Francis: Look, sir-
Spangler: I have the floor. In the short time that you have been under my care, we have had our share of conflicts. In all my efforts to get through to you, I have tried every method I know how. [removes normal hook]
Francis: And besides mental and physical abuse, sir, exactly which methods would those be?
Spangler: This photo made me realize something. I used to be like you. Insolent, arrogant, cavalier.
Francis: Sir, I-
Spangler: Floor. [attaches pipe-holding hook and smokes] Now, son, you are on the precipice. Now, I am going to tell you a story about my life in the hopes of finally getting you to straighten yourself out. In the coming hours, you are going to hear things that are going to horrify you.
Francis: It sounds illuminating, sir, but I have biology.
Spangler: I've taken the liberty of canceling your next three classes. Son, do you know what a wet nurse is?

Spangler: So there we were - the ocean, my stepfather and me. As the storm raged overhead, he made one final lunge for the rudder. I ripped it from his hands and stared him down. He knew that I was prepared to kill him. I left port that day a 16-year-old boy. I returned a man.
Francis: That was an amazing story, sir. I mean, I was skeptical at first, but we do have something in common. I mean, look at the way both our mothers abandoned us.
Spangler: What are you talking about?
Francis: You know, how I was shipped off here and you were left with your wet nurse for all those years.
Spangler: That story had nothing to do with my mother. It had to do with me finally taking responsibility for my own actions.
Francis: Just sounded like she may have been a little bit distant.
Spangler: Well, that is none of your business. I swear, you are absolutely fixated on mothers.
Francis: I am not fixated.
Spangler: Can you name one thing in your life that you don't blame on your mother?
Francis: Sure. ... Ugh, I'm sorry. I was just giving an opinion.
Spangler: Well, it's that pop psychology nonsense that-
Francis: It is nothing to get defensive about.
Spangler: I am not defensive. Every time anybody denies a lie, they're called defensive.
Francis: Fine. I take it back. Your mother was a saint.
Spangler: I am not saying that at all.

Spangler: Well, you'd think I'd get bored wiping the floor with my cadets.
Francis: God knows we enjoy it, sir.
Spangler: Do you know what your problem is, cadet? Discipline. Anything worth doing is worth doing well. Whatever I do, whether it's teaching you boys or mastering tai chi, or playing pool... I focus. I push myself. But you don't commit to anything, son. You're never going to be a winner because you do everything half-assed. [fails to make shot] Oh, regrettable.
Francis: You may have spoken too soon, sir. I think you'll find I play pool with my whole ass. Eight ball, corner pocket. [sinks white ball] Damn.
Spangler: Ah, the fatal scratch. Once again, I waltz with Lady Victory. And until you focus, Francis, she is never going to be your dance partner.

Spangler: I just got a call from the sheriff that a cocksure, smart-mouthed youth looking very much like yourself has been hustling pool at the local bars.
Francis: Really, sir?
Spangler: You are in serious trouble, cadet.
Francis: I can explain-
Spangler: Why have you been holding back when we've played pool?
Francis: What?
Spangler: I want to know why you've been letting me win.
Francis: Sir, if I played for real I'd just end up humiliating you in front of the school, and and you'd, you know, torture us all for it. Really, nothing good could come from it, and and besides, winning seems to make you so happy.
Spangler: I am not a child. Do you really think me so petty that I would throw a tantrum over something so small as a game of pool?!
Francis: My mistake, sir.
Spangler: We are going to play again. And you are going to give me your best game, cadet. And to make sure of that, if you don't win... Picture yourself, 0400, awakened from sweet dreams of Mommy, sent outside into the bitter cold to raise our school colors and stand at attention for three hours until reveille is called. Now, picture that for 230 consecutive days.
Francis: But what if I try my best and I still lose?
Spangler: Then you shall be miserable indeed. Dismissed.

Francis: Sir, what are you doing?
Spangler: I think I'm losing. And gracefully, I'd like it to be noted.
Francis: But you could have made that shot.
Spangler: I could say the same thing to you. There were at least a dozen shots that you've held back on. But since you seem to be motivated more by losing, I'm going to beat you at your own game.
Francis: Huh?
Spangler: I'm going down, cadet. I'm going down hard.
Francis: But sir, these guys are going to kick my ass if I win.
Spangler: Well, that's just gravy. May the best man lose. [takes a shot] Fudge! It seems I've scratched again. Well, you seem to be on a roll, cadet.

Spangler: Please don't let me disturb you. Make yourselves at home. Wait a minute. This is not your home. This is not your mama's house. There's no maid here to clean up your toys, and, yet, as I look around this institution of learning, I see video games, I see girlie magazines. And I see Garth... Garth Vader defiling our Wall of Remembrance. [tears poster down with hook] Well, clearly things have gotten a little lax around here. I blame myself, but it is you who will suffer. From now on, there will be weekly inspections. And you will relinquish all non-standard-issue personal effects and artwork. It is time for you to learn that true happiness comes from within.
Francis: Is that why you're so happy, sir?
Spangler: I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl, Cadet.

Spangler: Francis, I'm not an idiot. Don't you think that I know Richie is a moron? Hell, he is a cancer. He is a cancer to be eradicated. If Richie's attitude spread to the other cadets, there's no telling what it would do to Marlin.
Francis: What do you mean? You're treating him like a god.
Spangler: And that makes the other cadets furious, doesn't it? It makes them want to hurt him... to hurt your little friend?
Francis: Wait a minute. You're turning us against him. You want us to get rid of Richie ourselves.
Spangler: Bravo, Cadet. You see, every threat to Marlin must be treated differently. You, Francis, had to be beaten down, like a dog. Richie is being killed with kindness... or at least pummeled into unconsciousness.

Spangler: Cadets, apparently one of you felt the compelling need to take my '37 Stutz Bearcat for a joyride in a cornfield. You may be sure the responsible party will be disciplined. Now, I know in the past I have resorted to grueling midnight hikes through leech-infested swamps or the repetitive digging and filling of ditches, et cetera, et cetera. But things have changed. Due to a recent court decision involving corporal punishment, a loophole has allowed me to unretire "Old Hickory." Mmm. He hungers for the sting of insolent flesh. [whips two flies down]

Hal: [on the phone] Yes, Commandant Spangler, this is Francis' father. I'm- I'm afraid I... lied to you. Francis is the cadet responsible for damaging your car.
Spangler: I see. Well, that puts me in somewhat of an awkward position. You see, the culprit is being disciplined as we speak.
Hal: But Francis did it. You- You're punishing the wrong cadet.
Spangler: I beg your pardon. In my 30 years at this academy I have never caned the wrong cadet.
Hal: Sir, did you say "caned"?
Spangler: No.
Hal: Sir...
Spangler: Consider the matter closed.
Hal: But, sir, you... [Spangler hangs up]
Spangler: Take five, fellas.

Spangler: No! No! No! Do you think Colonel North is going to be impressed by such a sloppy group of cadets? Now, we are going to do this and keep doing it until you get it right! All right, now, once more. With feeling. And...
Cadets: [sing] Candy Man Hey Candy Man Who can take a sunrise Who can take a sunrise Sprinkle it with dew Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two Candy Man Candy Man Oh, the Candy Man can The Candy Man can The Candy Man can 'Cause he mixes it with love And makes the world taste good Oh, oh, oh The Candy Man makes Everything he bakes Satisfying and delicious Do-do-do-do-do-do... Talk about your childhood wishes
Spangler: You can even eat the dishes. [cadets harmonize]