Nick: I couldn't find your trash bin, so I threw it away in the toilet.
Schmidt: What'd you throw in the toilet?
Nick: The, uh, salami in the fridge.
Schmidt: What?
Nick: I didn't flush it. So, you're gonna have a bunch of salami floating around in your toilet bowl.
Schmidt: What?

Nick: I get Goosebumps Walka-- Okay, okay, just think-- okay. Oh, wait, Reagan, before you go! "Wherever the fridge of life takes you..." You came in, I liked you, then you left! What, what is that...?! Stop thinking... that this is good-bye. And start knowing it as... bye... bye. Pretend I didn't do the "byes."

Jess: Look, Nick, I love you. I have no feelings for Russell.
Nick: But how could you not? He is so handsome! I mean, look at him! He's physically outstanding! And it's all my fault! Because I brought the curse on us! Did the curse make you more handsome?! That's my question to you! He is physically incredible!

Nick: Hey, guess who got a trainer.
Jess: So many menus.
Nick: I'm gonna look like Barry Bonds.

Cece: Nick, you need a plan, okay? I don't care what Jess says. She's going to expect something.
Nick: I have to plan a birthday before the birthday?
Schmidt: The whole day is the birthday.
Cece: This is a very big deal. This is your first birthday together as a couple.
Nick: All right, you know what? It's gonna be okay. It's her birthday. That girl's gonna want to sleep in. My day is not starting till noon.

Nick: [in dramatic voice, with pantyhose on his head] Well, you see, loyalty has a price, Mr. President. Give me the hot dogs! Put the damn hot dogs in the bag, you son of a bitch, and I won't...
Jess: Oh, my God. What are we gonna do? She can't move in to... Take that off. I hope those are clean.
Nick: Enough.

Nick: You're a garbage person and you should live in a Dumpster with rotten snails.
Jess: Hey! Nick! Too far!
Abby: Yeah, way over the line, buddy.
Nick: Yeah, but I thought we were just piling in...
Jess: That's my sister, dude.
Nick: I didn't mean that, yeah. Sorry.

Cece: What kind of woman have you been sleeping with since you and Jess broke up?
Nick: Terrible ones.
Cece: And how does that make you feel?
Nick: Terrible. Then really good.
Cece: Expected. Expected.
Schmidt: There you go.
Nick: But then, immediately after, terrible.
Cece: I'm just gonna put this out there, but I think you'd probably rather like to sleep with someone who doesn't make you feel terrible, but you're just a little afraid of getting hurt again.
Nick: No, that doesn't sound right.

Jess: I've wanted this forever and I came so close at my last school. Like, champagne and Prosecco close.
Nick: So, if you find marijuana in a locker, it's yours now. Ours now. It could just be part of the loft. We could just put it in a... Congratulations.
Jess: You just got yourself two weeks detention, Mr. Miller.
Nick: What? But I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything!

Nick: Sorry about that. Uh, that was some weird stuff. "The sun baked down on Pepperwood's back as he moved over to the St. Charles streetcar. The driver handed him a brown paper sack. Without opening it, Pepperwood knew what was inside: blood-soaked beignets."
Girl: He is so dreamy.
Jess: Oh, your life's gonna be so hard.