Mr. Herkabe: Malcolm! I need a favor.
Malcolm: I already did you a favor with Darlene.
Mr. Herkabe: Which worked out spectacularly. And athletically. And repeatedly.
Malcolm: What else do you want?
Mr. Herkabe: I need you to break up with her.
Malcolm: What?
Mr. Herkabe: Well, she's gotten so clingy and dependent. She's suffocating me. Feel free to judge me, but remember who's judging your mother. Give her this note. At first I toyed with the idea of lying to her, but then I decided to tell her honestly I find her repellent. It's better to be classy.

Mr. Herkabe: You can't do this. Just because I missed one stupid gym class! [Janitor rips Herkabe's name off the plaque]
Mr. Hodges: It is a dark day for North High, but given recent information that has come to our attention regarding the previous GPA record holder and his failure to meet the physical education requirement, I have no choice. I take no pleasure... [smiles for photograph]... in the pain this unfortunate incident has caused, but rules are rules. So, I am directing that this plaque be returned to Edna Fornby, who though blind and crippled, managed to pass gym. [Mr. Herkabe shoves the photographer]
Malcolm: Tough break, Mr. Herkabe.
Mr. Herkabe: I know it was you, Malcolm. And I wouldn't be so quick to gloat. I'm not defeated yet. I'm like Napoleon at St. Helena, plotting my return.
Malcolm: You mean Elba. He died on St. Helena.
Mr. Herkabe: Oh, shut up! I have to call Mother before she hears it from someone else.

Malcolm: What are you doing here?
Mr. Herkabe: Reclaiming what is rightfully mine. Once I complete this course, they'll be forced to reinstate me.
Malcolm: You can't take a class 20 years later.
Mr. Herkabe: Who is being petty, now, Malcolm? No, no, no. You will soon discover what my cable guy learned the hard way... you can't defeat Lionel Herkabe. You see, Malcolm- [Herkabe is knocked down by a ball thrown by Reese]
Reese: Hey, Mr. Herkabe. How do you like dodge ball?
Mr. Herkabe: Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! [Herkabe groans as Reese throws another ball at him] You are just making yourself look weak and foolish!
Reese: I might stop hitting you if you dance like a monkey.
Mr. Herkabe: Like like this?
Reese: You call that a monkey dance? [knocks Herkabe down with another ball]
Malcolm: [to camera] Some things you don't do for trophies. You treasure them here where it counts the most.
Mr. Herkabe: You think that hurt? That didn't hurt. [Reese throws another ball] Oh, God, make it stop!
Malcolm: No one can take that away. [Herkabe groans]

Mr. Herkabe: What are you doing?
Hal: Mopping. In five minutes, I will have my two hours, and that will discharge my obligation to the volunteer program.
Mr. Herkabe: Oh, no, it does not, because you have been expelled.
Hal: All I know is I've been mopping! And this floor looks pretty darn clean to me.
Mr. Herkabe: But that was unauthorized mopping.
Hal: It is spotless, and maybe we should just see whether the principal thinks it's a job well done.
Mr. Herkabe: It's not even clean. [flicks soil onto the floor]
Hal: Don't you dare!

Mr. Herkabe: I'd just like to say in my defense... he started it.

Malcolm: Mr. Herkabe, you still haven't given me my term project. I've been asking you every day for a month.
Mr. Herkabe: Malcolm, you make it sound like I'm trying to sabotage your impeccable grade-point average.
Malcolm: Please just give me something so I can get started.
Mr. Herkabe: All right, tell you what. Why don't you come by my office at lunch and I'll give you your assignment.
Malcolm: Your office?
Mr. Herkabe: Why is everybody so afraid of my office?

Mr. Herkabe: I would like to officially welcome my young friend Malcolm to the North High Booster Club. It's a very rewarding day for all of us, who care so much about... Whatever it is you do.