Mr. Herkabe: Ah, the golden boy has returned. Release the doves.
Malcolm: Hi, Mr. Herkabe.
Mr. Herkabe: And you must be Reese. I have been thoroughly briefed on you, and if you do one thing wrong, I'm going to go medieval on your permanent record.
Reese: Ask yourself, whatever happened to the old dean of discipline?

Mr. Herkabe: Octathletes, I have news. One of my informers has just reported to me that the science portion of this competition will be based on organic chemistry, so break out your textbooks. We'll start with chapters 23, 24, 42, 44, 45...
Lloyd: Sir? I'm supposed to take a two-hour nap on the bus, or I'll get cranky.
Mr. Herkabe: Of course. Would you like us all to sing you a lullaby, or perhaps, I could wad up my jacket and make a pillow for you?
Lloyd: I have my own pillow, thank you. I just need some help blowing it up.
Mr. Herkabe: I've had it with this bellyaching! If any of you are not fully committed to this team, you are more than welcome to get off the bus right now. Driver, open the doors. [bus slows down] I did not say stop. I said open the doors.

Mr. Herkabe: Now, we have just enough time for one more presentation. And our friend Malcolm is going to amaze us with a fascinating update of the Milgram Experiment. [drags Malcolm's chair to the front of the class]
Malcolm: Milgram Experiment?
Mr. Herkabe: Oh, something you don't know, Malcolm. The Milgram Experiment was a lesson in the power of authority. A subject was asked by a man in a lab coat to administer an electric shock to a third party. Milgram proved that people will blindly follow an authority figure even if it means harming an innocent stranger.
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Mr. Herkabe: In our version, the stranger will be replaced by a close family member. And the electric shock will be replaced by devastating emotional trauma. Let's watch.
Reese: [on video] Yeah, I like clouds. I call them sky kittens.
Mr. Herkabe: It's troubling, isn't it? How willing someone is to sell out his own brother, knowing full well that it's exactly that kind of juicy gossip that would compel each of you to run into the quad and spread this throughout the school like wildfire.
Malcolm: Hey, that is not...
Mr. Herkabe: Malcolm, I am teaching.
Malcolm: [on video] It's called being a liar. He's my brother. And I exploited him. [repeats] A liar. He's my brother. And I exploited him. [repeats] And I exploited him.
Malcolm: You never said you were taping me.
Mr. Herkabe: I never said I was taping him.
Reese: [on video] I wish Malcolm and I will be friends forever.
Mr. Herkabe: Breathtaking, isn't it? Now, none of us can know if we would do that to a loved one just because a man in a proverbial lab coat asked us to. All we can know for certain... is that Malcolm did. Tomorrow, Katy reports on post-traumatic stress disorder in fruit flies.

Mr. Herkabe: Yesterday I was informed that all faculty members must serve as advisors to at least one of the school's many clubs and organizations. I've been assigned the North High Boosters.
Malcolm: And you're telling me because...?
Mr. Herkabe: It's coming. The Boosters are only nine members, which makes it a group. We need ten for it to be a club. And if it isn't a club, I don't get my $200 advisor fee.
Malcolm: You want me to join?
Mr. Herkabe: I love it when a victim fully grasps the horror. You have proved a worthy patsy.
Malcolm: I don't want to be in your stupid club.
Mr. Herkabe: It's not a club until you've joined. Keep up.
Malcolm: Okay, what's the blackmail?
Mr. Herkabe: [sighs] Why must you rush these things? As Vice Principal, I write the college recommendations. I've written two for you. One has your complete academic record. The other has your complete academic record and a short paragraph about your personality.
Malcolm: That's not fair!
Mr. Herkabe: The meeting starts at 3:15 tomorrow. Come early if you want spirit cookies.

