Peter Bogdanovich: Which is exactly what Truffaut was talking about in his 1954 article in Cahiers du cinema. Film is an auteur's medium, full stop.
Marshall: [laughs] Movies. Right? Actors. Willem Dafoe. Funny thing about Willem Dafoe. Uh, his name kind of sounds like a frog talking to a parrot. [in deep voice] Willem. [in high-pitched voice] Dafoe! [deep] Willem. [high] Dafoe! No?

Lily: Look, Ted, it gets exhausting constantly giving people advice they haven't asked for, so I'm training Marshall.
Marshall: My goal is to eventually say things that are so sassy and wise, that there is no possible response other than "mm" or "mm-hmm". And if this is a place where we can share our dreams - I like to think that it is - I hope someday to earn a "testify".

Future Ted: [v.o.] That night, Marshall, sat down to write the letter he hoped Lily would never have to read.
Marshall: [v.o.] "My dearest, sweetest, Lilypad. Let this letter be a small beacon, a tiny firefly to help light your way trough the years ahead. My love for you persists, higher than the Himalayas, deeper than a Scottish loch. [sobbing] If I died under suspicious circumstances then beware. Trust no one, not even Ted. Especially not Ted. Know that I'll always be there in your heart, whenever you need me. [sobbing] And my love for you will never die. Love. [sobbing] Your Marshmallow."

[flashback to Ted, Barney and Marshall in a booth in MacLaren's in 2001:]
Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
[Lily walks in the bar]
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted? Should I go for it?
Ted: Oh, don't do it, man. I mean, think about Lily.
Marshall: You know what, I don't care. I've been with one woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Barney: Yes, yes, pep talk. You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she is way too hot for you. So, remember, tonight isn't about scoring, it's about believing that you can do it even though you probably can't. Go get him, tiger.
[Marshall gets up and heads over to the bar. Ted moves to the other side of the booth and sits next to Barney.]
Barney: Poor guy's gonna crash and burn.
[Marshall walks over to Lily and kisses her]
Barney: [spit take] That man is a god!
[present:]
Marshall: For like a week after, Barney followed me around, asking me to teach him how to live. I even got him to do my laundry once.
Barney: I thought it was a Mr. Miyagi kind of thing.

Ted: All right, so, Barney, are you doing this or what?
Robin: Oh, geez, Barney, don't do this.
Barney: I have to, it's my birthday present to Ted.
Marshall: You don't have to. Please, it's going to be embarrassing and we're going to have to stop coming here, which will suck. In addition to probably being kind of healthy.
Ted: Come on, Marshall, it's the greatest pickup line of all time. Barney.
Marshall: Oy, gevalt.

Marshall: You know what it might be. This is gonna sound a little crazy but what if Robin's married?
Ted: Married? What does have to do with the mall?
Marshall: Well, maybe she got married at the mall. Back home in Minnesota a ton of people would get married at the Mall of America, it's great. It's a gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures. Numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable price...
Lily: We're not getting married at the mall.
Marshall: Just meet with the guy.

Lily: What the hell's a slap bet?
Marshall: Whoever's right gets to slap the other person in the face as hard as they possibly can, but no rings.
Lily: Are you really gonna do that? That's so immature.
Marshall: You can be Slap Bet Commissioner.
Lily: Oh, I love it. What are my powers?
Marshall: Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling, that's your job.
Barney: But you have to be unbiased and put the integrity of slap bet above all else. This is an honor you will take with you to your grave. On your tombstone, it will read "Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, Slap Bet Commissioner."
Marshall: And your tombstone will read, "got slapped by Marshall so hard, he died."

[At Barney's play:]
Barney: [singing] The robot found love Confusing my circuitry My software's been hacked Toaster oven You're the one for me Two, three, four.
[Marshall stands up and slaps Barney]
Marshall: That's two.

Ted: [v.o.] The next few hours of our drive were classic road trip.
[The Proclaimers' "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" plays repeatedly:]
Ted: So... this song.
Marshall: Oh, it's the best song in the world. It's the only song I like. Just kidding. Tape's been stuck in the player for, like, two years. Better than nothing, though.
Ted: Maybe.
[Ted and Marshall enthusiastically singing the "ta-da-da-ta" part of the song]
Ted: I am so... sick... of this song.
Marshall: Don't worry. It comes around again.
Ted: What do you mean?
Ted and Marshall singing: [singing] Just to be the man who walks 1,000 miles And falls down at your door...

Marshall: Oh, no. I don't have my vows.
Lily: I don't have mine either.
Ted: You don't need your vows. Just say why you love each other.
Marshall: Okay, I'll go first. Lily, there are a million reasons why I love you. You make me laugh and you take care of me when I'm sick. You're sweet, caring and you even created an egg dish and named it after me. She puts a little Italian dressing in scrambled eggs before she cooks them. It's called "Eggs Marshall," and it's awesome. But the main reason that I love you is that you're my best friend, Lily. You're, uh... you're the best friend I ever had. [to Ted] I'm sorry, buddy.
Ted: No problem.
Barney: It's totally okay.