Lois: I don't see you looking in the want ads.
Reese: You know, I had a job, Mom, and looking back on the whole experience, I've come to the conclusion that it's just not for me. I'm done with the job thing.
Lois: I'm sorry, Reese, but not working isn't one of your options.
Reese: Okay, I think I know what's going on here. Now, look, I want you to know that I'm not criticizing you and Dad. You obviously don't mind wasting your lives doing meaningless, repetitive tasks for unappreciative bosses. I respect that.
Lois: Do you mind telling me what you intend to do?
Reese: I'd like to finish my cereal.
Lois: All right, Reese, that's it! I am tired of fighting you on this. Until you get a job, this free ride is over. [exits]
Reese: Is anyone else getting a little tired of her?

Malcolm: I did it! I told Vicki it was over. And it felt so good.
Jessica: Wow, that's great, Malcolm. To be honest, I didn't think you had the strength to do it.
Malcolm: So that's it. Now we're free to be together.
Jessica: Yeah. You know, there's just one problem. I don't feel that way about you, Malcolm.
Malcolm: What? But what about what you said?
Jessica: Yeah, I lied about that. I just couldn't stand to see someone make a fool of you. Someone besides me, that is.
Malcolm: But- Great. I just blew off Vicki, and now I'm left standing here looking like a complete idiot.
Jessica: But you recognize it. See, you're getting better already.
Malcolm: You're so sure of yourself, aren't you? Well, the truth is, I didn't need you. I could've figured this out on my own.
Jessica: Yeah, sometime after your secret marriage and three secret kids.
Malcolm: Shut up.
Jessica: Look, Malcolm, I'm on your side. I mean, do you really think I just hang out with you out of pity? You're an amazing complicated guy who's always surprising me. I mean, who knows where things could go between us. [kisses Malcolm] Yeah, nothing. Good night, Malcolm.

Reese: I had the weirdest dream last night. This crazy witch with snakes for hair was screaming at me. It was like she was going to kill me, but for some reason it was really important to her that I get a job.
Malcolm: Did she have bugged out crazy eyes?
Reese: Yeah!
Malcolm: She shows up in a lot of my dreams.
Lois: [enters] Good morning, Reese. You going to get a job today?
Reese: Okay, this is a little freaky.

Malcolm: Here, I brought one for you.
Reese: Thanks. [takes soda can] And now I'll take yours because you obviously shook mine up. Wait a minute. You wanted me to do that. [swaps cans] Of course, you had to have known I was going to know that. [swaps cans] Unless you didn't think I was smart enough, but I'm smarter than... You know what? I'm not smart enough to figure it out. So what? Big deal.
[Reese puts the can down on the table, walks over to the fridge and opens a can. He screams as the soda foam sprays at him.]
Malcolm: [to camera] I'm not sure if I have the gift or he does.

Lois: Oh, for God's sake!
Hal: What is it?
Lois: A notice for Reese to sign up for Career Day which was last Wednesday. He completely blew it off. What are we going to do with him, Hal? He shows absolutely no interest in his future.
Hal: Sorry, honey, I thought you had given up on him, too.
Lois: He doesn't go to school, he doesn't work. He's 18 years old, and he's still Reese. That is not acceptable.
Hal: Eh, what are you going to do?

Dewey: Dad, I did it. I went to the Putt-Putt Palace and I beat your best golf score.
Hal: Good for you, Dewey. Hey, let's have a look. [chuckles] Four in The Witch's Den. Got caught in the swamp, huh? That's why I always take a pitching wedge.
Dewey: Yeah, but then I birdied Three Little Pigs and Pirate's Cove.
Hal: Fantastic. Of course, there was an unusually high pollen count when I got my top score, so who knows what it could have been? But that doesn't take anything away from this. It is quite an achievement, son. Hey, a hole-in-one on the 18th? You got a free game!
Dewey: Actually, the ball got stuck in the hole in the clown's mouth. So the guy said I didn't qualify.
Hal: What? Everyone knows you ace the 18th hole, you win a free game! It's a sacred pact! You throw that out, next thing you know you're going to have a man marrying a horse down at City Hall. Which guy was he?
Dewey: I don't know. Really tall, kind of heavy.
Hal: Oh, I know him. I was two tickets short of a giant comb and he wouldn't budge. Ended up with a troll keychain that went bald inside a week. So what'd you do about it?
Dewey: It's no big deal, Dad.
Hal: You let people take advantage of you?
Dewey: But I got my best score ever.
Hal: Son, I look at this card and all I see is shame.

