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The Roast

‘The Roast’

Season 5, Episode 12 - Aired March 26, 2019

Johnny wants to perform at the annual Mayor's Roast where people poke fun at Roland. Meanwhile, Alexis learns that Ted has been selected for a prestigious research program in the Galapagos Islands, and David tries to keep Moira occupied so she won't learn that Patrick and Stevie have hired a choreographer.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Yeah, see, this is why I didn't wanna push it on you this morning, okay? Because you mean way more to me than some dumb once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity.
Alexis: Ted, I don't know what to say. I'd totally think about it, but like, my laptop's here...
Ted: Okay, honestly, just don't worry about it.
Alexis: Well, what about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting "Pearl Harbour".


Quote from Ronnie

Johnny: Ah! Top ten things you don't want Roland to be in charge of-
Ronnie: Ten too many, Johnny. You gotta be short and quick, like Roland in the bedroom.
Bob: [laughs] Now, that, that one kills every year.
Johnny: Oh, no, I love that one. Is that one up for grabs?
Ronnie No. You've gotta go for the jugular, Just stay away from spouses, kids, and health, and you'll be fine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to work, which, up until now, was the most boring part of my day.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, things seem to be going downhill fast. Which is what the town must've been thinking when Roland elected himself Mayor. [laughter]
Roland: Okay, I'll give him that.
Johnny: Oh, got a smile out of Ronnie. The last time anyone saw her this happy was at a 3-for-1 sale on cargo pants! [laughter]
Ronnie: Where? Where? [laughter]
Roland: All right, Johnny, starting to make some moves, now.
Johnny: Cargo, I said car-go, which is what a car is supposed to do unless you take it to Bob's Garage! [laughter]

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well listen, I don't want to overstay my welcome, I'll keep things short and quick. Which reminds me of the last time I was in Roland's bedroom. Um, well, I-I wasn't in Roland's bedroom, but the- Ah! What was it, Ronnie?
Ronnie: Just sit down, Johnny.
Johnny: Well anyway, the punchline is, it was short and quick. [forced laughter] Anyway, I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead, folks.
Roland: I think it's a little late for that, pal.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Oh, you know what, Moira? Jealousy doesn't look good on you. Much like that mirrored jumpsuit you wore to Candy Spelling's 50th!
Moira: John!
Alexis: Oh, my God, Dad!
Johnny: Why don't you take it easy, Alexis, like you did with your education?
Alexis: Ugh!
David: [laughs] I mean, he's not wrong.
Johnny: Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer.
Alexis: Burn, David!
David: Okay, here's why that joke didn't work.

Quote from Moira

Moira: And look at you, John. A worthy competitor emerges. Something the good people at Blockbuster never said about Rose Video.

Quote from David

David: You must be having a lovely morning.
Patrick: Hey now, it's just getting started.
David: Is it just getting started? Because it looks like the two of you have been engaged in general merriment for quite some time now.
Stevie: Did he just say "merriment?"
Patrick: I think he did.
David: Yes, I said "merriment." Because that's what happens when I spend too much time with my mother, and I blame you two for it.

Quote from Alexis

Twyla: One day I hope I find a guy like Ted. Someone who would literally put all their hopes and dreams aside to be with me.
Alexis: Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for the chat, Twy. You're like my little fairy godmother, if she wore an apron, and Celine Dion's perfume.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: That was low, like David's standards.
David: Or the placement of Alexis' back tattoo.
Johnny: Alexis has a back tattoo?
Moira: Alexis, what have you done to yourself?!
David: It says "that's hot" in Cantonese. Got it in Hong Kong.
Alexis: Ugh! I was 12-years-old!

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Hey, so I was thinking about maybe going into work a little bit later today.
Alexis: Ah! Yay, if that means more Teddy time for me, then yes.
Ted: No actually, I've been thinking about maybe taking a longer break from work.
Alexis: I'm listening.
Ted: What if we got out of town, just the two of us?
Alexis: Like Thelma and Louise?

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