Tom: So yeah, uh, do you want to talk about it?
Lucy: Thanks. I don't think I'm ready to discuss it just yet. But what I would like to do is have a glass of wine and talk about that shade Nicki Minaj threw at Jesse Eisenberg at the BAFTA awards.
Tom: Mm. He deserved it.
Lucy: No. he didn't!
Tom: Uh, settle in, because I have some very strong feelings about this.

Tom: There's actually one more cake you haven't tried yet.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Donna has chosen me to be the Butler of Honor at her wedding. Now granted, Butler of Honor is a term I made up, but it's not a job I take lightly. That's why I'm about to give her a surprise bigger than when LeBron went back to Miami.
[back:]
Donna: Oh, my God. DJ Bluntz? [boom box plays hip-hop] What is happening right now?
Tom: I think you know what's happening.
Joe: But- But for real, though. What- What's happening?
Tom: Treat yo' self.
Both: [sing] Treat yo' self 2017

Donna: Man, you got it bad. I know you're checking your phone every five minutes to see if Lucy will come with you to my wedding.
Tom: I'm sorry.
Donna: Hey, I understand. Which is why I got you something.
Tom: Hey, you're not supposed to get me anything. This is your special day.
Donna: I didn't buy you anything. What I have for you is a piece of advice.
Tom: Aw, damn. I was secretly hoping you got me the shoes Jaden Smith wears in Hitch 2: Son of a Hitch.

Tom: You told Lucy I want to marry her?
Ron Swanson: Damn it, son, the small hamburgers.
Tom: Ron! You have to walk back what you said.
Ron Swanson: Walk back sounds like lying.
Tom: Can you drop your strict life codes for a second and help me out? Even though I've known Lucy for years, and can see myself spending a life together with her, having children, walking the grounds of Tommy's Bahama - a private island I'll eventually buy - that's way in the future, man.
Ron Swanson: Don't call me "man."
Tom: That's what you took away from this? [grunts] Don't serve this man. No more food until he fixes his giant disaster he's created.

Lucy: What is all this?
Tom: Snakehole Lounge is where we first met. On our first date, I gave you a single daisy, like this. And after that, we ate late-night pancakes at JJ's. And while we were there, I pulled out a deck of cards, and I tried to show you a magic trick I learned off a David Blaine special. Unsurprisingly, I failed, and you made fun of me, ruthlessly. I haven't done this trick in a while, but I think I'm ready to try it again. Pick a card. No, no, no, no. Go a little bit over to the left. There you go.
[Lucy picks a two of hearts which reads "Will you marry me?"]
Lucy: Yes!
Tom: Really?
Lucy: Yes!
Tom: Yay.

[Pawnee, 2019:]
Tom: Nice crooning, buddy. Uh, the gentleman by the bar there sent you over this glass of wine... and his business card. Okay, so as you all know, Tom's Bistro has been presented with a huge expansion opportunity. I don't want to make a decision until I hear from my senior advisory board. So is this a good idea? Accounting Nerd?
Ben: I'm a congressman, Tom. Can you at least call me "Ben"?
Tom: No can do, Accounting Nerd. We all knew you before you were a big shot. Let's keep the whining to a minimum.

[Pawnee, 2019:]
Tom: [on video; English accent] And blow up he did, but not in the good way. He lost everything. Today, Tom Haverford is broke, destitute, and worst of all, swaggerless.
Lucy: Tommy, you got to stop watching this.
Tom: I can't tear myself away. It's a whole documentary about my failures.
Lucy: That you made.
Tom: I had to. I have to remember every tiny, awful aspect of this. I lost everything, Lucy. The franchises, most of my money. I had to sell my pocket square collection. What are people's eyes gonna be drawn to?
Lucy: Look, you had a tough break. The stock market tanked, credit dried up. Who could have predicted that the country would run out of beef? You just got to move on.
Tom: That's the problem, though. I've gone bust in the past, but it was because I did something reckless. This time I was smart and careful, and I still went broke. What do I do now?
Lucy: Well, you and I are gonna be fine, and you'll come up with a new idea. You always do.

[future:]
Tom: I once started an entertainment company. It failed in four months. I opened a clothing rental store. I built a restaurant empire. They all failed, but the story of America isn't about second or third chances. It's about 4th, 5th, 6th, 20th, 50th chances. That's how long it took me to get where I am today: Best-selling author of... Failure: An American Success Story. [applause] As you know if you've read the book, I've outlined seven different types of successful people. You can be an Andy, an April, a Ben, a Leslie, a Ron, a Donna, or my personal favorite, a Tom. But what do we definitely not want to be?
All: A Garry!
Tom: That's right. Do not be a Garry.
Jerry: Oh, he's talking about me! [laughs]

[Pawnee, 2025:]
Ron Swanson: Tom! I took the quiz in your book about what kind of person I am. I'm a "Ron."
Tom: Ha! I'm usually a "Tom," but sometimes I'm a "Donna."
Ben: Last time I took it, I was a "Tom."
Tom: What? No. No, no, no! Take it again! I got to go recalibrate the quiz.

Tom: Oh, the lighting's all wrong. I'm gonna send you a glamour shot. Just Photoshop me in later.