Mr. Li: Ah, my love. I almost forgot. My grandmother wore this very necklace on her wedding day. It's called Shuang Hsi, the Chinese symbol for double happiness.
Ida: White people aren't impressed with this junk. You're not supposed to see me before the wedding. Go back to your room before someone mistakes you for a waiter!
Mr. Li: Whatever my bride wants. I'll see you in a little while.

Ida: Stealing an old woman's purse. I should have you all arrested.
Lois: Us? We know what you're doing to that poor Mr. Li. My God, I thought you were an evil, conniving monster before, but this, Mother, this is beyond the pale!
Hal: He's a human being, and you're drugging him!
Ida: It's called seduction. It's no different from wearing perfume or padding your bra with potatoes. What girl doesn't look for a little edge?
Malcolm: You are out of your mind! Either you march up to his room and tell him this wedding is off or we're calling the police!
Ida: All right, I'm going. Split the take?
Lois: Mom, go!

Mr. Li: Who the hell are you?
Ida: Oh, darling, don't be silly. Get the rings!
Mr. Li: Wait, I know you. You're that horrible woman at my table who kept spitting at the busboys.
Ida: Oh, no, no. That was someone else.
Mr. Li: No, it was you!
Ida: My little honey lamb.
Mr. Li: Let me go!
Ida: Hoochie-coochie.
Mr. Li: Ow! Ooh! Ooh! You take your... take your hands off of me!
Ida: You can't leave me now! I'm pregnant! Oh! Why, why?! Why can't I ever be happy?!

Lois: Mother, what are you doing here?!
Ida: "Oh, Mommy, I'd love you to come to my baby's party." Do you think I was born yesterday? I could spot lies coming out of your mouth since before it had teeth in it.
Malcolm: Lock the door.
Ida: [enters] Ha!
Roberta: Oh, my God, Mother, she's inside! Lock yourself in the den. I'll call the police.

Ida: [removes picture] How did you get in here? Nobody liked looking at you when you were alive.

Ida: Okay, Rockefeller, it's lotion time. Cut your nails.

Lois: [on the phone] Mom? Finally! Where have you been? I've been calling for weeks. I must have left ten messages. What on Earth is going on up there?
Ida: I'm busy. Gorga, Ludwina and Marica need me to help make pickles for the festival.
Lois: Mom, what are you talking about? Gorga? Marica?
Ida: Marica's Ludwina's cousin. She married the sailor with the milky eye. And she knows the curse to give you warts.
Lois: You're not making any sense.
Ida: I have to go. They're calling me.

Lois: Well, I don't know what to say. I planned on two days to get you into an old folks home, two days to fight the court challenge, then I'd fly back on Sunday. Now I'm stuck here. It's $300 just to change my ticket.
Ida: Good. You'll be here for the festival Saturday.
Lois: What festival? [Ida's friends chatter]
Ida: You stop it. You know it's Saint Grotus's Day.
Lois: Oh, my God. Saint Grotus's Day? That's still around?
Ida: It is.
Marica: And we haven't turned our church into a Burger King either.
Ida: She's being modest. She was a terrific Grotus Day dancer. Made your children look like poisoned sheep. Best girl between the vlatnis in 15 counties!
Lois: Not the vlatnis. God, I hated that awful vlatny dance.
Ida: You loved it. She begged to go.
Lois: She dragged me seven blocks by my pigtails to some stinking butcher shop full of drunk uncles. I couldn't even see my feet through the flies and the cigarette smoke. When I was 16, I worked up the nerve to tell her I wanted to quit. She fed me nothing but bark for a week.
Ida: It's her stupid idea of a joke. [to Lois] You're not around fancy big-shots with all their teeth, sipping wine. These are real people. You will not embarrass me in front of my friends by spitting on who you are and where you come from.

Lois: Oh. Boshnik bread. I haven't had this in years.
Gorga: Does it work or just cram its face with bread?
Ida: She works. And not on her back like your slut daughter.
Marica: Can she make a Saint Grotus's Day tart?
Ida: I'd have left her in the forest with her hand nailed to a stump if she didn't. You will make the tart this year.
Lois: The tart? By myself? That thing is gigantic.
Big Kathy: Yes, let Ida's daughter rest.
Gorga: The old ladies with arthritis can make the Saint his tart.
Marica: Ida's daughter can sit on her gigantic ass all day and eat bread.
Big Kathy: Jelly, dear?
Lois: Fine. I'm here for five days. I was expecting to be miserable anyway. I'll make the tart.

Lois: This makes up for everything.
Ida: Is that supposed to impress me?
Lois: Mother, I swear to God I almost quit twice between the first and the second corset. I'm this close to-
Ida: All right. You want to dance. We dance. [lifts up leg]
Lois: What are you doing?
Ida: I'm not dancing in this thing. It just gets in the way. [hops]