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37Quotes from ‘The Jazzaguy’

Schitt's Creek: The Jazzaguy

408. The Jazzaguy

Aired March 13, 2018

As Johnny tries to spend more time with Moira, he finds himself joining the Jazzagals for rehearsals. Meanwhile, Stevie tries to get David over his separation from Patrick with a spa day, and Alexis joins a dating app and matches with Ted's veterinary rival.

Quote from Alexis

Miguel: Um, how did you get so good at this?
Alexis: Hm, you learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom.
Miguel: Right, right. Wait, what?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Ted can't know about this, David. Miguel's the only other vet in town, and they have this like dumb rivalry.
David: When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all 3 Hanson brothers.
Alexis: This is different. I no longer need backstage passes to the Teen Choice Awards.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Oh, Moira, I completely forgot about lunch. And I just gave Stevie the day off.
Moira: How many days off is Stevie allowed to request?
Johnny: Well, she'd worked 14 straight days, so...
Moira: It's starting to remind me of Rose Video, when your work consumed you, and I would miss you so. Except now I don't have the jet and the free DVDs to distract me.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: I'm finding it hard to believe that you don't have the energy to go to a spa.
David: I know, I'm scaring even me. Why are we going to a spa, again?
Stevie: Because you're having boyfriend issues, and this is my reluctant attempt at being supportive.
David: Well, that's very thoughtful of you.
Stevie: I also have a Groupon, which I was planning on using with Jake, but I thought you might need it more, so, get up before I change my mind.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, I don't know what to say, Sweetheart, I-I still have most of the rooms to clean.
Moira: Would it be too much to ask the guests to clean up after themselves?
Johnny: Hm, yes, it would. It's basically the only service we provide.
Moira: Very well. If lunch is cancelled, I suppose I'll show up on time for Jazzagals rehearsal.
Johnny: Isn't that something you should be doing anyway?
Moira: Oh, there's so much time wasted off top, John. Yap, yap, yap, do, re, mi. A lip buzzing 'til I'm blue in the face!

Quote from Moira

Jazzagals: [singing] Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula- Fat spat-
Moira: Ah! John, what are you doing here? Is it David? Oh no, you can speak freely in front of the gals.
Johnny: No, no, David's fine. David's fine. A little depressed. Stevie had to force him into her car, but you know.
Moira: Then, to what do we owe this off-book sojourn?

Quote from Moira

Moira: There was a time when this dusky charmer used to constantly whisk me off to ports unknown.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Actually Johnny, Ronnie could always use another baritone, why don't you join us?
Johnny: Oh, no. No, I'm just here to show support. So, as you were.
Moira: Oh, my husband, the portrait of self-effacement. You should all know that this man's voice melted more than a few hearts.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: Ah, Mrs. Rose, I didn't know there were two singers in the family.
Moira: Well, professionally speaking there's still only one. But I do applaud the vigour with which you embrace recreational activities such as this, Mr. Rose.
Johnny: Well, anything to spend a little more time with my special little songbird.
Moira: Ooh. Okay ladies, if you don't mind, I'm going to allow my husband to steal me away, for a modest repast across the avenue.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I used to date Ted.
Miguel: I'm sorry?
Alexis: Ted Mullins? He's the veterinarian.
Miguel: No, no, no, I know who Ted is.
Alexis: Okay cool, I just felt like we were being honest with each other.
Miguel: Wait, weren't you his receptionist?
Alexis: Executive Assistant. And yes, but only for like a minute.
Miguel: But you guys were engaged?
Alexis: Um, very briefly.
Miguel: Uh-huh.
Alexis: And just twice. And we've both moved on. He has a girlfriend now, and apparently they're like very serious.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I realize I take one thing for granted in this town.
Johnny: Oh, Moira.
Moira: My time with the Jazzagals.
Johnny: Ah.
Moira: As sad as it sounds, these rehearsals have become a tiny oasis in the echo-y canyon that I now call my social life. I don't know if you've noticed, John, but this transition has not been the easiest for me.
Johnny: I can't say that I have not noticed.
Moira: Aside from rehearsals, few things keep me going. My nightly sleeps, afternoon naps, and of course meals with my husband.
Johnny: And there will be more of those.
Moira: But John, I have so few pleasures, that if I start combining them, then I'll have even less to look forward to.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: I understand, Moira. So, would you like me to leave you to cocktails with the gals, then?
Moira: Oh god, no, we'll leave together, please. There are only so many ways I can feign amusement at Ronnie's comedia del commode.

