Lois: Call when you get home, Mom.
Dewey: We'll miss you.
Ida: Even the little one lies.

Lois: Just use your tongue as leverage.
Ida: Enough! I had better food in refugee camp.

Ida: Pass the rolls. [Francis squishes a roll and licks it] You think that bothers me? [eats] Guess why your soup tasted different when you came back from bathroom.
Francis: Ugh.

Lois: [whispers] Francis, you have to listen very carefully. I'm having a contraction. I'm going into labor.
Francis: What?
Lois: I have to get to the hospital, and you have got to get your grandmother out of here now.
Piama: Come on, Ida. Let me help you.
Ida: Don't you have rain dance to do?
Lois: Bye, Mom. Great to see you. Have a safe trip. Don't forget to call us whenever you get to wherever... [water splashes on floor] [all gasp]
Ida: Maybe I'll stay few more minutes.

Abe: The contraction started at 3:27.
Ida: Oh, this one can tell time.

Ida: Do you know those animals are in your backyard right now pacing back and forth like it's Africa? When this is my room, they don't come within 20 feet of the door.

Lois: Well, I'll see if I can find her. Mother! Telephone!
Ida: Is the border station going to return my rifle? [takes phone] Hello? Yes? Oh, I'm glad to hear you say that. No, I'm fine. I'm here with you-know-who, and she's doing you-know-what. Again. Yeah. [laughs]

Trey: If the head is completely crowning, it's okay to push. [Lois moans]
Ida: If anyone calls, I'll be at your sister's. [Lois moans] No, don't worry. I'll let myself out.

Ida: Drink your tea. You hate it when it gets cold.
Mr. Li: Oh, darling, you have something in your hair.
Ida: What?
Mr. Li: Under your wig.
Ida: What are you doing?! Get out of there!
Mr. Li: What is this? A list of my bank accounts... and the amounts in them.
Ida: I had to know what I was getting into.
Mr. Li: Wise as well as beautiful. If we are going to get married, it is only fair you know how much money I have.
Ida: If you're done tearing at me like a hyena, I have to go fix myself.

Ida: [to Malcolm] Put on your makeup somewhere else, Nancy!