Gil Thorpe: Dunphy?
Phil: Hey, Gil.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, I was just making a pitstop on the way to the Bunny Ranch. I accidentally walked in here 'cause some local said they had great wings. Didn't realize there were no breasts! Am I right?!

Mitchell: Oh, hey. You don't have to do this. I'm... I'm Mitch, I'm Phil's brother-in-law, and it's okay that you're gay.
Gil Thorpe: Whoa! What? Hold on a second now. That's crazy! You're gay!
Mitchell: Yes, I know. It's not the insult you think it is.
Phil: Charming as ever. Off you go. Best of luck.
Mitchell: I got this, okay? It's gonna take him some time to... to accept who he really is.
Gil Thorpe: I'm totally gay.
Mitchell: Wow, you're off to a strong start.

Gil Thorpe: God, I have so many questions for you, though.
Mitchell: Hey, hey, first time I walked into this bar, I did, too.
Gil Thorpe: Fire away. Okay. [stammering] I'm just not comfortable opening up in front of the breeder here, okay?
Phil: You have more kids than I do!
Gil Thorpe: That's homophobic, man!

Mitchell: Twenty years ago, I was in this bar, feeling just like you do. And this really nice guy came up to talk to me. I-I think he could see how lost and alone I was. And, I don't know, it felt like my whole world opened up that day. [chuckles]
Gil Thorpe: Wow, that's a touching story. So when are we gonna start touching?
Mitchell: I'm sorry, what?
Gil Thorpe: I say we head out to the parking lot, get a little crazy in my ex-wife's minivan, huh?
Mitchell: No! No, gross!
Gil Thorpe: Fine, Prince Harry. I'll pop for a hotel room. But that means we're doing everything.
Mitchell: Okay. Y-You're awful! Well, at least I'm not a tease. What a waste of an afternoon. [to another guy] Hey, I'm Gil. Just came out. Feeling kind of lost and alone.

Phil: Now, stay still. I'd hate for you to lose your head, like I lost my si... [drops razor] Son of a... Ah! I dropped it. Where's the blue stuff? Just admit it. You've been taking the signs off my house on Sycamore.
Gil Thorpe: Phil, I'm gay now. Between pumping iron and bummin' out my dad, I don't have time for our petty rivalry. But if you ask me, this stunt's got Sue Liu written all over it.
Phil: Sue Liu.

Phil: [answering phone] Yell-o?
Gil Thorpe: Quick question. Am I talking to live Phil or video Phil?
Phil: What do you want, Gil?
Gil Thorpe: I just wanna make it's okay that your wife calls me "boss."
Phil: Good-bye.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, hold on! Hold on! I'm just messing with ya. Although I do think your wife's gonna enjoy being under me.
Phil: My son is in the car.
Gil Thorpe: Hey, superstar! What's up? Listen, any time you wanna swing by the beach house, I'll be glad to show you how to throw a tight spiral like I did at Texas Tech. Booyah!
Phil: He already knows how to throw.
Luke: Yeah, my gay Uncle Cam taught me.

Gil Thorpe: Pay attention, kids. You're about to hear from the number four realtor in town. [mouths "I'm number one"]

Phil: [on TV] Aw! You sold a house to the channel 7 weatherman?
Gil Thorpe: No. No. But I did sell one to Kobe Bryant.
Phil: Guess what? He's not talking to you.

Gloria: I wanna thank you kids for having me here today. And remember the three rules of real estate: Thorpe, Thorpe, Thorpe!

Gil Thorpe: Okay. Hey, hey, hey! Let me tell you something. Stay-at-home moms are heroes.
Claire: Yeah.
Gil Thorpe: They're the backbone of this country.
Claire: Thanks, Gil.
Gil Thorpe: I mean, if I had to do that job, I'd probably drink myself to death, honestly.