Lois: Reese, how many times have I told you? No ice cream in the living room. You're dripping all over the rug! [Reese throws his ice cream on the floor] Are you crazy?!
Reese: No, just extremely disrespectful. I mean, what are you going to do with a kid like me? Ground me?
Lois: You bet I am. One week in your room. No TV, no video games, no contact with the outside world. After you take Alison to the dance.
Reese: What?!
Lois: Reese, you made a promise to that girl and you are going to keep it.
Reese: But how did you-?
Lois: Look, Reese, some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.

Reese: Isn't she cute when she gets excited? Her cheeks get all red, and then she gets a little twinkle in her eye. I've got to tell you, I'm a lucky guy.
Malcolm: So you're really going to spring for a limo and tux and all that?
Reese: Hell, no. We're not going to that dance. It would practically wipe out my leather jacket fund.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Reese: I've got it all worked out. I let her think we're going, and then right before the dance, I pick a giant fight. She gets so mad at me, she doesn't want to go, and then the next day, I apologize, she takes me back, and it's smooth sailing until her birthday.

Mr. Herkabe: Octathletes, I have news. One of my informers has just reported to me that the science portion of this competition will be based on organic chemistry, so break out your textbooks. We'll start with chapters 23, 24, 42, 44, 45...
Lloyd: Sir? I'm supposed to take a two-hour nap on the bus, or I'll get cranky.
Mr. Herkabe: Of course. Would you like us all to sing you a lullaby, or perhaps, I could wad up my jacket and make a pillow for you?
Lloyd: I have my own pillow, thank you. I just need some help blowing it up.
Mr. Herkabe: I've had it with this bellyaching! If any of you are not fully committed to this team, you are more than welcome to get off the bus right now. Driver, open the doors. [bus slows down] I did not say stop. I said open the doors.

Lois: I cannot wait until I am old and senile. I'm going to be hooked up to life support in your attic running you ragged with crazy old person demands. I am going to cling to life for years just to make you suffer.
Malcolm: Fine. But I'm not staying here.

[ant's P.O.V.:]
Dewey: Good night, Dad.
Hal: Dewey, I-I know it's just an expression, and I'm a mature person, so if you don't want to say it, you don't have to say it.
Dewey: Thanks for understanding.
Hal: Well, I love you! But guess what? [to ants] I don't love you! And you! And I don't love you or you or you! And I especially don't love you! And you love! Don't try to get away! [sprays bug spray] [coughs] If you just love I-I hate [coughing] [weakly] Oh, no.
Dewey: [returns] Dad, we need more toothpaste. Dad? Dad, wake up! Get out of there! Dad! [drags Hal away from the cabinet] Dad! Get up! Get up, please! Don't die, Dad. I love you! [Hal coughs] I love you, Dad!
Hal: [gasps] Are they dead? Am I dead? Well, I- I- I passed out. I- How did you pull me all the way over here?
Dewey: I guess 'cause I'm bigger.
Hal: [laughs] Oh, good. Thank you, son. You saved my life. I love you.
Dewey: I love you, Dad.
[Dewey squishes the ant]

[ant's P.O.V.:]
Dewey: Does this chip look funny to you?
Hal: Nope. It's fine.
Dewey: Ha, ha. You took the last one. You have to refill it.
Hal: Oh, darn it. [Dewey laughs] Oh, great. It's an ant.
Dewey: I know. I saw him before.
Hal: No, Dewey, you don't understand. This one's the scout. If he finds anything appetizing, soon there'll be lots and lots of ants. Which is why I'm about to make sure that this scout doesn't report back to headquarters.
Lois: [o.s.] Dewey, bedtime!
Dewey: Ready, Dad? Bedtime express.
Hal: Oh, yeah. Just give me a second here to...
Dewey: Hidey-ho!
Hal: Oh!
Dewey: And away we go! Giddy-up, Dad! [Hal whinnies] Turn, horsey, turn!

Mr. Herkabe: Malcolm! Where have you been? I called an emergency study session.
Malcolm: What? We just had an emergency study session last night.
Mr. Herkabe: This is the Academic Octathlon. We are pitted against the brightest minds from every high school in the country. From now on, we will work through lunch every day.
Malcolm: I thought this was supposed to be fun.
Stevie: Fun... is for losers.
Kevin: We're all making sacrifices, Malcolm. I've had to blow off my cello lessons.
Lloyd: I missed my uncle's funeral.
Dabney: I've been tanking my grades for the past three months so I could be our team's mandatory "C" student.
Mr. Herkabe: [grunts loudly] That food is not there for you to eat, it is there so I don't get into trouble for making you work through lunch. Now focus!

Malcolm: Why can't I quit? This is stupid!
Lois: Extracurriculars are very important. You think you can coast into college on straight A's? Well, you can't. Besides, this is a good opportunity to meet other smart kids. You're never too young to start making contacts.
Malcolm: Yeah, make friends for life at a nerdfest.
Lois: It's not nerdy to spend a weekend winning a trophy that shows how smart you are! Well, you're doing it anyway.

[ant's P.O.V.:]
Hal: Oh, geez, not the cabinets, too. Honey, where did I put the ant spray?
Dewey: Hey, Dad, time for bedtime express.
Hal: Uh, yeah. Dewey, look, I- I want to talk to you. Uh, you're getting bigger, And- And there's a lot of great things about being a big boy, but big boys don't get to do bedtime express, because it hurts Daddy, so even though it's fun, we're not going to do bedtime express anymore.
Dewey: Okay.
Hal: Oh, good.
Dewey: Then I won't love you anymore.
Hal: What?
Dewey: I won't love you anymore.
Hal: Dewey, you can't just say something like that because you're upset.
Dewey: I'm sorry, but I can't help the way I feel. Good night, Dad.

Francis: I am having the best time with Piama today. It's like every moment was perfect, and-and seemed to blend perfectly Into the next perfect moment.
Otto: I have had 25 years of days like that with my Gretchen.
Gretchen: I heard that, schminky pants. [blows a kiss]
Otto: I will save this for later. [laughs]
Francis: See, when marriage works, there is nothing like it. Now let me ask you something. You and Gretchen... You never argue about chores, right? Like, if there's an errand to be run, you do it, she does it, who cares?
Otto: I never really thought about it.
[cut to:]
Otto: I am sick and tired of doing all of these chores!
Gretchen: Ooh!
Otto: I work hard all day!
Gretchen: I work like a dog, and you don't appreciate it! You just spend money on whatever you want!
Otto: I spend?! You spend money like we have a key to the mint or someplace!