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35Quotes from ‘The Roast’

Schitt's Creek: The Roast

512. The Roast

Aired March 26, 2019

Johnny wants to perform at the annual Mayor's Roast where people poke fun at Roland. Meanwhile, Alexis learns that Ted has been selected for a prestigious research program in the Galapagos Islands, and David tries to keep Moira occupied so she won't learn that Patrick and Stevie have hired a choreographer.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Yeah, see, this is why I didn't wanna push it on you this morning, okay? Because you mean way more to me than some dumb once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity.
Alexis: Ted, I don't know what to say. I'd totally think about it, but like, my laptop's here...
Ted: Okay, honestly, just don't worry about it.
Alexis: Well, what about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting "Pearl Harbour".

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Quote from Ronnie

Johnny: Ah! Top ten things you don't want Roland to be in charge of-
Ronnie: Ten too many, Johnny. You gotta be short and quick, like Roland in the bedroom.
Bob: [laughs] Now, that, that one kills every year.
Johnny: Oh, no, I love that one. Is that one up for grabs?
Ronnie No. You've gotta go for the jugular, Just stay away from spouses, kids, and health, and you'll be fine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to work, which, up until now, was the most boring part of my day.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, things seem to be going downhill fast. Which is what the town must've been thinking when Roland elected himself Mayor. [laughter]
Roland: Okay, I'll give him that.
Johnny: Oh, got a smile out of Ronnie. The last time anyone saw her this happy was at a 3-for-1 sale on cargo pants! [laughter]
Ronnie: Where? Where? [laughter]
Roland: All right, Johnny, starting to make some moves, now.
Johnny: Cargo, I said car-go, which is what a car is supposed to do unless you take it to Bob's Garage! [laughter]

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well listen, I don't want to overstay my welcome, I'll keep things short and quick. Which reminds me of the last time I was in Roland's bedroom. Um, well, I-I wasn't in Roland's bedroom, but the- Ah! What was it, Ronnie?
Ronnie: Just sit down, Johnny.
Johnny: Well anyway, the punchline is, it was short and quick. [forced laughter] Anyway, I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead, folks.
Roland: I think it's a little late for that, pal.

Quote from Alexis

Twyla: One day I hope I find a guy like Ted. Someone who would literally put all their hopes and dreams aside to be with me.
Alexis: Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for the chat, Twy. You're like my little fairy godmother, if she wore an apron, and Celine Dion's perfume.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Oh, you know what, Moira? Jealousy doesn't look good on you.
Moira: Much like that mirrored jumpsuit you wore to Candy Spelling's 50th!
Moira: John!
Alexis: Oh, my God, Dad!
Johnny: Why don't you take it easy, Alexis, like you did with your education?
Alexis: Ugh!
David: [laughs] I mean, he's not wrong.
Johnny: Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer.
Alexis: Burn, David!
David: Okay, here's why that joke didn't work.

Quote from Moira

Moira: And look at you, John. A worthy competitor emerges. Something the good people at Blockbuster never said about Rose Video.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: That was low, like David's standards.
David: Or the placement of Alexis' back tattoo.
Johnny: Alexis has a back tattoo?
Moira: Alexis, what have you done to yourself?!
David: It says "that's hot" in Cantonese. Got it in Hong Kong.
Alexis: Ugh! I was 12-years-old!

Quote from David

David: You must be having a lovely morning.
Patrick: Hey now, it's just getting started.
David: Is it just getting started? Because it looks like the two of you have been engaged in general merriment for quite some time now.
Stevie: Did he just say "merriment?"
Patrick: I think he did.
David: Yes, I said "merriment." Because that's what happens when I spend too much time with my mother, and I blame you two for it.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Hey, so I was thinking about maybe going into work a little bit later today.
Alexis: Ah! Yay, if that means more Teddy time for me, then yes.
Ted: No actually, I've been thinking about maybe taking a longer break from work.
Alexis: I'm listening.
Ted: What if we got out of town, just the two of us?
Alexis: Like Thelma and Louise?

Quote from Ronnie

Ronnie: When it comes to making decisions, Roland likes to go with his gut. And boy, does he have a lot of gut to go with. [laughter]
Roland: Oh. Yes, I do.
Ronnie: And look at Bob, pretending to get it. And we all know Gwen, he hasn't gotten it in years! [laughter]
Roland: Oh, that-Ronnie is just crushing it! I mean, you know, everybody really has so far.
Ronnie: Okay, okay, that's all I got for now. So I'm just gonna hand it over to the one who wears the pants in the Rose family. But Moira is not here right now. [laughter] So I'm gonna pass it over to Johnny.

Quote from Stevie

Patrick: So how was, uh, dinner last night?
David: Ooh, long. We spent two and a half hours going over a costume lineup for the show. All so that you two of you could sneak off to some secret dance rehearsal behind her back like a pair of dirty con artists.
Patrick: Hey listen, David, your Mom is a great director. She's just not used to working with amateur dancers.
Stevie: Yeah, last week she told me to dance like an Indonesian scarf caught in the wind. I don't even know what that looks like.

