Spangler: Good morning, cadets. I must say, it is inspiring to see young men with the courage to stand up for the things they believe in. Two whole days. What an impressive show of civil disobedience. That's the kind of intestinal fortitude that can only be properly honored by an omelet bar.
Francis: Tempting us with food isn't going to work, sir.
Spangler: Of course not. These delicious eggs and choice of scrumptious fillings are for me. Now, here's my dilemma. What shall I put in my omelet? Black forest ham? Imported cheese? Porcini mushrooms?
Eric: Porcini?
Spangler: Oh, what the heck! Give me the works. Mmm.

Hal: Look, I... I understand that, uh, Francis is never going to be the perfect kid. You see, what I'm asking for here is, is just a little... ray of hope. Anything at all?
Spangler: Francis is... ...not interested in learning. Francis is... interested in causing trouble. I'm sorry to have to say that, but I have seen his type before. All he likes to do is flout authority. He has contempt for rules. He lives to undermine and destroy. He feels no compunction...
Hal: Okay. I get it. Isn't there anything positive you can tell me?
Spangler: Sorry. [Hal gets up to leave] Oh, wait.
Hal: Yes?
Spangler: Do you want chicken or fish tonight?

Francis: Where is he? He should've been back by now. Look at this, my palms are sweating!
Eric: Would you calm down? Here he comes.
Francis: So?
Spangler: [slurs] For some reason, I was fired. [falls over]
Francis: I don't believe it, he's drunk again!
Eric: You're just going to have to face it, Francis, there's no hope for this guy. The only thing that ever made him remotely happy was tormenting and bullying helpless students. Without that he's nothing.
[cut to Spangler at an Alaskan retirement home:]
Spangler: You call that a collage? It is an insult to the craft! I can see paste coming up over the top of the Popsicle stick!
Woman: I'm sorry, I have arthritis.
Spangler: That's it. You have just lost pudding for the whole group. Feel free to thank Mrs. Meekitjuk after I leave.

Spangler: I can't apologize enough for these barbaric accommodations. You deserve so much more.
Lois: Oh, no, this is fine. Why are all the hotel rooms booked?
Spangler: The All-Alabama Gay Rodeo is in town again. Homosexuals riding horses and such. It does wonders for the local economy but you have to fight the crowds for everything. If you're interested, I have some passes.
Lois: No, thanks.
Spangler: Another time, then. Bon soir.

Spangler: Do you have any idea what you have done? Marlin Academy cannot exist without the support, the goodwill and cooperation of the local community. The police chief and the mayor both sit on our board of governors! The fire chief is a regent! And right now their psychotic offspring are in there tearing up the floorboards! It won't be long before they're in the air ducts.
Francis: What are we going to do, sir?
Spangler: We are going to do what any self-respecting member of society does in a situation like this... we're going to keep it quiet.
Joe: But they're destroying the school.
Spangler: Let's hope that's all they do, cadet. I'm afraid this is like an oil fire, we have to let it burn itself out.
Francis: Oh, yeah, I forgot... one of them started an oil fire.

Spangler: Pajamas, Cadet?
Francis: Sir, I'm sorry for my fellow cadet's appearance. He's fresh from civilian life and is taking a little time to adjust.
Richie: Hey, are you the dude who hands out the guns?
Francis: And you can see he's very anxious to assimilate himself into our military lifestyle.
Spangler: What's your name, Cadet?
Richie: Richie. Pleasure.
Spangler: Listen closely, Cadet. This is not going to be easy for you. Your family sent you here because you couldn't handle it at home. Maybe you were coddled. Well, there is no coddling here. You make a mistake and you will be punished. Be aware, Cadet, I am keeping my eye on you.
Richie: [laughs] Good one.
Spangler: Pardon?
Richie: You're keeping your eye on me. You know, you got only one eye. [chuckles] Like Popeye. I think it's cool that you're cool with it.
Spangler: [chuckles] That's amusing. I've never heard that before. Carry on. [chuckles] Popeye. Quite amusing. [chuckles]
Richie: Is he like our butler or something?

Francis: Oh, that is pretty clever, sir. But what makes you think I won't just tell Richie about your plan?
Spangler: Oh, feel free. But I don't think you will.
Francis: He's my best friend. Why wouldn't I tell him?
Spangler: Because you hate him, too. You're resentful of all the special privileges that he gets. The expensive dinners, the use of the Academy golf cart, the way he gets shiatsu massages when the rest of you are suffering through survival training.
Francis: That doesn't matter. Of course I would tell him. I would be a traitor if I didn't.
Spangler: You would be, wouldn't you?

Spangler: I heard what happened, cadet. My, my, my. All that splintered wood and broken glass. [tuts] I brought you something.
Francis: What's that?
Spangler: A hammer, cadet. I expect you to repair the case. You'll find lumber in the common room.
Francis: I have a nine-inch gash in my leg!
Spangler: Hmm. [strokes chin with hook] That's quite a handicap. Cadet, you damaged school property! And you are the one responsible for repairing it. Consider it a character-building lesson.
Francis: I didn't damage anything. That was negligence. The phone wasn't properly connected to the wall! It's unfair!
Spangler: I decide what's fair around here. But wait. Maybe I've been hasty. No. Now that I've reconsidered, the decision stands. You will fix the damage by the end of the week. That is all, cadet.

Spangler: When you men are done here, I expect to see each and every one of you on the parade ground practicing your close order drill.
Francis: But, sir, we just did close order drill.
Spangler: Is that what that was? It looked like physical therapy at a head trauma ward.
Francis: Sir, we've been cleaning and drilling for 36 hours. I think, by law, we're supposed to be allowed to sleep. Why are we doing this?
Spangler: Well, this was supposed to be a surprise, but I can no longer contain my excitement. Marlin Academy is about to be visited by one of the last living heroes. Gentlemen, Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North, United States Marine Corps, Retired, is coming here to give you a motivational speech.
Finley: Sir, isn't he a convicted felon?
Spangler: That conviction was overturned.
Eric: So was mine, but I'm still stuck here.
Spangler: Well, if you had a Bronze Star, a Silver Star, two Purple Hearts, and a nationally syndicated radio call-in show, then maybe you could have had a deal. But since you don't... you can shut your piehole!

Spangler: Entrez.
Francis: [enters] Sir, it's about Richie.
Spangler: Is he all right?
Francis: He's more than all right, he's in heaven. Don't you think you've been letting him slide a little?
Spangler: Yes.
Francis: You're letting him get away with murder.
Spangler: I certainly am.
Francis: Are you aware that he thinks he's immune to any punishment? That he can do whatever he wants?
Spangler: I am, and he can.
Francis: Sir... are you just messing with my head?
Spangler: It's not always about you, Cadet.