Gloria: Hola, Javier.
Jay: How was Take Your Son To Not Work Day?
Javier: How was life before radio?

Jay: So, we were just headed out to dinner.
Javier: What, you think I show up empty-handed? I brought dinner- lobsters!
Manny: Did you catch them with your bare hands?
Javier: No. But I bought them with my bare hands.

Javier: I see a picture over here of you on a motorcycle. You ride?
Jay: I used to.
Javier: Used to? Used to? Jay, the saddest words in any language, my friend.
Jay: Yeah. Hey, help me out here. Everybody sees you as this great guy. You know, you live this life of adventure. How come I don't buy a word of it? All I see is a dad who doesn't show up.
Javier: Hey, Manny knows me. I live in the now.
Jay: Well, I was living in the yesterday when Manny was crying outside that door 'cause you didn't show up for the 10th time.
Javier: And when I don't come, you think, uh- What, I'm just off chasing a good time, hmm? You ever think it might be hard for me, coming here?
Jay: Why? Because of Gloria?
Javier: Because of you.

Gloria: So you work at the museum?
Trish: Oh, no. I'm just on the board. I run the art and antiquities department at Christie's.
Gloria: Oh.
Javier: Let me see. What is the word I am looking for? Oh, yes. Bam!

Gloria: So how did you two meet?
Javier: I won a car in a poker game, but it caught on fire, so the guy gave me a painting. I took it to the auction house, eh, ticky ticky, I made a big profit but I still came home with a masterpiece.
Manny: He means her.
Trish: May I tell you, you have a wonderful boy? So well-mannered and chivalrous. It's like he leapt off the canvas of a 16th century portrait by Gainsborough or van Dyke.
Javier: Listen to that brain.

Javier: Now what I see is a man who is not man. He is a servant who has lost his dignity. It is a commentary on the class system in society. As well as a handy place to put your keys and sunglasses.
Gloria: Whatever he is, your Barkley is going back to the attic.

Javier: Now listen, my love. This belonged to my abuela.
Trish: Um, maybe not now, Javier.
Javier: No, no. Please. Please. It will fill my heart to see this ring on your your finger. Oh. It's-- it's a little small.
Trish: I can't do this.
Javier: No, no. I'll just push a little harder.
Trish: Javier, stop. It'll never work.
Javier: But wait, my love. We can put butter on your finger.

Gloria: I hope that you had fun last night.
Javier: Oh, I did. It was a magical time.
Gloria: I can't believe that you...
Javier: Me either. Look at our son over there, eh? He's perfect.
Gloria: Yeah, and then you come along and you expose him to all this...
Javier: Me? It was you who exposed him to so many amazing things. You raised him to be a wonderful man without my help. Every single thing that is good about him is because of you.
Gloria: I'm sorry?
Javier: I'm sorry. Thank you for being the finest mother to our son.

Javier: I was in a high-stakes poker game with a King-high Flush. So I bet my house.
Gloria: No, no, no, no, no. You're not living in Manny's room.
Javier: I won a year-long cruise around the world. I want you to set sail with me for the entire voyage!
Manny: What?!
Gloria: Absolutely not.
Manny: I should ask my gal at Nordstrom to pull some cruise looks for me.
Javier: Look at him, he's chomping at the bit.
Gloria: Stop setting me up!

Javier: Look, I understand your concern, but I want to bond with Manny before it's too late. I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. You probably didn't notice, but I got veneers.
Jay: Oh, that's what that is!