Quote from David

Patrick: David, please, just keep her distracted for one more night.
David: No. No! It's too much!
Stevie: Okay, then I guess we can just tell her we're getting outside help.
David: Mm, good luck. When she was coaching me for the "Little Mister" pageant, I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice. He was the hosting at the time. Anyway, she found out, and felt so betrayed, she "forgot" to double-knot my tap shoes, and cost me the crown. So I will cover for you for one more night. But that is it! This better be worth it.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hey, Johnny. I heard the news. Boy, we are really going to miss Moira tonight at the annual Mayor's Roast. I was looking forward to getting scorched.
Johnny: Oh yeah, well, she's gonna miss it, too.
Roland: Yeah, I mean, when she starts going off, oh my God, you better have the burn unit on speed dial. I mean, get the fire extinguishers ready, because she is just slinging heat! Which ultimately becomes fire.
Johnny: Yeah, I get it, I get it. She can, she can be funny on occasion.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: I'm more than capable of taking Moira's place.
Roland: Johnny, I don't think so. Those are pretty high heels to fill.
Johnny: Well, don't you worry about me, I've, uh, I've handled myself pretty well humorously speaking, in front of large crowds before.
Roland: Jeez, if you bring up that Rose Video shareholder's meeting again.
Johnny: You better be spending this time toughening your skin, because I've got more than a few rippers up my sleeve for tonight.
Roland: Okay, um, first off, I have no idea what "rippers" are.
Johnny: Well, maybe you'd know, if you graduated elementary school. [guffaws]
Roland: I can't believe you said that to me.
Johnny: Oh, Roland, I'm sorry, did I- Was that too far?
Roland: [laughs] Look at your face! "Oh Roland, I'm sorry, did I go too far?" [laughs] Oh pal, you are going to get eaten alive tonight!

Quote from David

Moira: David! What are you doing walking the streets all by yourself?
David: You make me sound like a feral cat. I'm walking home.
Moira: Don't tell me the store is already laying off people!
David: No, Patrick sent me home to get a check that apparently is tax for the government, and not, as I assumed, a bonus for me.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, I'm glad I caught you, because I got your missive about wanting to sup this evening, and I'm afraid I must decline.
David: What? Why? Why?
Moira: David, full disclosure, you have been awfully clingy of late. I think it might be propitious for you to spend some time with your peers. What's Patrick doing tonight? Or Stevie?

Quote from Moira

Moira: They've both been struggling.
David: Yeah, that's- That's it. Your choreography has been working them so hard they basically just go home and fall sleep, so actually your show is stripping me of a social life.
Moira: Alright, David, but it'll have to be a working repast. I could use your eye for the final design of the posters. Okay? You employ the wrong font, and you may as well bid Auf Wiedersehen to ticket sales.
David: Can't wait.
Moira: Until then, dear! [drives off]
David: We're both going home, though! What the hell?!

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Why didn't you tell me you were doing this?
Ted: Because I applied before we got back together, and it takes a couple years to process the applications.
Alexis: A couple years? It sounds important.
Ted: Well, listen, it's not not important. But I can, I can always apply again. You know, Emmett, the tortoise is 180-years-old, So I'm sure he'll still be around in another few years.
Alexis: You love old tortoises! It sounds like a dream.

Quote from Bob

Johnny: Oh, so I've got a lot of good material here, I just need some help sifting out the gold.
Ronnie: I still don't see why you dragged us into this.
Johnny: Well, you can be a tough audience, Ronnie.
Ronnie: What's that supposed to mean?
Johnny: See? That's what I'm looking for, honest reactions.
Bob: Well, I've been honestly reacting quite strongly to your aftershave. It's a bit too European for my taste.
Johnny: Not the most helpful feedback, Bob.

Quote from Johnny

Bob: What do you got, Johnny?
Johnny: Okay, here we go. Well, it's 1791, and three explorers have landed-
Ronnie: Next.
Johnny: I was flipping through the phone book the other day, and-
Ronnie: The phone book? How old are these?!
Johnny: Well, you're not even letting me get to the punchlines, Ronnie.
Bob: Johnny, you need a search and rescue team to find the punchlines for those setups.

Quote from Moira

Moira: So all this time I thought - Poor David thought - that you were home, resting your instruments!
David: I'm so disappointed.
Patrick & Stevie: Sorry, David.
David: [whispers] It's okay.
Moira: However, in the business of show, skullduggery, when it leads to such thrilling results, a pinch of moral corruption is a small price to pay.
Stevie: Is that good?
Patrick: Yeah, I think so.
David: You choreographed this?
Moira: I loosened the pickle jar. Derek merely popped the lid.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Babe! I didn't like how we left things this morning.
Alexis: Me neither. I'm the one that should be sorry.
Ted: No, I should've been more direct, and we should've just talked this through. And I actually did some research on the Maldives, and there's this beautiful resort that we could stay at, it just means we might have to work there part-time, to cover the costs. But I feel like I could teach windsurfing.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Alexis, you continue to amaze me. I can't wait to do this with you. Oh! We're gonna need to shots.
Alexis: Yes! Let's celebrate!
Ted: Uh, no, no, no, I meant like, vaccinations.
Alexis: Mm.
Ted: Yeah, just 'cause we'll be spending a lot of time in tents, and there could be disease-carrying insects around, so...

Quote from Johnny

Roland: All right, Johnny! Go on! Head on up there! Let's see what you've got up your starched sleeve of yours.
Johnny: I'll tell you what I've got up my sleeve Roland, a few tasty little rippers that uh are more palatable than anything Jocelyn's been serving up tonight, so.
Jocelyn: Hey, is that a crack about my cooking?
Bob: From the guy who's had four helpings?
Johnny: Oh, and Bob's joking about me having four helpings. We all know if you've ever taken your car to Bob's Garage, he's not necessarily known "four helpings" anyone.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: No, I wish you guys could've been there tonight. I was really ripping into them.
Moira: Yes, I'm sure you killed them, dear, with all the venom of a silkworm.


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