Quote from David

Stevie: Okay, not to put any of the blame on you in this situation. Obviously Patrick should've told you he had a fiance, but why didn't you ask him?
David: If he had a secret fiance?
Stevie: Well, no, but did you guys not talk about your dating history?
David: I guess I just thought the deeper we got into his past, the deeper we'd have to get into mine. And, historically speaking, the more I revealed of myself, the less interested people got. So.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Okay, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you were probably surrounding yourself with the wrong people, and we both know that Patrick is not that kind of person. Also, I know everything about you, about your history, your family, and I'm still here.
David: I think you're my best friend.
Stevie: You think? [tuts]
David: Well, I can't know for sure, because I'm realizing now that I don't think I've ever really had one.
Stevie: Okay, well, if we're being honest, I don't think I've ever had one, either.

Quote from David

David: This would be a really sweet moment, if what we had just admitted to each other wasn't so sad.
Stevie: Sadder? When you were in the bathroom, I finished the rest of the lover's curry.
David: Okay, you'll be sleeping in the bathtub tonight.
Stevie: I understand.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, honey, I don't think you should let one embarrassing encounter colour your experience, on Bumper.
Alexis: Bump-kin.
Moira: So you upload your photo, and The Bumpkin sends it to local singles.
Alexis: It's not called The Bumpkin.
Moira: Okay. Oh, here's one. Isaac, 31, works on his family's farm. Certainly loves to take pictures of himself in waterfalls. Though harvesting crops does produce a nicely-sculpted physique.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, gimme my phone.
Johnny: Oh, Alexis, look, you've just Bumpkined with Jebediah.
Alexis: What? Ew!
Johnny: Oh, and now we're back to Ray.
Alexis: Ew!
Moira: How did Ray get such a beautiful bathroom?

Quote from David

David: Um, Alexis, do you mind telling your phone to fuck off?

Quote from Alexis

David: What's "bumpkin"?
Alexis: What? Nothing. Gimme that.
David: Oh, my God, is this a dating app?
Alexis: It's an online social hub for rural singles, if you must know, David. I signed Twyla up.
David: Well, why does it say Alexis you have a new match?
Alexis: Research. I was testing the water for her, David. Poor thing's clueless.

Quote from Alexis

David: How did you even match with Miguel in the first place?
Alexis: I swiped right, obviously.

Quote from Alexis

David: Oh my god, Alexis, I am suffering romantically right now, and there was a minute when I thought I would never have to look at another dating app, and here you are shoving Bumpkins in my face.
Alexis: It's Bumpkin with a wink emoji.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: I promise I'll make it up to you, Sweetheart.
Moira: Okay. As long as we're tabulating scores, this will mark the 3rd time you stood me up this week, John.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Yeah, I mean I guess there isn't really anything standing in the way.
Twyla: So there you go.
Alexis: It's just that I used to date Ted, and now I'm gonna be dating this guy, and it's just gonna be weird, and I don't wanna do anything to upset Ted.
Twyla: So then maybe don't go on a date with this guy?
Alexis: It's just that there are like ten guys on here, and three of them are Ray.
Twyla: Yeah.

Quote from Jocelyn

Johnny: Well, I thought about what you said, and I didn't wanna fall into old habits, so I delegated the rest of the cleaning to Roland.
Moira: Sweet gesture, but was that wise? No offence, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: I was gonna ask him the same thing.

Quote from Ronnie

Johnny: And that frees us up for a little date night, uh, after you've finished rehearsing.
Twyla: Oh, where are you taking her?
Johnny: The cafe.
Ronnie: Ah! If that doesn't scream romance.