[dream sequence:]
Hal: Here we go, honey. Now, I know it's against doctor's orders, but I did get us a little something sweet.
Lois: Okay, Hal, but you be careful with your new bridgework.
Hal: Uh-huh. Oh, would you look at that? Little Robby was such a cute baby.
Lois: Oh, that reminds me. Malcolm called while you were out. It seems Robby has burned down the neighbor's pool house. Malcolm says he's at his wit's end with that boy. [both laugh]
Reese: [enters] Are you ready for this? I got an "F" on my math final.
Lois: Oh, no, Reese, I thought you said you studied.
Reese: Why do I even waste my time?! You know Mr. Escobar totally has it out for me 'cause I used to call his dad "Braceface."
Hal: But you are going to pass this time, right, son?
Reese: Do I look like a genie?! I can't predict the future! So why don't you just do me a favor and get off my back, okay, old man!
Lois: You can't treat your father like that!
Reese: Shove a cork in it, you crazy old hag!
Lois: My heart pills.
Reese: You'll get these when I get a sandwich. Off your wrinkled butt! Go, go, go!
[Lois wakes up and storms into the boys' room:]
Lois: Reese, you may think you're pulling some kind of scam, but I'm on to you! You are getting a job starting tomorrow! And keep your dirty mitts off your father's toupee!

Lois: Smells like a dead squirrel's in the wall again, Hal- Oh, my God, it's you. Reese, you smell like an open sewer.
Reese: And whose fault is that?
Lois: Yours. All you have to do to stop this nonsense is get a job.
Reese: Excuse me, but I think I've made it pretty clear where I stand on that issue.
Lois: Well, you can't stay here like this.
Reese: Is that an apology?
Lois: No, it's an invitation to live in the backyard.
Reese: Listen to yourself! You don't even sound the least bit guilty.
Lois: I've given you enough chances. Out!
Reese: Okay, but if the cats start disappearing from the neighborhood, don't blame me!

Malcolm: [on the phone] Look, Vicki... I know, I know, but It's a school dance, so my being there shouldn't be an issue. No, no, I know. Of course it'll fool everybody. But I just think it's kind of weird that you got me a date. I don't even like Cindy that much and, you know, I want to be with- [Jessica grabs the phone and hangs up] What'd you do that for?
Jessica: Consider this an intervention, Malcolm. I'm declaring you incompetent to run your own love life.
Malcolm: What are you talking about? Vicki and I have this incredible relationship. There are worlds inside that I have yet to discover. And I know she feels the same way about me.
Jessica: Really? Is that why she threw a soda can at you?
Malcolm: That was my fault. I wasn't supposed to be in the quad.
Jessica: Malcolm, you deserve better. I mean, there are lots of girls who'd be proud to actually be seen with you in public.
Malcolm: Oh, really? Like who?
Jessica: Like me.
Malcolm: What? But... But all we do is fight all the time.
Jessica: Figure it out, genius.

[dream sequence:]
Lois: Reese! Reese! Get in here, do you hear me?! What's the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's time for my sponge bath. You think these stomach folds are going to scrape themselves out?
[After Reese wakes up screaming, he goes into Lois's bedroom:]
Reese: I'm going to get a job. I'm going to have a life of my own away from here. And just in case I don't, you can clean out your own damn stomach folds!