Ilene: I can't believe we felt sorry for him.
Al: Me neither. He's just a freeloading... scalawag!
Tim: Scalawag?! Watch your language. There's children here.

Al: What is becoming of Al Borland? I mean, is my sensitivity being obliterated by my overwhelming masculinity?
Lisa: I don't think so, Al.

Al: My mother was a great woman. She was my friend, my supporter, my teacher. And Tim's right. She said that there's nothing greater than sharing your love with someone else. And, well, there was something I was going to do the other night. And I don't think there's any reason for putting it off. Trudy, will you marry me? [off her reaction] Perhaps I've put you on the spot?
Trudy: Of course I'll marry you, Al. [applause]
Wilson: Al and Trudy, this is indeed a joyous occasion. Now, let us proceed to the grave site. Will the following pallbearers please take their places? Al, Cal, Tim, Brad, Mark, Marty, Benny, Patrick, Colin, Francis, Chris, William, Brian, Jake, Carson, Ted, Alonzo...

Tim: Connect away, Bob.
Al: Tim, are you sure you turned off the electricity?
Tim: That goes without saying, Al.
Al: Well, now that we've said it, have you done it?
Bob Vila: Tim, it's your show. I think you should install the switch.
Tim: Oh, you're the guest. Go on, go on.
Bob Vila: Al, would you do this? Please.
Al: I don't think so, Bob.

George Foreman: Well, if I'm going to hit that nail, Tim, I've got to get angry with it.
Tim: Huh?
George Foreman: So I'm going to close my eyes and imagine it's Evander Holyfield. You going to hold that nail for me?
Tim: Al, hold that nail.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: George, hold your own nail.
George Foreman: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: Lisa?
Lisa: [o.s.] I don't think so, Tim.

Lisa: And now, Binford Tools is proud to present Tool Time, with its very special guest host, Al "The Tool Man" Borland.
Al: Hi. [struggles to get his jacket off] Hi. And... and welcome to Tool Time, the show with more power... [grunts weakly] Ah, you all know my guest assistant, Tim "The Assistant Man" Taylor. [Tim salutes] Tim and I are going to be showing you today the proper method of installing decorative molding around the interior of a doorway. [runs backstage] Thank you, Lisa. [returns and knocks on the door]
Tim: Jeez, Al.
Al: [comes up behind Tim] Ah, Tim. Do you suppose if Little Miss Muffet went through there, instead of a "doorway" they'd call it a "curds and whey"? [snorts]
Tim: I don't think so, Al.
Al: Why not?
Tim: That's Al "I Take My Job Seriously" Borland...

Tim: You have to have a bigger toolbox to compensate for your teensy-weensy paycheck.
Al: No, Tim. I need a bigger toolbox because I'm your assistant. And I need to be ready for any of your particular needs.
Tim: Oh, yeah, you do. [grunts] You're really shaping up around here, Al.
Al: Well, I have plenty of room in here for bandages, couple of ice packs.
Tim: Stop it, Al. Cut it out.
Al: Oh, a tourniquet.
Tim: I hope you have a job application in there, buddy.
Al: Crutches.
Tim: Huh?
Al: IV unit.

Tim: We started the show with a very small budget. It was just two guys with a passion for tools.
Al: And one guy who knew how to use them.
Tim: Yeah.

Al: Why don't I get my coat and we'll lock up?
Tim: Hey, wait a minute. Go on. You go on. I'll lock up for you.
Al: You want me to leave you alone in my hardware store?
Tim: Yes, I do.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time.
Al: We have a very special guest today - Tim's old shop teacher.
Tim: That's right. The man that taught me everything I know about tools.
Al: And despite that, we're still happy to have him here.