Jessica: [enters] So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning. We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks and they still haven't carted him off yet.
Reese: No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here every day like you own the place! Go back outside and knock. And then go away!
Jessica: Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants, rolling burning trash cans into the street.
Malcolm: [to camera] The sad thing is, we're still the worst family on this block.

Malcolm: I'm going to tell my mom how I can't beat people's expectations on my science test.
Jessica: Are you a complete moron?
Malcolm: What?
Jessica: [scoffs] Amateurs. You are not trying to manipulate a guy here, Malcolm. You have to use your brain.
Malcolm: But it worked great last time.
Jessica: Which is why you can never use it again. Especially with your mom's radar. Come on, sit down, listen to me. You got lucky the first time. But if you want to pull this off, getting the car two nights in a row, you have to be very, very good.
Malcolm: Why can't I just-
Jessica: Hey! Do you want to ride Jamie's Big Wheel to the party? I am telling you, you have to share some real fear or feeling of inadequacy. If you are not totally honest, she will see right through your scam.

Jessica: Oh, hi, Malcolm. Listen, I need you to make a salad and set the table.
Malcolm: Oh, that's interesting. I need you to do it yourself because I'm going to a movie.
Jessica: On a school night? You really think Hal would want you to?
Malcolm: Well, he's not here, so if I want to go to a movie, I'll go to a movie.
Jessica: You know, Malcolm, I think Hal looks to you-
Malcolm: Stop calling him Hal. Look, don't think you can control me the way you can these two.
Jessica: What are you talking about?

Jessica: I need your calculus notes. I couldn't listen to a word Mr. Jacobson was saying in that stupid golf shirt. How can a man have nipples that big? [off Malcolm's look] What?
Malcolm: You can hang out here if you need to get away from your dad, but don't act like we're friends, okay?
Jessica: Why are you mad at me?
Malcolm: Because I stick up for you all the time. And you turn around and manipulate my mom into doing something only you want to do.
Jessica: Wait. You're talking about the show?
Malcolm: Let me explain something to you, Jessica. My family doesn't have fun. We aren't nice. And the one time my mom actually does do something nice, you hijack it for your own-
Jessica: I didn't do it for me, I did it for Reese.

Malcolm: What does Reese have to do with it?
Jessica: You know what he has to do with it.
Malcolm: No, I don't.
Jessica: Please tell me you're kidding.
Malcolm: About what?
Jessica: Oh, my God. You honestly don't know. You are actually so self-involved and narcissistic that you can't even see it.
Malcolm: See what?
Jessica: You know what, Malcolm? Why don't you try to go for maybe two seconds without thinking about yourself and see what you notice?
Malcolm: Stop insulting me. What the hell are you talking about?

Jessica: That was genius.
Malcolm: Jessica? You were there the whole time?
Jessica: Seriously, that was awesome. What are you going for?
Malcolm: What? Nothing.
Jessica: Malcolm, it's me. What are you after? I mean you've got her opening up to you. Forget about the car. With that level of intimacy, I'd shoot for a laptop.
Malcolm: We were just talking about things we felt.
Jessica: Wow, Malcolm, that's really... pathetic.
Malcolm: Shut up.

Jessica: Listen, Monday I need you to get your mom out of the house for a couple of hours after school. Take her to a chick flick or something. You should enjoy that.
Malcolm: What for?
Jessica: My boyfriend's coming over, and I'd like to have the house to ourselves, if you know what I mean.
Malcolm: What?!
Jessica: Oh, good, you do know what I mean. I wasn't sure with that whole chasm of loneliness crap.
Malcolm: You can't hook up in my house. I've never hooked up in my house.
Jessica: Okay, Malcolm, it's your decision. I'm just a little worried how your mom might react when she finds out that the only reason you've been opening up to her is to get her car.
Malcolm: That's not even true anymore. Anyway, you'd look just as bad.
Jessica: Malcolm, my dad's in jail, and I live on a couch. Looking bad isn't really a big motivator for me. Now, you owe me.
Malcolm: You'd really do it, wouldn't you?
Jessica: Knowing me... Yeah.
Malcolm: Fine, but I can't believe you're being like this. I thought you were helping me because you were my friend.
Jessica: Yeah, Malcolm? Save the girl talk for your mom.

Malcolm: [on the phone] Look, Vicki... I know, I know, but It's a school dance, so my being there shouldn't be an issue. No, no, I know. Of course it'll fool everybody. But I just think it's kind of weird that you got me a date. I don't even like Cindy that much and, you know, I want to be with- [Jessica grabs the phone and hangs up] What'd you do that for?
Jessica: Consider this an intervention, Malcolm. I'm declaring you incompetent to run your own love life.
Malcolm: What are you talking about? Vicki and I have this incredible relationship. There are worlds inside that I have yet to discover. And I know she feels the same way about me.
Jessica: Really? Is that why she threw a soda can at you?
Malcolm: That was my fault. I wasn't supposed to be in the quad.
Jessica: Malcolm, you deserve better. I mean, there are lots of girls who'd be proud to actually be seen with you in public.
Malcolm: Oh, really? Like who?
Jessica: Like me.
Malcolm: What? But... But all we do is fight all the time.
Jessica: Figure it out, genius.

[Malcolm walks into the bathroom and finds Jessica shaving her arm pits]
Malcolm: Oh, sorry. I didn't- Sorry.
Jessica: It's no big deal, Malcolm. You know, one day you will be old enough to shave. Go.
Malcolm: Oh. Yeah, okay. [to camera] That's Jessica, our neighbor. Mom and Dad are letting her sleep on our couch for a week until her father's arraigned. Seems he got drunk Friday night, decided to track down her mom and tried to drive a street-sweeper to Mexico. She has some family issues.

Jessica: Oh, great. I have Larry Neff as a lab partner; the groper. The experiment's going to be hard enough as it is without my lab partner trying to honk my boobs every five minutes.
Malcolm: You think you've got it bad? I got stuck with Vicki Jarret.
Vicki: [to a group of boys] Brad, not again! You're hilarious!
Malcolm: Okay, so she's totally hot. But I'm going to end up doing all the work by myself, which would be fine, but then she'll ask me to explain it. And then she'll just have to cry because the little bulb on top of her spine that she calls a brain will start to hurt, and then I'll end up looking like a jerk.
Jessica: Oh, come on, Malcolm. Give her a chance. Hey, maybe you two can come up with a new formula for lip gloss.