Ida: These are sex organs of four different animals.
Reese: And a little oregano.
Ida: Reese, I've watched you grow all these years. You are the one hope for this family. I just pray you are ready to become a man. [slaps Reese]
Reese: Hey, what was that for?
Ida: You are ready.

Ida: And once you are a man, you shall get this.
Reese: The whole plate of potatoes?
Ida: You will take Raduca for your bride.
Reese: You mean... Like I marry her? Now?
Ida: That is why I brought Raduca to this country.
Malcolm: You brought her here six months ago. She's been working as your slave.
Ida: I should get something for my trouble.
Malcolm: Grandma, you can't take two teenagers who've never met each other and force them into some sham marriage. That's not the way things work in civilized countries.
Reese: If I get a wife, does that mean I get to have sex?
Ida: So much sex you won't believe it. [Raduca nods]
Reese: I'm in.

Ida: Two boys enter, one man emerges. You must beat him at every contest or there will be no bride for you.
Reese: I really appreciate you doing this for me.
Malcolm: Listen, moron, I'm not doing this to help you get married. I'm gonna try to win to keep you from flushing your life down the toilet.
Ida: We begin with the Trial of Pain. Raduca, the strings.
[Raduca whimpers as Ida takes a piece of string and ties one end to Reese's ear and the other to Malcolm's]
Ida: This trial teaches an important lesson. Until you can ignore your own pain, you cannot truly ignore the pain of others. The first one to take two steps backwards is the victor.
Reese: I don't get why this is supposed to hurt so much.
Ida: Go. [Reese and Malcolm scream]
Malcolm: [to camera] I didn't think anything above my waist could be so sensitive.
Reese: Why don't you want me to be happy?!
Malcolm: I'm only doing this because I love you!
Reese: Must take mind off ear pain! [pokes eye and steps back]
Ida: The victor!
Reese: [with bloodshot eye and bloody ear] That was so easy!

Ida: You are now one step closer to your manhood. The next trial takes place within the Sack of Fellowship. Once inside the sack you will face a choice: To work together or to fight each other. If you work together, you'll both lose.
Reese: So now what happens?
Malcolm: I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out why there's a dog in here.
Reese: Grandma, what are we supposed to do?
Ida: Just get out.
Reese: That's it?
Ida: That's it. [drops a cat into the sack and closes it]