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41Quotes from ‘The M.V.P.’

Schitt's Creek: The M.V.P.

509. The M.V.P.

Aired March 5, 2019

Patrick asks a reluctant David to fill in on his baseball team for their annual game against Ronnie's team. Meanwhile, Stevie feels the pressure as Cabaret rehearsals begin.

Quote from Ronnie

Ronnie: Roland, the rules say that we can't play if we don't have nine players! And I can't stomach the thought of Patrick's team winning by default; the man looks like a thumb!

Quote from Stevie

Moira: But this is actually a good distraction for you. Because when you're on stage, you're going to have to drown it all out. Okay, so let's now focus on the image you were about to conjure for me.
Stevie: Okay, I'm in the Town Hall. I'm wearing my maroon plaid hoodie. And I'm feeling very uncomfortable.
Moira: Hmm, vivid. Visceral. Excellent, Stevie. Although the exercise does ask us to recall a traumatic event in our life. This sounds almost as if you're describing what's happening right now.
Stevie: Well, I am.
Moira: Oop, there's that razor sharp wit that landed you the role.

Quote from Alexis

Twyla: This is so exciting! I've never been in a musical before. Although I did have a cousin who was in Riverdance until she got trampled.
Alexis: Yeah, um, I was one of the original Pussycat Dolls, but I only lasted like, two weeks. Because apparently, I'm "too pretty".

Quote from Alexis

Stevie: I didn't audition. I don't like attention. I can't think of anything worse than standing on a stage in front of a room full of people.
Alexis: Okay, Stevie, I think you just need to chill. If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it'll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.
Stevie: It's just a lot of pressure.
Alexis: Don't even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.

Quote from Bob

Moira: Might I share with you an anecdote about my director...?
Stevie: A man with amnesia!
Moira: Yes! Well, he may have a story or two about that from his later years.
Stevie: No, sorry, I mean, the game. It- He's a man with amnesia!
Bob: Yes! Oh, I'm so glad somebody figured it out! Oh, I actually forgot what I was supposed to do up here!

Quote from Moira

Moira: First, everyone, please, direct your gaze to the beating heart of our show, our Sally Bowles, Miss Stevie-
Jocelyn: Budd.
Moira: Budd! You're wondering, are we really going to lay this colossal enterprise upon her tiny shoulders? Yes! I'm a 100% confident that you will all soon see what I hope I believe I may be seeing in you, Stevie.
Stevie: Thank you.

Quote from David

Patrick: Hey, you know what, David, since you were already planning on being there, maybe... Maybe you...
David: Absolutely not!
Patrick: Just two hours of your life.
David: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Patrick: We just need a body!
David: Then go to the morgue.
Patrick: I will cover you if any flies come your way.
David: I have a spray for that. And you know my stance on team sports.
Patrick: I do. Given today's political climate, we don't need to divide ourselves any more than we already have.
David: Correct.

Quote from David

Patrick: Have I mentioned to you that there will be a barbecue after?
David: I have a couple questions.
Patrick: How many of the questions are about the barbecue?
David: Most of them. Like, how soon after the game is the barbecue, and will the players get to eat first, and if so, who's enforcing that rule?
Patrick: I love you, David.
David: Okay. You say that now, but... [Patrick kisses David] I don't do well with running.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Um, excuse me? I used to play a little ball in my day. I was the star left fielder from my school team.
Ronnie: You played college ball?
Johnny: No, Hebrew school. There were seven of us, surprisingly, not a big turn-out, but uh, the Flying Latkes ended up in fourth place.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: What about you, Stevie? I didn't even know that you wanted to be an actor.
Stevie: I don't.
Alexis: Fine, "artist".
Stevie: I've been dreading this rehearsal for the past two days.
Alexis: Okay, as star of the show, you might wanna set like, a different tone for everyone.
Stevie: I think this is a huge mistake.
Alexis: You're not wrong. There has been a lot of confusion as to why I'm not the star of the show, but fair is fair. You earned it.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Willkommen and bienvenue, welcome, you to "Cabaret!" [applause] Not now, not yet.
Jocelyn: Okay, yup.
Moira: I'm sure this will come as a shock to all of you, but this production will mark my directorial debut!
Alexis: Mmm...
[Moira looks to Jocelyn to start a round of applause]
Moira: Missing cues already. No, I'm- I'm simply here to inspire. And instruct, and bring out the very best in you. And I want to start the day with my lupanarian Kit Kat Girls!

Quote from Moira

Moira: As long as you're up, why don't we jump right in? You can help me lead the first exercise.
Stevie: Uh, I thought this more of a meet and greet kind of thing.
Moira: It's the afternoon upon which your bodies will meet and greet the boards. Okay, this is called "Monster on my Back."
Stevie: Oh, fuck.

