Abe: [o.s.] Oh, I'll tell you what the problem is. I hate this boat, I hate this place and everything about this vacation!
Kitty: [o.s.] Then, why didn't you say anything?
Abe: Oh, what difference would it have made? This whole trip was your idea! And God knows, whatever Kitty wants, Kitty gets!
Kitty: Stop behaving like a total ass! You're ruining everyone's-
Abe: I could be sitting in a suite in Hawaii right now!
Kitty: They can't afford that.
Abe: Well, pardon me for going to college and earning a decent living! Should I drive a crappy car 'because they do, too?! No, they cannot hear me! And even if they could, they'd certainly understand it's just my puckish sense of humor. [whispers] Don't you worry. They're not that smart.

Spangler: I heard what happened, cadet. My, my, my. All that splintered wood and broken glass. [tuts] I brought you something.
Francis: What's that?
Spangler: A hammer, cadet. I expect you to repair the case. You'll find lumber in the common room.
Francis: I have a nine-inch gash in my leg!
Spangler: Hmm. [strokes chin with hook] That's quite a handicap. Cadet, you damaged school property! And you are the one responsible for repairing it. Consider it a character-building lesson.
Francis: I didn't damage anything. That was negligence. The phone wasn't properly connected to the wall! It's unfair!
Spangler: I decide what's fair around here. But wait. Maybe I've been hasty. No. Now that I've reconsidered, the decision stands. You will fix the damage by the end of the week. That is all, cadet.

Lois: Hal, let me see your bathing suit.
Hal: [o.s.] No. The ones you picked out are too big and baggy.
Lois: Baggy is good. It's less surface area I have to shave.
Hal: I like the little ones.
Lois: No, Hal. You always pop out of the little ones.
Hal: I do not. That was one time.
Lois: Hal, the Kenarbans are conservative people. We're going to be in very close quarters with them. Now, you get the baggy ones.
Hal: Just let me show you something.
Lois: It better not be that suit in the egg.
Hal: Uh-uh, don't say anything till you see it.

Lois: Oh, this is great. To just relax with adults. [Abe plays a word] "Suffocate". Good for you, Abe. [Kitty plays a word] "Cry baby."
Abe: I believe that's two words, dear.
Kitty: OK, then. Just "baby".

Lois: Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender?! A registered sex offender! And for what? For some trampy girl? For-
Malcolm: Mom, please! I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's, like, the worst thing I've ever done. We both agree I'm a terrible person.
Lois: For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't even give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you show your father?!
Reese: Hey, maybe I'm the good one after all. Here, Mom. For your throat. I put a little honey in it.
Lois: That man gets one vacation a year and this is how you start it! [phone rings] You go and make it right!

Lois: [on the phone] Absolutely not, Francis!
Francis: Mom, you're not listening. I can make $45 an hour. That's more than you or Dad makes.
Lois: You are going to graduate from high school.
Francis: Why spend the tuition? It's a total waste of money. We both know I'm failing. OK, now we both know.
Lois: Francis, you are going to stay in school until you graduate and that's all there is to it. And if you flunk out, then it's just another year you're stuck there.
Francis: You just can't stand the fact I'll be making more money than you!
[After Francis slams the payphone down, the cabinet falls off the wall and lands on his foot. Francis screams and hops about in agony, crashing into the trophy cabinet. The shelves inside the cabinet buckle and the trophies come crashing down. As he lays on the floor, Francis inspects himself.]
Francis: Whoa. That was close.
[After one of the cabinet legs gives way, the cabinet comes crashing down on Francis]

Hal: That's the King Of The Seas?
Dewey: [screams] No TV! There's no TV! There's no TV! There's no TV!
Hal: [chuckles] [turns Dewey towards the lake] There's your TV.
Reese: I don't see any TV.

Malcolm: Dad, I'll help you with that.
Hal: [grunts] No, no. I've got it.
Malcolm: Dad, please. Wait. Come on. Talk to me, please.
Hal: OK, fine. [chuckles] Oh, I wanted to wait till this afternoon but what the heck? Check this out. It's a Cavanaugh. Remember last year you saw a picture of a father and a son fishing together and said, "I'd like to try that"?
Malcolm: Yeah.
Hal: Yeah, well, I kept lookin' at that picture, and thinkin' about you and me, and I started putting a little money away, and, you know, I... I got this for ya. Oh, man, you wouldn't believe how hard this week has been. Every time that I looked at you, I wanted to spill the beans but.
Malcolm: This is why you wouldn't talk to me?
Hal: We'll take the dingy out and we'll do some fishin'. Just the two of us.
Malcolm: Great.
Hal: See you on board, Skipper.

Stevie: Remember... to call me... Snoop.

Lois: Dewey, you have to let go of the rope. You're all sunburnt.
Dewey: No.
Lois: Just let go. It's gonna be dark soon.
Dewey: I can't.
Lois: Yes, you can. Just open your fingers.
Dewey: But I'll fall.
Lois: That's the point. Dewey, don't think, just do it. Just let go!
Dewey: No!
Lois: Oh, for crying out loud! [picks up rocks] You let go of that rope and you come in for dinner! [throws rocks] Come on, honey!
Dewey: No. Ow!