Gil Thorpe: All right, let's give her a round of applause, everybody. Come on. Oh, come on, you can do better than that. Let me hear ya! All right! All right! All right, class dismissed. Get out of here!
Teacher: No! No, no, no. We have guys, we have three more hours.

Phil: [on the phone] This was between us. You don't bring family into it. Low blow getting Claire's hopes up.
Gil Thorpe: Hey, I'm not getting her hopes up. This is a real job with real bennies. One of which is I get to tell you what I'm thinking whenever she leans over my desk! Ha ha ha! Oh, I'm gonna have so much fun with this! Uhh! Later, dunph-bags!

Phil: [answering phone] Hello? Hey, Gil. No, no, no. You- You didn't wake me. [door bell rings] Um, so, you hear anything, or-
[Phil opens the front door]
Gil Thorpe: Hey, Dunphy. Just wrapping up a phone call with this jackass. I got to run, Dunphy. I got a late meeting with some jackass.

Gil Thorpe: The people have spoken, Dunphy. I'm in. You're out. Sorry to have to tell you that in private.
Phil: Was it even close?
Gil Thorpe: No! I have a mandate -- Not the kind you hide from your wife, either.

Gil Thorpe: Okay, enough history, "done-for." Fork over the hardware.
Phil: Gil, as my predecessor told me, respect the office, respect the medallion.
Gil Thorpe: Ooh, shiny. How often do you clean this thing?
Phil: Every time I shower.
Gil Thorpe: Well, don't worry. It's gonna get a good buffing tonight when it's swinging against the back of my wife's head.
Phil: That is not respecting the medall-

Manny: It's scary to let people see the real you, even when those people are your own family. But aren't they the ones we should be least worried about, the ones who will love us without judging, who forgive our faults and celebrate our imperfections? Maybe even encourage us to let our true selves shine through? I think you look beautiful.
Gloria: I look old. All my cousins are going to see this. Click the button that makes my wrinkles go away.

Phil: [answering car phone] Hello.
Gil Thorpe: Is this Phil dumpster?
Phil: What do you want, Gil?

Gil Thorpe: Oh, my God. That's Dunphy. 50 bucks to the first guy who hits him, huh?

Mitchell: But doesn't it feel great to... to finally own who you really are?
Gil Thorpe: Yeah, it does.
Phil: I remember admitting to my dad I was into magic.
Gil Thorpe: It's not the same, Dunphy. [chuckles] It's just not...