Quote from David

David: Okay, just so you're aware, I had a very cute, "my boyfriend's on the baseball team" spectator look prepared for today, and now I'm wearing tap shoes.
Patrick: They're called cleats, and I think you look very cute.
David: That's a given. This just isn't how I pictured being a placeholder rolling out.
Patrick: Here. I thought we could head outside, maybe throw the ball around a little bit?
David: This glove is brown. My shoes are black. What exactly are we doing here?

Quote from David

Johnny: Well, David, I'm surprised to see you back in a uniform.
Patrick: Whoa, I'm sorry, "back" in a uniform?
David: Okay, we don't need to get into it.
Johnny: He didn't tell you? Well, David holds the Little League record for most times hit by a ball.
David: That's assuming it wasn't intentional. They let me go home early.

Quote from Moira

Moira: First word is a gimme. So you may say "once."
Stevie: Once
Moira: Upon
Stevie: A
Moira: Nightmare
Stevie: My
Moira: Captor
Stevie: Was
Moira: Dismembering
Stevie: Okay, does it always get so dark?
Moira: Oh, I'm, I'm just flowing with your energy, Stevie. Which is good, but you may require a little scordatura.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: This is all a little intense.
Moira: Hmm?
Alexis: Especially for Stevie.
Moira: If anything I'm going easy on her. You should've seen the conditioning Rocky put me through. Our first day consisted of mud runs and sob therapy!

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay. Well, she's not you, and I think she's actually regretting signing up for this. And feels like it was a big mistake.
Moira: Really? What gave you that impression?
Alexis: Because she told me that she regrets signing up for this, and feels like it was a big mistake.
Moira: That kind of attitude's not going to get her very far as an actress.
Alexis: Well, she's clearly not an actress. You told us this morning that you were here to inspire, instruct, and bring out the best in all of us.
Moira: If only we needed to fill the role of a Dictaphone!

Quote from Stevie

Alexis: Vampire person!
Twyla: Oh! Ghost! Ghost girl! Hemophiliac!
Jocelyn: Woman with amnesia!
Stevie: No.

Quote from David

David: When you get hit in the back playing a game you never wanted to play in the first place, does that make you the VIP?
Patrick: The MVP, and uh, no, we're not doing that.
David: Okay, what if we were doing it, though?
Patrick: Well then, you would definitely be the VIP.

Quote from David

Patrick: Listen, I'm sorry if this game sorta unleashed my competitive side.
David: Yeah, we really don't need to meet him again.
Patrick: But, you know, part of me wonders, would you have hit a home run if I hadn't lit that fire in you? Because I have never seen you run like that.
David: Yeah, it was mainly because I was smelling the barbecue.

Quote from David

David: Is today the baseball day?
Patrick: Today was supposed to be the baseball day, yes.
David: The finale?
Patrick: Championship.
David: Same thing.

Quote from Patrick

David: What time did you need me to show up to watch you play the baseball?
Patrick: Well, as of right now, there you might not be anything for you to watch.
David: Oh?
Patrick: Gwen dropped out. Apparently she has to go see a friend she met on the internet, so we are missing a right fielder.
David: Can you play both parts?
Patrick: Positions. And, no. That's the whole problem. We will forfeit the game if we can't come up with a ninth player.

Quote from Patrick

David: Well on the upside, there is an Isabelle Huppert double feature playing at the Elmdale Art House.
Patrick: David, I can't bail on the game, I just have to find a ninth player.
David: Okay, well, good luck. It sounds a bit last minute.
Patrick: You know, they don't even have to do anything, they pretty much just stand there.
David: Have you asked Ronnie?
Patrick: Uh, she is on the other team, and I'm pretty sure she hates me after the bathroom incident.
David: Oh, I forgot about that.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Ronnie, I don't know what the big deal is! Nobody's gonna even notice that Stevie's not at the game.
Ronnie: That's not the problem, Roland.
Roland: I gotta be honest, sometimes I don't even notice her when she's standing right in front of me.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Johnny, I think some things have changed since played ball, okay? For one thing, the war is over.
Johnny: Oh! Well, excuse me, I thought you were in a bind, and needed a player, but uh, forget it, I'm taking my offer back.
Ronnie: Roland, he's our only option.
Roland: No, he's not! Joce has a CPR dummy that we can just throw out into left field.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: And just so you know, I had a pretty strong arm in the outfield. The Rabbi used to call me "Popeye". [exits]
Roland: Okay I am gonna give Lorenzo a call, and change my bet. I'm gonna put everything I got on the other team. [on the phone] Hi, honey, is your daddy home?

Quote from Bob

Jocelyn: We've also included anyone who's requested extra rehearsal time to work on their dance moves.
Bob: I just wanna limber up. There's some pretty tricky footwork, so...

