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‘The Jazzaguy’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Schitt's Creek: The Jazzaguy

408. The Jazzaguy

Aired March 13, 2018

As Johnny tries to spend more time with Moira, he finds himself joining the Jazzagals for rehearsals. Meanwhile, Stevie tries to get David over his separation from Patrick with a spa day, and Alexis joins a dating app and matches with Ted's veterinary rival.

Quote from Alexis

Miguel: Um, how did you get so good at this?
Alexis: Hm, you learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom.
Miguel: Right, right. Wait, what?

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Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Ted can't know about this, David. Miguel's the only other vet in town, and they have this like dumb rivalry.
David: When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all 3 Hanson brothers.
Alexis: This is different. I no longer need backstage passes to the Teen Choice Awards.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Oh, Moira, I completely forgot about lunch. And I just gave Stevie the day off.
Moira: How many days off is Stevie allowed to request?
Johnny: Well, she'd worked 14 straight days, so...
Moira: It's starting to remind me of Rose Video, when your work consumed you, and I would miss you so. Except now I don't have the jet and the free DVDs to distract me.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: I'm finding it hard to believe that you don't have the energy to go to a spa.
David: I know, I'm scaring even me. Why are we going to a spa, again?
Stevie: Because you're having boyfriend issues, and this is my reluctant attempt at being supportive.
David: Well, that's very thoughtful of you.
Stevie: I also have a Groupon, which I was planning on using with Jake, but I thought you might need it more, so, get up before I change my mind.

Quote from David

Stevie: Okay, not to put any of the blame on you in this situation. Obviously Patrick should've told you he had a fiance, but why didn't you ask him?
David: If he had a secret fiance?
Stevie: Well, no, but did you guys not talk about your dating history?
David: I guess I just thought the deeper we got into his past, the deeper we'd have to get into mine. And, historically speaking, the more I revealed of myself, the less interested people got. So.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Okay, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you were probably surrounding yourself with the wrong people, and we both know that Patrick is not that kind of person. Also, I know everything about you, about your history, your family, and I'm still here.
David: I think you're my best friend.
Stevie: You think? [tuts]
David: Well, I can't know for sure, because I'm realizing now that I don't think I've ever really had one.
Stevie: Okay, well, if we're being honest, I don't think I've ever had one, either.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: I understand, Moira. So, would you like me to leave you to cocktails with the gals, then?
Moira: Oh god, no, we'll leave together, please. There are only so many ways I can feign amusement at Ronnie's comedia del commode.

Quote from David

David: Um, Alexis, do you mind telling your phone to fuck off?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, I don't know what to say, Sweetheart, I-I still have most of the rooms to clean.
Moira: Would it be too much to ask the guests to clean up after themselves?
Johnny: Hm, yes, it would. It's basically the only service we provide.
Moira: Very well. If lunch is cancelled, I suppose I'll show up on time for Jazzagals rehearsal.
Johnny: Isn't that something you should be doing anyway?
Moira: Oh, there's so much time wasted off top, John. Yap, yap, yap, do, re, mi. A lip buzzing 'til I'm blue in the face!

Quote from Moira

Jazzagals: [singing] Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula- Fat spat-
Moira: Ah! John, what are you doing here? Is it David? Oh no, you can speak freely in front of the gals.
Johnny: No, no, David's fine. David's fine. A little depressed. Stevie had to force him into her car, but you know.
Moira: Then, to what do we owe this off-book sojourn?

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