Jay: What are you doing? What the heck is that?
Phil: Making your birthday dreams comes true.
Shorty: It's your special day, buddy. Should we put him in the trunk?
Phil: Why would we put him in the trunk?
Shorty: You said there were no bad ideas.

Phil: Jay!
Jay: Son of a bitch! Somebody help me!
Shorty: I would, but- but these pants are cashmere!
Phil: I got you, Jay!
Shorty: You gotta calm him down! Punch him in the head!

Shorty: Gentlemen, come on. As my uncle used to say, let's not let a botched kidnapping ruin our whole afternoon.
Miles: He's right. The whole point of this is for you to enjoy the lake with your three best friends.
Jay: Stan coming?
Phil: Burn!

Miles: I golfed six times last week. Found 42 balls. A new record. I don't think my falcon could have found that many, and he can spot a mouse at 600 yards.
Shorty: Whats that have to do with beards?
Miles: I thought we were talking about Jay turning 65 and how good that's gonna be.
Shorty: That's right. It's gonna be great, Jay. I'm telling ya. I got a vegetable garden. Two years ago, it was a patch of dirt in my backyard. Now I got tomatoes, I got five kinds of beans, I got squash. And between you and me, I'm even thinking about pickling my own cucumbers.
Jay: Why would that be between you and me?
Shorty: Because there's a finite number of pickles. But don't worry. All you guys are on the list.

Darlene: We're moving to Costa Rica!
Shorty: Yeah!
Jay: What?!
Gloria: When?
Shorty: In a couple of weeks. The cost of living is so low down there, you know? We found this beautiful place on the water. It's got its own private beach. Bathing suits are optional.
Darlene: But encouraged. [points to Shorty]

Shorty: Thank you, Gloria. That was a lovely dinner. And you are an incredible woman for putting up with this gringo!

Shorty: Oh, sorry, I kind of lost track of time.
Jay: Hey, no worries. Who among us hasn't blown off his best friend he hasn't seen in four years to go fruit shopping?
Shorty: Sounds like somebody could use a Pomegrapefruit Blast.
Gloria: Blast means "yogurt."

Jay: Hey, fella. What happened in there?
Shorty: I'm a fraud, Jay. I'm a damn fraud.
Jay: Come on. We all cry at weird stuff. For me, it's when boxers hug after a fight.
Shorty: It's not the crying I'm worried about. You were right. You said I would lose everything if I went to Costa Rica, and I did.
Jay: What are you talking about? I-I-I thought you were a big juice magnate.
Shorty: Lies! It's all lies, Jay! I'm not no juice magnate. I had a juice stand, and things were okay... until these monkeys got a hold of my knives. The lawyer says I can't talk about it. Then Darlene takes off with this honcho in zip lines and leaves me. That's why I've been avoiding you. I'm a disgusting loser!
Jay: Who are you talking to? You don't need to be embarrassed.
Shorty: But you said, "Don't come crying to me when it all turns to hell and I have to pick up the pieces." You said that!
Jay: It's just what you say. Of course I'm gonna pick up the pieces. What else would I do? You're my best friend.
Shorty: And you're my best friend, damn it.

Shorty: So, my ex-wife and I, we were on vacation with Jay and Gloria. They're walking down the beach, and my ex-wife says, "Whoa, look at all that skin." And I said, "Baby, come on." "What's wrong with that? She's a beautiful woman in a bikini." She said, "Oh, I'm talkin' about Jay's scalp." [laughter]