Quote from David

Patrick: David and I are actually just going outside to throw the ball around.
Johnny: Well, that sounds like fun. I think I'll oil up the glove and join you.
David: Ew! Please don't.
Johnny: Oh David, don't worry, you'll be great. I just wish I'd kept that helmet I got you.
David: Does this come in black?
Patrick: You can use mine.

Quote from David

David: Okay, next time, can you make sure the ball goes into my glove? Thanks so much.
Patrick: It's a ground ball, David. So in a game situation, it is possible that the ball won't be hit directly into your glove.

Quote from Ronnie

Ronnie: Wait, David's your sub? [cackling] I thought you told me that your team was stacked!

Quote from Ronnie

Roland: Johnny, I don't think it's really ethical for you to be doing spring training with the enemy.
Johnny: He's not the enemy, Roland. He's my son.
Roland: [scoffs] There are no sons in baseball!
Johnny: What?
Patrick: I'd argue most baseball players are somebody's son.
Ronnie: So what does that make me?!
Patrick: Oh! No but, just 'cause he... He said there's...
Ronnie: Yeah, you know what, good luck. 'Cause you all are gonna need it. Yeah, I'm looking at you.
David: [to Patrick] Wow, she is really not a fan.

Quote from Johnny

Patrick: Oh, man, I wanna win this game.
David: Okay, you told me it was just for fun, though!
Johnny: Well, it is for fun, David, but a little rivalry is part of the fun. It's like when we used to play the Catholic kids from Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. The worst school cheer I ever heard.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Ah, Moira. Group two is gonna take a fiver. I have not had this much exercise since I birthed Roland Jr.
Moira: Look at you, Jocelyn! Pushing your authority as assistant director to its limit.

Quote from David

Patrick: All right now, two away! All right, players to first and second! Outfield in a little bit, two away now, let's go!
David: Okay, I don't know who this is, but can we put him back in the box?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: David, keep your glove up! Protect your face!
Roland: Hey, Johnny! No coaching.
Johnny: Always be ready! Ugh!
Roland: Johnny, why don't you just put on a little apron, and serve them the win on a silver platter?!
Johnny: I'm just helping out my son, Roland. The kid has no idea what he's doing!
David: I can hear you!

Quote from David

Patrick: It's okay, David, I got it.
David: Hey, you know what?! It's not okay. I'm doing you the favour, you told me I was just a body in a field, not a body that had to catch things, flying very fast in the air! So I'm out!
Patrick: Well, actually, David, uh, Ronnie's out, and the inning's over, and technically, you're walking in the right direction.
David: Well, that's good for you, then, please get my glove.

Quote from Bob

Bob: Knock, knock!
Moira: Team?
Twyla: Um, a firefighter with back pain?
Moira: No, try again.
Bob: Knock, knock!
Jocelyn: A vacuum salesman? I don't know.
Moira: Bob, try to communicate what's written on the paper.
Bob: Is-is there a bell I could ring? You know, I don't, I don't wanna be rude, but uh, they could be having dinner.

Quote from Moira

Stevie: Um, Mrs. Rose? I've been thinking...
Moira: Oh, that's your first mistake. Don't think, Stevie, just trust your instincts.
Stevie: Okay well, my instincts are telling me that I'm in over my head.
Moira: See, deciphering which instincts to trust that's the real skill. You're feeling overwhelmed. [Stevie laughs nervously] After some quiet reflection, it occurred to me that this morning's exercises might've been a bit advanced. Please remember, this is all new to me as well.

Quote from Ronnie

Ronnie: Hey, Patrick. I don't mean to put any pressure on you, but you do realize that it's the bottom of the ninth, two out, bases are loaded, and the game's on the line, right?
Patrick: Yeah, I realize that, thank you, Ronnie.
Ronnie: So, who's up?
Patrick: Oh, I think you know who's up.
Ronnie: [cackling]
David: The barbecue guy wasn't ready, but he gave me some chips.

Quote from David

Patrick: Okay, David, you're up, but I'm gonna talk to the ump and see if we can pinch hit for you.
David: Why? It's the only part of this stupid game that I'm actually good at.
Patrick: Well, you struck out three times, so...
David: I tipped it that one time, you even admitted that.
Patrick: No, that's true, and that was a-that was a great tip. It's just that we're trying to win here.

Quote from Johnny

Roland: You know, Johnny, the next time I need a sub, remind me to ask the blind goat over at Mrs. Divine's farm.
Johnny: It's just a game, Roland.
Ronnie: Popeye smokes his son square in the back.
Johnny: It was a quick recovery, Ronnie, but thanks for the play-by-play.
Roland: Well, luckily for me, I had a side bet on whether Johnny would throw the game in his kid's favour. I consider it a split.


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