too fragile to handle this. And no one really needs to worry.
Alexis: Well, you might wanna tell that to your face.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Oh, okay. Uh, just give me a minute, because we're only one small step above dial up here.

Quote from David

Alexis: See David, this is what happens when you wash your face with a bar of motel hand soap!
David: It's a zit. People get zits. I mean, I've always had clean, radiant skin, but I'm an anomaly.
Alexis: It's not a zit, David. I think it's just my anxiety clogging up my pores.
David: And forming zits.

Quote from David

Alexis: Okay, there are things going on right now that you don't know about.
David: Like what?
Alexis: Like things I that can't talk about, okay?!
David: I know about your dandruff shampoo.
Alexis: That is preventative, and that is not what I'm talking about!

Quote from Alexis

Ted: The amount of times that I run into you in this place is like, out of a romantic comedy.
Alexis: I'm sorry, what?
Ted: Is everything okay?
Alexis: Um, yeah, totally. I mean, I have a pimple because I washed my face with dirty hand soap, but, no biggie. [giggles] Yeah, just don't look at it.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Hey, I don't know if this is something you'd be interested in, but my secretary just quit, and if you need the cash...
Alexis: That's so sweet, but I would be uncomfortable accepting free money.
Ted: No, no, you'd be working. Doing her job, and I would pay you for it.
Alexis: Oh! But there would be animals around all the time?
Ted: That is generally what one can expect when working at a vet clinic, yes.
Alexis: Hmm.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: You know it's funny, it didn't seem that long ago that you were relying on me for everything. Like when you were taking your harpsichord lessons, and I would drive you.
David: I was seven.
Johnny: All the lessons that I paid for, and schooling-
David: Okay, what is happening here?
Johnny: Nothing, nothing, I'm having a little chat with my son, that's all. Do I have to pay for that? Last I heard, you didn't have to pay...

Quote from David

David: What is going on?!
Johnny: It's- I've over extended a little bit this month. Financially, I- I could use some gap financing, that's all.
David: Well, should I be concerned?
Johnny: No, no.
David: Well, how bad is it?
Johnny: It's pretty bad. It's pretty bad. Aand you know, this is so awkward for a father to come to a son for money.
David: Well, believe it or not, this is actually not the most awkward parent/son request I've gotten today, so... If you need money, I can give you money.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, thank you, David. So-
David: Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Johnny: Well, I was trying to give you a hug.
David: I-I get the gesture.
Johnny: I should've undone the seatbelt.
David: Okay, well then, let's just leave it at a gesture.
Johnny: Okay, let's just leave it.
David: Um yeah, let's leave it.
Johnny: High five, son.
David: Uh well, okay, okay.

Quote from David

Teller: Did you start with the temporary pin that we sent you?
David: What? What temporary pin?
Johnny: Ah, see?
David: No "see!" None of that, listen! I phoned someone here, a teller, I think, who told me that I didn't need a temporary pin number!
Teller: Oh, which teller? Because it's only me and Carol here. [Carol is seated in the back eating a sandwich]
David: It was a while ago.
Teller: It says the account was opened last week.

Quote from David

David: Okay, I just need to take out some money for my dad. Um, because my family is in debt. So if you could help me help him, that would be a wonderful thing.
Teller: Of course, I just need you to pick a new pin.
David: Okay. It's 7-2-8-3.
Teller: Sir, you just said your pin out loud. So I suggest you pick another one.

Quote from David

Johnny: What about my birthday?
David: No!
Johnny: It's easy.
David: It's not easy. Nothing's easy about this. Okay, where what?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I never saw myself having like, a normal job. But I think it's gonna be kinda nice to make money and stuff, and like, help out a bit more.
David: You're working for your ex.
Alexis: David, Ted wouldn't have hired me if he thought it was a bad idea!
David: Ted also proposed to you twice, so I'd say Ted's decision making skills are a little suspect.
Alexis: Okay, well I will have you know that I went through the same interview process as everybody else. He asked me several questions, most of which I answered.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well kids, you'll never guess what I just found outside. My button! [laughs] Things are looking up!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I have something for you.
Johnny: Oh, Alexis, you didn't have to do this.
Alexis: Open it.
Johnny: Oh, honey. "My deepest condolences?" "I know things have been tough lately, but I'm here for you, and hope this helps. Love, Alexis."

Quote from David

Johnny: Both my kids are generous. And I'm one very grateful dad. Very grateful. Awww! Bring it in, big guy.
David: Yeah, I don't know if that's something I wanna do right now.
Alexis: David, Dad's poor right now!
David: He's not poor anymore! Because someone gave him more than a cheap card!

Quote from David

Johnny: David, where did you get this car?
David: Oh, this car was paid for by my employer. We felt I needed a more efficient way to get to work.
Alexis: So she bought you a car?!
David: It's a rental. Do you think I'd allow someone to buy that car for me?

Quote from David

Alexis: Thank God we have a car again!
David: Um, very unclear on the "we" part of that sentence.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Yeah, your brother's right, Alexis, this is his car, not ours. We don't have a car, and he does.
David: Okay, are you okay?
Johnny: Yes, yes, I- I'm just happy the Roses are moving up in the world.
David: There's a button missing on your jacket.
Johnny: What?
Alexis: Oh, ew, you poor thing.


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