Lois: [answers phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Mom.
Ida: I lost the case. They said I was never legally married to Victor because there were no documents. Oh, that judge had guts after what I mailed him.
Lois: That's very sad, Mom.
Ida: Not married! Victor came to my house and defeated each of my brothers in combat. The proof was the bite marks on his back!

Lois: Aha! A canceled check for Dad's cyst removal with your signature on it!
Ida: Beautiful! Let them try and say that's not a marriage! And look! The pig Victor got for my dowry!
Lois: It might take a year or two, but we are gonna get that 40 bucks out of their eye sockets! [Ida laughs] You know, Mom, if this thing does go to trial, it might help us if you worked a little bit on your demeanor. You know, when you deal with other people, you could be pleasant and say, "How are you?" And that way people will think that you care about their feelings, and then they might care about yours.
Ida: What the hell are you talking about?
Lois: I'm just trying to help you.
Ida: I know you are, Vuschka. I'm sorry. It's just a lot for me to remember. You can show me more tricks tomorrow.
Lois: It's kind of funny, huh, Mom? After all these years, you and I are actually helping each other.
Ida: Well, you live as long as I have, you get used to anything.

Lois: It's the results of the blood test that lawyer wanted me to take. This says paternity is genetically impossible. This says that Dad is not my father!
Ida: I was 80% sure you were his.
Lois: What?!
Ida: The very second Victor walked in the house, I dragged him to the bedroom. I guess his soldiers got outflanked.
Lois: What?! Mother, how could you do something like that?!
Ida: I was lonely. Your father had a lot of business trips. Now we know what his business was.
Lois: Then who is my father?
Ida: Oh, what do you want to get into that for? Radu Gogorsky. The only interesting thing about him was he could walk up a flight of stairs on his hands.
Lois: What about Susan? Is she Dad's daughter?
Ida: Anything's possible.
Lois: How could you lie like this?
Ida: Sweetie, don't be upset. We can change this "A" to a "B." The judge will completely buy it.

Francis: Guys, look, I like you both. You work hard, but you gotta realize how other people see this relationship. Dude ranches have a lot of conservative customers, so, even though I personally don't have a problem with you two as a couple, this has to stop. [a horse and a cow are together] Thunder, get back in your own stall. [cow moos]

Hal: Dewey, I just found this letter! It says your school's going to have a father-son 5K race, and it was in the trash.
Dewey: I wanted to save you the trouble of agreeing to do it and then coming up with a bunch of lame excuses when you don't show up. It's degrading for you and even though I should know better, still slightly disappointing for me.
Hal: Come on, I'm not that bad.
Dewey: Last week you missed my class performing an original one-act play that I wrote.
Hal: Well, I was there yesterday when the mayor presented you with an award for it.
Dewey: No, you weren't.
Hal: Well, I saw every second of the video. Look, son, I am going to be at that race.

Reese: [on the phone] Okay, if you say so. I'll check. [to Lois] Mom, do you want to talk to dead Grandpa's secret other family?
Lois: What did you say?
Reese: This lady says she's your sister and she wants to talk to you. Make it fast, I have a radio station in Hawaii on hold.

Lois: [on the phone] Mom, I really don't want to hear this again.
Ida: My life is horrible! I can't think of anything but death. I thought I'd come down tomorrow for a visit.
Lois: What?! You want to come see us tomorrow? [gestures frantically to Malcolm]
Malcolm: Birthday party for Jamie.
Lois: Mother, that's a great idea. We would love to see you because tomorrow is Jamie's birthday. And there are going to be kids here, and balloons and songs...
Ida: I just remembered. Tomorrow I'm getting waxed.
Lois: [mouths to Malcolm] Thank you.

Lois: Boy, this is weird. I keep thinking about why... things turn out the way they do. It's amazing how different your life could be if you just... changed one person.
Malcolm: Tell me about it. You know what else is strange?
Lois: What?
Malcolm: Have you heard a bird or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?
Lois: No. Everything's gone as quiet as a graveyard.
[Lois and Malcolm scream as they turn around and see Ida standing at the door]
Ida: Judas!

Ida: So, Lois... are you enjoying your... collaboration? Looks like you sold your soul cheap enough. Coconut cake... from the woman who stole your father's fluids and made bastards with them!
Lois: Mother, what the hell are you doing?! Get out of here! The police are coming!
Ida: Why? I don't even get to look at what was stolen from me? Where do you think she got this money? This couch was my trip to Paris! Look at this place. While we lived like dogs, they were playing on grand pianos and eating with napkins! Why do you think you girls were so short and ugly? Victor fed you on beans so he could give his other daughter ballet lessons.
Sylvia: Ida, I think you should know that besides the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook.
Ida: Listen to me, tough guy. I know about Victor's other pension! Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964. Manitoba family law says as common-law wife, I am entitled to that pension!
Sylvia: I really don't know what you're talking about.
Ida: The truth will burst out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family!
Lois: Mother, we will discuss this later. If you do not turn and leave, so help me, I will tear that wig off of your head, and everyone will see your tick scars!
Ida: It's not over.

Hal: All right, the race is in two days. Let's get out there and practice. Where do we keep the sports bottles?
Dewey: Do we really need props for this charade?
Hal: Hey, when did your mom get a fire extinguisher?
Dewey: Uh, Dad, you probably don't want to...
Hal: Why would she hide this from me?
[Hal screams as he sprays the fire extinguisher in his face]
[cut to:]
Dewey: [on the phone] Yeah, Mom. He found it. The doctor says two weeks. Bye. [hangs up] I have to admit you almost had me fooled. I really thought you were going to come through this time.
Hal: Dewey, it was an accident. Believe me, if I wanted to blind myself, there are 100 easier ways I could have done it. Knowing that I let you down hurts much more than burnt corneas. And they hurt a lot. [Dewey walks away] I hate breaking a promise to you, Dewey, I really do. That's the truth. I remember once when my dad told me he was going to take me to an air show.