The Mother: This is my band. I started it. And if anyone is getting fired here, it's you, Darren. So hit the bricks, skunk junk. Was that even a little bit intimidating?
Linus: Nope. And the knitting's not helping.
The Mother: I'm sorry, I just met this baby and he needs a hat.
Linus: You can't fire Darren. He gets how hilarious and adorable I am. Plus, it is so inspiring how he overcame his mother being eaten by a barracuda.
The Mother: Aah! That's Finding Nemo. That's new. There's no defeating the devil. New plan. Linus, if at any point tonight, you see me with an empty glass...
Linus: Kennedy Package. It's a very popular choice this weekend.
The Mother: Thank you, Linus.

The Mother: Okay. It's over.
Ted: Starting the clock now. Labor sucks, huh?
The Mother: Yeah. That fun-sounding name? It's totally misleading.
Ted: [chuckles] We better have this baby soon. You know my mom's rule. "Nothing good happens after 2 a.m."
The Mother: I don't buy it. Just like I don't buy what her son told me. "Let's go away for one last weekend before the baby comes. We'll be fine."
Ted: Well, I hate to point fingers, but you should never listen to me. You know that.
The Mother: That's my bad.

The Mother: Okay. Okay.
Ted: Everything is fine, okay? Don't freak out.
The Mother: I'm not freaking out.
Ted: I was talking to myself.
The Mother: Do you have the baby?
Ted: The elevator!
The Mother: What?
Ted: Marshall and Lily are right, never gets old.
The Mother: Unless you're crowning.
Ted: So proud of you.
The Mother: Thank you.
Ted: Penny's so proud of you.
The Mother: Let's go get you a brother, okay?
Ted: You want a brother? I love you.
The Mother: I love you too.
Ted: You're gonna be great.
The Mother: Yeah, okay.
Future Ted: [v.o.] 2 a.m., it's a good rule. But every rule has an exception. And for us, that exception was you, Luke.
Ted: We're having a baby!

[flashback to March 2008:]
Kelly: Okay, this is ridiculous. You've been sitting around for two years. It's time to get back out there.
The Mother: I have not been sitting around. I've been hard at work. I think I'm about to enter my robots-doing-track-and-field-events period. It's a very exciting time.
Kelly: Sweetie, I love you, and I can't imagine what it was like going through what you went through, but these are your 20s. It's Saint Patrick's Day, the holiday of my people.
The Mother: You're not Irish.
Kelly: Binge drinkers. Now, let's go.
The Mother: No, please don't make me go out there. It's gonna rain.
Kelly: Bring your umbrella.

[flashback to March 2008:]
The Mother: How is the bathroom line this long, and yet the floor is covered with urine? If there's urine out here,
what is going on in there?
Kelly: Screw this, we're holding it. Let's dance.
The Mother: No, thanks.
Kelly: This is what I'm talking about. The love of your life could be on that dance floor waiting for you to bump into him. If you're not there, he's gonna bump into someone else.
The Mother: Somehow I doubt it.
[meanwhile:]
Ted: Oh, I'm sorry.
Woman: Oh, that's okay.

[flashback to March 2008:]
The Mother: Wait, is that? Mitch.
Mitch: No way.
The Mother: Hi.
Mitch: What are you doing in New York?
The Mother: I live here. This is my friend Kelly.
Mitch: What?
Kelly: Hi.
The Mother: Mitch was my instructor at orchestra camp.
Kelly: Orchestra camp?
The Mother: It's not as lame as it sounds. We also did physics.

[flashback to March 2008:]
The Mother: What are you up to these days?
Mitch: Still teaching orchestra. I'm at this public school in the Bronx. It's totally underfunded. A lot of the kids can't afford instruments...
The Mother: Take my cello.
Mitch: What?
The Mother: Yeah. Oh, you gotta take it. I haven't played it in years. It's sitting in my closet. Give it to the kids.
Mitch: Are you sure?
The Mother: Do you wanna come and get it right now?
Mitch: Um, okay.

[flashback to March 2008:]
Mitch: I felt lost for a long time too. I was living in my parents' basement, playing video games, mastur... ing those games. Until I finally woke up and realized I wanted to follow my dream of teaching music. Let me save you a few years. Even if it sounds completely crazy, what is it you wanna do with your life?
The Mother: I want to end poverty.
Mitch: Great. Then every decision you make from here on out should be in service of that.
The Mother: Oh. Thanks. You know, for a minute there, I totally forgot you were naked.
Mitch: In a way, aren't we all naked?
The Mother: Yeah, but your balls are on my couch.
Mitch: Hug?
The Mother: I will take a rain check.
Mitch: It's raining now.
The Mother: [gasps] Oh, my umbrella. [to Kelly] I will be right back. Long story.

[flashback to Fall 2009:]
The Mother: When I got to the club, it had already closed. By the next day, some super-inconsiderate person had taken my umbrella. But by that point, I didn't care. I knew if I really wanted to end poverty, I had to get a degree in economics. So to answer your question, that's how I got here.
Cindy: I meant how did you get here from the subway station.
The Mother: Oh.
Cindy: I'm asking because I just moved to town. I don't even have a place to live yet.
The Mother: Yeah, you do. Come live with me. My roommate just moved out.
Cindy: Are you sure? You just met me. I could be a serial killer.
The Mother: I like to believe in people. Plus, what are the chances that we're both serial killers? [laughs]

[flashback to Fall 2009:]
Cindy: Just promise me there won't be naked men in the living room.
The Mother: Not a problem. I'm on permanent hiatus in the love department.
Cindy: Really? I find that hard to believe.
The Mother: I guess I'm old-fashioned. I believe that each of us only gets one. And I got mine already.
Cindy: Well, if you ask me, you know what comes after the one? The next one.
The Mother: Oh, yeah. Well, I don't really see that happening any time soon.
Ted: Hi. Is this Room 7?