Miguel: Um, how did you get so good at this?
Alexis: Hm, you learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom.
Miguel: Right, right. Wait, what?

Alexis: Ted can't know about this, David. Miguel's the only other vet in town, and they have this like dumb rivalry.
David: When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all 3 Hanson brothers.
Alexis: This is different. I no longer need backstage passes to the Teen Choice Awards.

Johnny: Oh, Moira, I completely forgot about lunch. And I just gave Stevie the day off.
Moira: How many days off is Stevie allowed to request?
Johnny: Well, she'd worked 14 straight days, so...
Moira: It's starting to remind me of Rose Video, when your work consumed you, and I would miss you so. Except now I don't have the jet and the free DVDs to distract me.

Stevie: I'm finding it hard to believe that you don't have the energy to go to a spa.
David: I know, I'm scaring even me. Why are we going to a spa, again?
Stevie: Because you're having boyfriend issues, and this is my reluctant attempt at being supportive.
David: Well, that's very thoughtful of you.
Stevie: I also have a Groupon, which I was planning on using with Jake, but I thought you might need it more, so, get up before I change my mind.

Stevie: Okay, not to put any of the blame on you in this situation. Obviously Patrick should've told you he had a fiance, but why didn't you ask him?
David: If he had a secret fiance?
Stevie: Well, no, but did you guys not talk about your dating history?
David: I guess I just thought the deeper we got into his past, the deeper we'd have to get into mine. And, historically speaking, the more I revealed of myself, the less interested people got. So.

Stevie: Okay, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you were probably surrounding yourself with the wrong people, and we both know that Patrick is not that kind of person. Also, I know everything about you, about your history, your family, and I'm still here.
David: I think you're my best friend.
Stevie: You think? [tuts]
David: Well, I can't know for sure, because I'm realizing now that I don't think I've ever really had one.
Stevie: Okay, well, if we're being honest, I don't think I've ever had one, either.

Johnny: I understand, Moira. So, would you like me to leave you to cocktails with the gals, then?
Moira: Oh god, no, we'll leave together, please. There are only so many ways I can feign amusement at Ronnie's comedia del commode.

David: Um, Alexis, do you mind telling your phone to fuck off?

Johnny: Well, I don't know what to say, Sweetheart, I-I still have most of the rooms to clean.
Moira: Would it be too much to ask the guests to clean up after themselves?
Johnny: Hm, yes, it would. It's basically the only service we provide.
Moira: Very well. If lunch is cancelled, I suppose I'll show up on time for Jazzagals rehearsal.
Johnny: Isn't that something you should be doing anyway?
Moira: Oh, there's so much time wasted off top, John. Yap, yap, yap, do, re, mi. A lip buzzing 'til I'm blue in the face!

Jazzagals: [singing] Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula- Fat spat-
Moira: Ah! John, what are you doing here? Is it David? Oh no, you can speak freely in front of the gals.
Johnny: No, no, David's fine. David's fine. A little depressed. Stevie had to force him into her car, but you know.
Moira: Then, to what do we owe this off-book sojourn?