Mr. Herkabe: You don't pay mileage, I had to park in the structure, and you call this a gift bag? I saw two judges with the mini-lipstick set and the lemon scented moisturizer.
Malcolm: Mr. Herkabe, what are you doing here?
Mr. Herkabe: I happen to be one of the judges. What, may I ask, are you doing here?
Malcolm: You know, curiosity. It's kind of a sociologically interesting-
Mr. Herkabe: My God, your mother's in the pageant.
Malcolm: Well, technically.
Mr. Herkabe: Hmm. And I happen to have certain powers that might influence that outcome. Isn't that interesting?
Malcolm: What?
Mr. Herkabe: I just think that's really interesting. Don't you find it interesting?
Malcolm: Yeah, I guess I'm gonna have to.
Woman: I'm sorry, sir. They were out of the moisturizer, but I found these.
Mr. Herkabe: Fine. I'll take the smoked almonds, the loofah glove- Oh, just give me the whole box.

Reese: I don't know. I can't think any more. Is it... "C"?
Mr. Herkabe: I'm sorry, Reese. That's incorrect. Hammy? [the hamster presses a button marked A] Yes! Fort Ticonderoga is correct. I was looking for a close race, but, Hammy, you've really run away with this thing. [bell rings] I'm sorry, that's all the time we have today, but join us again tomorrow for another exciting installment of "What Is Dumber Than Reese?"

Malcolm: You're nothing but a bully and a sadist, you know that?! How could you possibly take any satisfaction in humiliating Reese?! It's Reese! You have to stop this, now!
Mr. Herkabe: Well, well, well, that took you long enough.
Malcolm: What?
Mr. Herkabe: I've been trying to get your attention since the semester began. I'm surprised you didn't say something last week, when Reese was curled up in a fetal ball under my desk.
Malcolm: What do you want from me?
Mr. Herkabe: Come with me.

Mr. Herkabe: And now, you are on track to take it from me.
Malcolm: What's your point?
Mr. Herkabe: I can't let that happen. And if you don't want to see me destroy your brother every day for the rest of the year, you won't let it happen.
Malcolm: Are you serious?
Mr. Herkabe: As a heart attack. Now, I can't just give you a "B." People are watching. For some reason, I rub people the wrong way. But that doesn't stop you from tanking the course on your own.
Malcolm: Are you really that shallow and petty?
Mr. Herkabe: You have no idea. [bell rings] So, you know, take a few days, think it over. It'll give me more time to think up some challenges for Reese. Do you think hot coals would set off the sprinkler system?

Mr. Herkabe: Buck up, Malcolm. Only 12 more weeks, and then I'll back off and let you pick the course you want to tank.
Malcolm: Hey, we're not in your stupid class anymore, all right? Will you just leave me alone?
Mr. Herkabe: Oh, a sullen rebuke. What a bonus. You know, I might make them get me a bigger plaque when I beat you, Malcolm. Ugh! How can they let it get so dingy? [to the janitor] Hey, Slick! Instead of pushing dust around over there, why don't you polish up these trophies? It's disgraceful. [to Malcolm] You know, I'll admit, it wasn't easy beating old Fornby. Of course she had the added advantage of being blind and club-footed, no distractions, but still, I had to bust my hump that last semester. Did you know, instead of seventh period gym, I created my own AP class? While those Cro-Magnons were chasing balls and sweating like swine, I was sitting in an air-conditioned room with my tie unloosed, discussing Renaissance poetry.
Malcolm: You wore a suit to school?
Mr. Herkabe: And a silk handkerchief. They hated me because I made them look ridiculous.

Malcolm: Thought it over.
Mr. Herkabe: What happened to your lip?
Malcolm: Reese.
Mr. Herkabe: He's a troubled young man. God knows I've tried my best with him, but you can't let that fact poison...
Malcolm: Relax, I'm gonna do it.
Mr. Herkabe: You will?
Malcolm: Reese can't help who he is. And you can't help being a jerk. I'm the only one who has a choice over what I do. So, yeah, I'll take your sick little deal so you can keep your pathetic, meaningless plaque.
Mr. Herkabe: Thank you, Malcolm. I know that you think that this compromised victory will taste like ashes in my mouth, but there's something I learned a long time ago. Ashes don't taste that bad.