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37Quotes from ‘The Jazzaguy’

Schitt's Creek: The Jazzaguy

408. The Jazzaguy

Aired March 13, 2018

As Johnny tries to spend more time with Moira, he finds himself joining the Jazzagals for rehearsals. Meanwhile, Stevie tries to get David over his separation from Patrick with a spa day, and Alexis joins a dating app and matches with Ted's veterinary rival.

Quote from Alexis

Miguel: Um, how did you get so good at this?
Alexis: Hm, you learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom.
Miguel: Right, right. Wait, what?

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Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Ted can't know about this, David. Miguel's the only other vet in town, and they have this like dumb rivalry.
David: When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all 3 Hanson brothers.
Alexis: This is different. I no longer need backstage passes to the Teen Choice Awards.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Oh, Moira, I completely forgot about lunch. And I just gave Stevie the day off.
Moira: How many days off is Stevie allowed to request?
Johnny: Well, she'd worked 14 straight days, so...
Moira: It's starting to remind me of Rose Video, when your work consumed you, and I would miss you so. Except now I don't have the jet and the free DVDs to distract me.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: I'm finding it hard to believe that you don't have the energy to go to a spa.
David: I know, I'm scaring even me. Why are we going to a spa, again?
Stevie: Because you're having boyfriend issues, and this is my reluctant attempt at being supportive.
David: Well, that's very thoughtful of you.
Stevie: I also have a Groupon, which I was planning on using with Jake, but I thought you might need it more, so, get up before I change my mind.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, I don't know what to say, Sweetheart, I-I still have most of the rooms to clean.
Moira: Would it be too much to ask the guests to clean up after themselves?
Johnny: Hm, yes, it would. It's basically the only service we provide.
Moira: Very well. If lunch is cancelled, I suppose I'll show up on time for Jazzagals rehearsal.
Johnny: Isn't that something you should be doing anyway?
Moira: Oh, there's so much time wasted off top, John. Yap, yap, yap, do, re, mi. A lip buzzing 'til I'm blue in the face!

Quote from Moira

Jazzagals: [singing] Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula Fat spatula- Fat spat-
Moira: Ah! John, what are you doing here? Is it David? Oh no, you can speak freely in front of the gals.
Johnny: No, no, David's fine. David's fine. A little depressed. Stevie had to force him into her car, but you know.
Moira: Then, to what do we owe this off-book sojourn?

Quote from Moira

Moira: There was a time when this dusky charmer used to constantly whisk me off to ports unknown.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Actually Johnny, Ronnie could always use another baritone, why don't you join us?
Johnny: Oh, no. No, I'm just here to show support. So, as you were.
Moira: Oh, my husband, the portrait of self-effacement. You should all know that this man's voice melted more than a few hearts.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: Ah, Mrs. Rose, I didn't know there were two singers in the family.
Moira: Well, professionally speaking there's still only one. But I do applaud the vigour with which you embrace recreational activities such as this, Mr. Rose.
Johnny: Well, anything to spend a little more time with my special little songbird.
Moira: Ooh. Okay ladies, if you don't mind, I'm going to allow my husband to steal me away, for a modest repast across the avenue.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I used to date Ted.
Miguel: I'm sorry?
Alexis: Ted Mullins? He's the veterinarian.
Miguel: No, no, no, I know who Ted is.
Alexis: Okay cool, I just felt like we were being honest with each other.
Miguel: Wait, weren't you his receptionist?
Alexis: Executive Assistant. And yes, but only for like a minute.
Miguel: But you guys were engaged?
Alexis: Um, very briefly.
Miguel: Uh-huh.
Alexis: And just twice. And we've both moved on. He has a girlfriend now, and apparently they're like very serious.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I realize I take one thing for granted in this town.
Johnny: Oh, Moira.
Moira: My time with the Jazzagals.
Johnny: Ah.
Moira: As sad as it sounds, these rehearsals have become a tiny oasis in the echo-y canyon that I now call my social life. I don't know if you've noticed, John, but this transition has not been the easiest for me.
Johnny: I can't say that I have not noticed.
Moira: Aside from rehearsals, few things keep me going. My nightly sleeps, afternoon naps, and of course meals with my husband.
Johnny: And there will be more of those.
Moira: But John, I have so few pleasures, that if I start combining them, then I'll have even less to look forward to.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: I understand, Moira. So, would you like me to leave you to cocktails with the gals, then?
Moira: Oh god, no, we'll leave together, please. There are only so many ways I can feign amusement at Ronnie's comedia del commode.

Quote from David

Stevie: Okay, not to put any of the blame on you in this situation. Obviously Patrick should've told you he had a fiance, but why didn't you ask him?
David: If he had a secret fiance?
Stevie: Well, no, but did you guys not talk about your dating history?
David: I guess I just thought the deeper we got into his past, the deeper we'd have to get into mine. And, historically speaking, the more I revealed of myself, the less interested people got. So.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Okay, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you were probably surrounding yourself with the wrong people, and we both know that Patrick is not that kind of person. Also, I know everything about you, about your history, your family, and I'm still here.
David: I think you're my best friend.
Stevie: You think? [tuts]
David: Well, I can't know for sure, because I'm realizing now that I don't think I've ever really had one.
Stevie: Okay, well, if we're being honest, I don't think I've ever had one, either.

Quote from David

David: This would be a really sweet moment, if what we had just admitted to each other wasn't so sad.
Stevie: Sadder? When you were in the bathroom, I finished the rest of the lover's curry.
David: Okay, you'll be sleeping in the bathtub tonight.
Stevie: I understand.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, honey, I don't think you should let one embarrassing encounter colour your experience, on Bumper.
Alexis: Bump-kin.
Moira: So you upload your photo, and The Bumpkin sends it to local singles.
Alexis: It's not called The Bumpkin.
Moira: Okay. Oh, here's one. Isaac, 31, works on his family's farm. Certainly loves to take pictures of himself in waterfalls. Though harvesting crops does produce a nicely-sculpted physique.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, gimme my phone.
Johnny: Oh, Alexis, look, you've just Bumpkined with Jebediah.
Alexis: What? Ew!
Johnny: Oh, and now we're back to Ray.
Alexis: Ew!
Moira: How did Ray get such a beautiful bathroom?

Quote from David

David: Um, Alexis, do you mind telling your phone to fuck off?


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