Quote from Ronnie

Jocelyn: Johnny, why don't you just come and join Ronnie? Oh, no, no, no!
Johnny: No, no, I haven't used the old pipes in so long, and I I wouldn't want to [singing] impo-o-o-ose [cheering]
Jocelyn: Somebody just nailed their audition.
Johnny: Oh, ha ha.
Ronnie: I've got perfect pitch, so do not mess this up for me.
Johnny: I understand.

Quote from Stevie

David: So, Jake and his little pony are goin' on dates and having sexy honeymoon weekends?
Stevie: No, only sometimes, when it's necessary.
David: Hmm. So you're in love then. You're like falling in love with Jake.
Stevie: It's impossible to be in love with Jake, only Jake is in love with Jake. He's just really good at celebrating my body. So, I'm keepin' him around.

Quote from David

David: So, thank you for saving me from myself because one more day at that motel and I think things would've gotten very dark.
Stevie: Hm. No problem. Just put this on.
David: Okay I'm not playing into your fraudulent behaviour.
Stevie: You still want the free booze, right?
David: Gimme the ring. Can't believe I caught that.

Quote from Alexis

Miguel: Alexis.
Alexis: Yes?
Miguel: Miguel.
Alexis: Oh my gosh, hey. Hi. I didn't recognize you without your nipples.
Miguel: Huh?
Alexis: The puppies. The, um, the cute little puppies that you love to photograph yourself with.
Miguel: Ha ha, yeah, yeah, I left them at home. The puppies. Brought the nipples.
Alexis: Oh good. Not about the nipples, um, about the puppies.

Quote from Alexis

Miguel: I'm just really glad we could make this work. Champagne?
Alexis: Uh, they serve champagne here?
Miguel: I believe it's called Zhampagne, it's from the very famous Zhampagne region of France.
Alexis: Can't wait to try it.

Quote from Stevie

David: No. Absolutely not.
Stevie: Okay, and I completely understand. Um, I just worry that if we don't put the hats on, that the other guests will inevitably force us to.
David: Okay.
Stevie: So.

Quote from Stevie

Bobbie: So, turns out we are not the only ones celebrating the bride and groom. This is from a Patrick. Says, "Have fun, enjoy the night. Thinking about you." Oh, wow, that is just very sweet. And I can assure you that a fun night is guaranteed after a bottle of this. Right? [click tongue] Yeah, she gets it.
Stevie: Okay.
David: Did our waitress just make a sex reference?
Stevie: I mean, I don't think that's really surprising at this point.

Quote from Alexis

Miguel: Okay look, there is nobody who wants to see Ted fail more than I do, professionally speaking. Personally, I feel like this is off limits. It just feels wrong.
Alexis: Okay, that is what I've been saying, to literally everyone.
Miguel: What, you've been telling people about this?
Alexis: No. Some people. Just close friends. And that is the reason that I wasn't gonna come tonight.
Miguel: Yeah, but you came.
Alexis: Okay, bottom line, we've both had a lot of Zhampagne, so I just feel like we need to hydrate, and reflect.
Miguel: Wow. I mean, yeah, but I don't think I can do this.
Alexis: Okay, just to be clear, I couldn't do this first. So I guess I am paying for the Zhampagne then?

Quote from Ronnie

Ronnie: And so, he says to the cop, "Well, if it was mine, I wouldn't've put it in my mouth." [laughter]
Moira: Oh, Veronica, once again, you reign supreme as the queen of the triple entendres.

Quote from Ronnie

Moira: Not to dim the charge on this delightful conversation, but John, why don't you and I go and get the gals another drink?
Johnny: Okay.
Jocelyn: No, no, the next round is on us for our newest member. Lemonades for Moira and me.
Ronnie: And two cosmos for the baritone section.
Johnny: [deep voice] Yes, please.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: So the lover's curry was a mistake.
David: Yeah, it was. Uh, but we got through it, and now we have a story we can only tell each other so...
Stevie: Patrick would find it funny.
David: We will not be telling Patrick.
Stevie: Another secret for the pile.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: "Looking for a hook-up." Well, that sounds promising, Alexis, he's open for hooking up for dinner, or drinks.
Alexis: Uh-uh, that's not what that means.


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