‘Old Mrs. Old’
Season 2, Episode 11 - Aired January 7, 2001
Malcolm injures an elderly neighbor while trying to reclaim a ball from her yard. Meanwhile, Francis's friend Richie is sent to Marlin Academy, while Dewey starts using one of Lois's purses a book bag.
Quote from Hal
Reese: Dad, you have to do something about Dewey taking Mom's purse to school.
Hal: Don't worry, son, it's just a phase.
Reese: Aren't you worried about how this reflects on you as a parent?
Hal: Reese, one boy's purse is another boy's book bag... if he's European. Besides, I can't tell you how many times I've been jealous of your mother and her purse. You know, we men have to shove our whole lives in a little square of leather that we then have to sit on. I'm not saying that I condone it, but I am saying, let Dewey have his purse. Perhaps he'll blaze a trail for the rest of us.
Quote from Spangler
Spangler: Francis, I'm not an idiot. Don't you think that I know Richie is a moron? Hell, he is a cancer. He is a cancer to be eradicated. If Richie's attitude spread to the other cadets, there's no telling what it would do to Marlin.
Francis: What do you mean? You're treating him like a god.
Spangler: And that makes the other cadets furious, doesn't it? It makes them want to hurt him... to hurt your little friend?
Francis: Wait a minute. You're turning us against him. You want us to get rid of Richie ourselves.
Spangler: Bravo, Cadet. You see, every threat to Marlin must be treated differently. You, Francis, had to be beaten down, like a dog. Richie is being killed with kindness... or at least pummeled into unconsciousness.
Quote from Spangler
Spangler: Pajamas, Cadet?
Francis: Sir, I'm sorry for my fellow cadet's appearance. He's fresh from civilian life and is taking a little time to adjust.
Richie: Hey, are you the dude who hands out the guns?
Francis: And you can see he's very anxious to assimilate himself into our military lifestyle.
Spangler: What's your name, Cadet?
Richie: Richie. Pleasure.
Spangler: Listen closely, Cadet. This is not going to be easy for you. Your family sent you here because you couldn't handle it at home. Maybe you were coddled. Well, there is no coddling here. You make a mistake and you will be punished. Be aware, Cadet, I am keeping my eye on you.
Richie: [laughs] Good one.
Richie: You're keeping your eye on me. You know, you got only one eye. [chuckles] Like Popeye. I think it's cool that you're cool with it.
Spangler: [chuckles] That's amusing. I've never heard that before. Carry on. [chuckles] Popeye. Quite amusing. [chuckles]
Richie: Is he like our butler or something?
Quote from Spangler
Francis: Oh, that is pretty clever, sir. But what makes you think I won't just tell Richie about your plan?
Spangler: Oh, feel free. But I don't think you will.
Francis: He's my best friend. Why wouldn't I tell him?
Spangler: Because you hate him, too. You're resentful of all the special privileges that he gets. The expensive dinners, the use of the Academy golf cart, the way he gets shiatsu massages when the rest of you are suffering through survival training.
Francis: That doesn't matter. Of course I would tell him. I would be a traitor if I didn't.
Spangler: You would be, wouldn't you?
Quote from Dewey
Bully #1: Hey, Percy, I love your purse.
Reese: [to himself] It's for his own good.
Dewey: It's a book bag.
Bully #2: It's a girl's purse. That makes you a girl.
Dewey: No, it doesn't.
Bully #2: Are you calling me a liar?
[Dewey swings his purse at the boy]
Bully #2 Aah!
Bully #3 : Get him!
[After Dewey knocks the rest of the guys out with the bag, the bullies run away. As Reese looks on in awe, Dewey removes a brick from the bag.]
Quote from Spangler
Francis: [enters] Sir, it's about Richie.
Spangler: Is he all right?
Francis: He's more than all right, he's in heaven. Don't you think you've been letting him slide a little?
Francis: You're letting him get away with murder.
Spangler: I certainly am.
Francis: Are you aware that he thinks he's immune to any punishment? That he can do whatever he wants?
Spangler: I am, and he can.
Francis: Sir... are you just messing with my head?
Spangler: It's not always about you, Cadet.
Quote from Reese
Reese: All right, spin around twice, hit the ball on the second bounce. It's two points for a car and three for a fire hydrant. It's an out if they catch it and two if they hit you with the ball. Now, if they miss, it's a "google," which I'll explain when we get there. You're up.
Malcolm: [to camera] It's amazing. Reese can't pass math, but he's invented over, like, 50 games. Fun games.
Quote from Lois
Lois: At least she's not suing us. You just be thankful we have absolutely nothing of value in this house.
Hal: Count your blessings, son.
Lois: I talked to Mrs. Griffin. This is what's going to happen. You are going to go there every day after school and help that poor old woman until her arm heals.
Malcolm: Every day?
Lois: Not one word! Every day. End of story.
Quote from Francis
Lois: [answers phone] Hello?
Francis: Hey, Ma, listen, did you happen to talk to Richie's mom recently?
Lois: Yeah, as a matter of fact I did. I ran into her at work the other day.
Francis: Did you happen to talk about Richie at all?
Lois: Oh, that poor woman. Do you know how much grief that boy is putting her through? I told her if she had a brain in her head, she'd pack him off to military school and straighten him out before he got into serious trouble.
Francis: Okay, thanks. Got to go. [hangs up] Well, it wasn't her.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, maybe it's a good thing that I'm doing this. I'm not saying I'm completely to blame, but in a way I am responsible. I guess I was trespassing, and I did hip-check her. And who knows, maybe she won't be that bad. Maybe she'll be like a grandma... Well, not like my grandma. Like a nice grandma.