Miguel: Um, how did you get so good at this?
Alexis: Hm, you learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom.
Miguel: Right, right. Wait, what?

Alexis: It's just a checkpoint, okay? I've been through tons of these in Johannesburg, um, it's like a drive thru, except everybody has a gun.
Johnny: When were you in Johannesburg?!
Alexis: I don't know. I remember I just got my braces off, so...
Johnny: You were 14, in South Africa?!

Alexis: Hey, singles, I'm Alexis Rose, and I, like all of you, am single. [applause] I would just like to welcome you to the first annual Schitt's Creek Singles Week. [applause and cheers] Now I know many of you are excited about the lock and key event. [applause and cheers] The more I think about it, the more I feel like that game kind of sends the wrong message. Because it makes it seem like, as soon as you find the right key, everything's just supposed to work out, right? But life is more complicated than that. Now, I used to think that my one special lock needed to be like super aggressive, and come from a long line of Adriatic royalty, or have a beard, and be really into the woods. Then I realized that sometimes, a special little lock can come along, that you didn't think would fit because it didn't look, or act, like the lock you thought you needed. So instead of actually giving it a real chance, you throw it away because it was too nice. And it liked you too much, and cared. And now that lock has found another key, and you are so happy for it, and you just need to accept that, and find a new lock.
Woman: So, are we playing a game, or not?
Alexis: Yes! That is what I'm trying to say, we're just gonna play a better game. Um, one that kinda promotes giving people a chance.

Alexis: Is everything okay? It's okay to admit that I tuckered you out.
Ted: No, it's, it's not that.
Alexis: Okay, then what is it?
Ted: I just thought that it was important that we have this conversation in person.
Alexis: You're starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rock on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.

Mutt: Okay, what would we have talked about? It's my face.
Alexis: Um, you'd have said, uh, "Wow, Alexis, I'm thinking about shaving my beard." And then I would've said, "Hmm. No, Mutt, I don't think that that's the right journey for you at this point in time."
Mutt: Well, then I would've said, "Too bad." I shave like, every six months. Okay, you try growing a beard!
Alexis: I was a beard for a very well known actor, and I get it, it's uncomfortable.

Alexis: Just remember, no sudden movements, do not reach for the glove box, and not matter what happens do not tell them your real name.

Alexis: Okay, so if there's one thing I learned, is that when it comes to love you cannot let little things get in your way. Like I once dated this sultan's nephew who was forbidden to talk to me or even to look at me and we made it work for, like, half a regime change, so...

Stevie: I didn't audition. I don't like attention. I can't think of anything worse than standing on a stage in front of a room full of people.
Alexis: Okay, Stevie, I think you just need to chill. If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it'll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.
Stevie: It's just a lot of pressure.
Alexis: Don't even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.

David: Okay, nobody freaked out when Alexis went missing.
Alexis: I didn't go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time.

Alexis: Someone keeps eating my yoghurt. Urgh!
David: What kind of yoghurt?
Alexis: I was saving that for after my run, David!
David: Oh, my God, I guess I was saving it for during your run, then.
Alexis: Argh, you're like a big, dirty raccoon, David!