Gloria: Shorty, you're kidding.
Shorty: I never joke when it comes to fruit. That miracle in your hand is a half plum, half apricot. There was a time they could only accomplish that in juice.

Miles: So 65, huh? You're heading into the best years of your life.
Shorty: That's right. You put in the work. You climbed the mountain. Now it's time to reap the rewards.
Jay: I guess you're right.
Phil: Sounds pretty good to me.
Shorty: You know, the more I look at you, the angrier I get that you don't got a beard.
Phil: I had a soul patch once.
Shorty: A soul patch? That's like a beard's crap.

Shorty: You know, that guy's got a beautiful stroke. Look at his pants- no pleats. I like pants like that. You think I can get away with something like that?
Jay: Sure. Why not? Listen, Shorty, uh, we know each other a long time, right?
Shorty: What, 30 years?
Jay: Yeah. And, um, I sense that you got a secret that's maybe causing you a lot of anguish.
Shorty: You heard something, right?
Jay: Well, I had the same situation with my son, Mitchell.
Shorty: Really?
Jay: Yeah, and I didn't handle it too well either. And, uh, I just want you to know that you can open up to me, that I'm gonna do all I can to help you.
Shorty: Well, I mean I- I never said this out loud before to anyone. But I guess, if I did, it would be you. [chuckling] It's just that, Jay, you see, I'm, uh- I'm-
Jay: Go ahead. Yeah. Go ahead.
Shorty: I'm in debt.
Jay: Huh?
Shorty: I owe a bookie 20 G's, and he's a serious guy. And you offering to give me the dough- This is beautiful.

Jay: Wait a minute. You're not gay?
Shorty: Gay? What are you talkin' about- gay? I'm not gay. Where'd you get gay?
Jay: Come on. I mean, you're always talking about clothes and everything, right?
Shorty: My father was a tailor. I like clothes. So what? Are you calling my father gay?
Jay: No!
Shorty: My father landed on Normandy to save your ass. You know, if you weren't lending me 20 G's, I'd knock you out right now.
Jay: Take a check?
Shorty: Cash would be better.

Shorty: Jay. Jay. Listen, I wanna thank you for, you know, helping me out with that jam.
Jay: It was nothin'.
Shorty: No, no, no. And I got you a little present.
Jay: You didn't have to do that.
Shorty: No, I did. Two tickets to see the great Michael Buble. The guy sings like an angel. He's gonna be outside at one of the amphitheaters.
Jay: Gloria's gonna love it.
Shorty: No. I'm talkin' about you and me.
Jay: Oh, you and me.
Shorty: Yeah.
Jay: Well, that's a little-
Shorty: I thought maybe we could have a little picnic since it's outside. You know? I'll get some nice bottle of wine, a little cheese. Lay on a nice blanket. All right?
Jay: Yeah, fine.
Shorty: [to a passing man] Yo, hey. I like your hair. Who does your hair? Huh? Yo, handsome. Who does your hair?

Shorty: Hey, Phil, you ever think about growing a beard? I mean, you got the face for it.
Phil: You think?
Shorty: Yeah.
Phil: That's funny. I always thought so, but my wife doesn't.
Shorty: Oh, what does she know? Come on, you got a great nose, those deep-set eyes. I mean, you would look good.
Phil: Thanks, Shorty.
Shorty: It's, uh, sort of a Jon Hamm in between projects.

Shorty: You're calling me a cheater? You? The guy on the golf course who can't seem to count higher than 5?
Jay: Maybe I can't keep track of my shots because somebody won't stop talking.
Shorty: It is in my nature to comment on the bizarre and unusual things I see in the world, like that convulsion you call a golf swing.

Shorty: Hey, hey, hey. That's a great coat. Where'd you get that?
Mitchell: I don't know. It was a gift.
Shorty: Really? What is it- suede, microsuede? Um- Some kind of lambskin? It's very soft, you know.
Mitchell: Thank you.

Shorty: You know what the problem is.
Jay: What?
Shorty: You're not moving your hips. They're frozen.
Jay: Hips?
Shorty: Yeah, your hips. They're frozen. Here, let me show you.
Jay: No, it's okay. All right, Shorty.
Shorty: No, no. Don't fight me. Just bring the club back. Go ahead. All right? Now turn those hips. That's it. You just gotta relax. You gotta open up the stance a little bit. Spread 'em. Spread 'em. That's it. If you don't relax, you're never gonna get that shaft where it belongs.

Darlene: What was wrong with that guy?
Shorty: Yeah, I would have danced with him. He's got nice shoulders.
Gloria: Aw, you know, salsa is so intimate and sensual that it feels wrong to do it with somebody else that is not Jay.