Future Ted: [v.o.] The night Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall got engaged, the night I met Aunt Robin, was the night of your mom's 21st birthday.
Kelly: Happy birthday. Where's Max?
The Mother: He couldn't get a cab. Which is code for "waited until the last minute to get me a gift." Although he always nails it. Two years ago, he got me an exact replica of the Pee-wee's Big Adventure bike. And last year, he got me a one-man-band suit including knee cymbals.
Kelly: And these are things you want?
The Mother: No, these are things I need.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how your mom started dating Louis. And for a little while there, it was fine.
The Mother: [singing] One tasty English muffin Baby, that is what I am Ba-da, da-da-da, da-da One tasty English muffin With some raspberry jam
Louis: That's funny.
Future Ted: It just wasn't love. But then fate intervened.
[flashback:]
Ted: Anyway, you guys wouldn't, uh, happen to know of any wedding bands... available at the last minute, would you?
[flashback:]
The Mother: Hi. One ticket to Farhampton, please.
Future Ted: Now, Louis had a house in Farhampton, so he let your mother stay there. The day before the wedding, as she was taking cookies out of the oven she got an e-mail.
The Mother: What the damn hell?

[May 2016:]
Lily: We just peeked in on Penny asleep in the baby room. It's adorable.
Marshall: The whole place looks great, guys. But I can't believe you let Ted hang his jousting lance from the renaissance fair on your bedroom wall. [chuckles]
The Mother: Yeah. That's Ted's.

Lily: I still can't believe he dragged me to the childhood home of some stupid buckle-smith no one's ever even heard of.
The Mother: Yeah. Who cares about Florian van Otterloop?
Lily: I never told you his name.
The Mother: Sumbitch?

[flashback:]
Barney: I'm recruiting volunteers for the Starving Puppy Orphanage where I work. For free. So if you wouldn't mind just writing your number down on this sign-up sheet...
The Mother: Listen. I appreciate that you feel like you need my number. Um, maybe it's because you're really sad about something and this is your way of feeling better about yourself. But since I have a boyfriend, and I'm pretty sure I heard you call me a target earlier over there, I'm gonna go ahead and not give you my number. I'm gonna give you something even better.
Barney: Wow. Right to the chase. Meet you in Aisle 6.
The Mother: I'm gonna give you this. It's gonna be okay. You're a good guy. You will get through this.
Barney: Uh, okay, weirdo alert. [to another woman] Have you met...? Excuse me. [to the mother] What do you mean, "sad"?

[flashback:]
Barney: "Sad"? Lady, I got 14 girls' numbers in the last hour. And this was an off night. Heh-heh. What can I possibly be sad about?
The Mother: I think you were in love and you messed it up. And every moment of your life since has been spent trying to stay busy enough to ignore that fact.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how Barney met your mother.

Marshall: Thanks again for saving us.
The Mother: Well, I don't normally stop like that, but I just had to for the cutest hitchhiker in the world.
Marshall: Thank you. Oh, you're talking about Marvin. Sorry, it's been a really, really long day. When we get there, I'll buy you a drink.
The Mother: Thank you. But after I drop you off, I'm heading back to the city.
Marshall: What? I thought you said your band's playing the wedding. Why you leaving?
The Mother: The lead singer. He's the devil. He's a total fire-starter. Just ruins people's lives for his own amusement. You know, he will walk up to two friends, he will find the one thing that will destroy their friendship and just, poof, burn it to the ground.
Marshall: Wow, what's his name?
[meanwhile:]
Darren: What's popping, mi amigos?
The Mother: [v.o.] Darren.

The Mother: Next, he tells you a deep, personal secret that is usually the tragic back-story from an animated kid's film.
[at the bar:]
Darren: My mother died on a hunting trip.
[car:]
The Mother: It's often Bambi.
[bar:]
Darren: My father was betrayed and killed by a trusted advisor.
[car:]
The Mother: Sometimes he'll throw a little Lion King in there.
[bar:]
Darren: I have no family. But tonight, I think maybe I found two brothers. Sorry, blah, too heavy. Pfft.
Ted: [sobbing] That's okay, man.
Barney: [sobbing] Let me get you a drink.
The Mother: [v.o.] And then, once your guard is down, the emotional prostate exam begins.

The Mother: Anyway, I brought Darren in to split lead vocals, and he took over. First, he took away my solos,
then I got demoted to backup vocals, and now the only time I use a mic is after Darren's first false exit, when I say: "Do you guys want more Darren?" And then today, I found this ad online.
Marshall: "Ass Player Wanted"?
The Mother: Move your thumb.
Marshall: Oh, "Bass Player Wanted." Wait, he was gonna kick you out of your own band?
The Mother: Yeah. But instead... I quit.
Marshall: You quit? That's it? But it's your band, you must be avenged.
The Mother: Funny you should say that, because as I was leaving the hotel, I ran into someone.
[flashback:]
Lily: You need to steal this douche-monkey's van.

Marshall: Aldrin justice. Nice.
The Mother: Your wife is cool.
Marshall: Oh, the coolest. Hey, did she, um, happen to mention the fact that I'm sort of ruining her dream of moving to Italy?
The Mother: Uh, yeah, that did come up.
[flashback:]
Lily: You need to steal this douche-monkey's van. And then run my husband over with it.
[back:]
The Mother: I think you've got a tough talk coming.
Marshall: Yeah, well, so do you. When we get to the inn, you're gonna go in there and stand up to Darren.
The Mother: Come on. I Aldrin-justiced him.
Marshall: Yeah, but I bet you're just gonna give this van right back to him. I mean, were you at least gonna pee in it a little?
The Mother: I was gonna gas it up and get it washed.