Al Borland Quotes Page 3 of 32
Quote from Sisters and Brothers
Tim: All right. Let's give a big, warm Tool Time welcome for Cal "He's gotta be better-looking than Al" Borland. I don't see any family resemblance, do you?
Al: Well, actually, I take after Father and Cal looks like Mother.
Tim: And a fine-looking woman she is. Come on, Cal. You wanna tell us about growing up with Al?
Cal: I don't think so, Tim. [Al and Cal snort]
Al: [laughs] He's got that Borland humor.
Tim: Yeah, the kind that isn't funny.
Quote from Let Them Eat Cake
Tim: Um... It's hard to say how much thanks we have from everybody at Tool Time, which, of course, is a... a... a show that is a metaphor for how we live our lives in the '90s. I want to thank... everybody from Binford Tools. I want to thank Heidi, of course. My crew, if they can hear me out at the bar! My three boys for inspiration. And who am I missing? Um...
Jill: Your wife.
Tim: My wife. I'm sorry. And most of all, this man next to me, Al Borland, whose professionalism and class and dignity has been an inspiration to many of us.
Al: [in a mouse costume] Thank you, Tim. I, uh... Well, I just want to say that... that this proves that dreams really can come true. When I started out in this business... well, l... I lived in a hole in the wall. But... Well, I want to say did I give up? Did I run away with my tail between my legs? No! No! I went on...
Tim: And on, and on, and on. From both of us, thanks very much. And good night.
Quote from Doctor in the House
Tim: Todd from Toledo writes, "Dear Tim, when I heard you were getting a Ph.D., three words came to mind - Why not Al?"
Al: Thanks, Todd.
Tim: "He's the one who works his tail off day in, day out. It's time for America to stand up and cheer for Albert Borland, who slaves..." I can't read this, Todd.
Al: Tirelessly.
Tim: How did you know what that said?
Al: I guessed.
Tim: Did you, or is it possible that Albert Borland is Todd from Toledo? [Al hangs his head in shame] How could you stoop to something so dumb?
Al: I don't know. But there's no use reading this letter from Andy from Akron.
Quote from Tanks for the Memories
Al: Now, the object of the game is to finish your project without having to call an ambulance. You can learn as you go along. Mark, why don't you start us off?
Mark: OK. Start. Two. "Tim makes bad joke about Al's mom. Audience boos. Lose a turn."
Al: Mother loves that card.
Brad: All right, it's my turn.
Al: That's right.
Brad: Ooh, four. "Al's away at National Bingo Finals. Tim hosts show alone and ratings drop."
Randy: All right. My turn. All right, here we go. Six, OK... five, six. All All right. Pick up a card. "Tim installs faulty wiring. You're accidentally electrocuted."
[Sparks fly on the game as Randy's figure is knocked down. The lights flash and sirens wail on the ambulance and emergency room]
Al: You lose.
Quote from Mr. Wilson's Opus
Tim: Last time, we showed you how to install your half-inch foam board over your existing shingles. Now it's time to turn to aluminum.
Al: That's right. And our siding comes in 12-foot lengths. You're often gonna need to cut this around the lighting fixtures and faucets.
Al: Which means you'll have to do some measuring.
Tim: Al uses the old carpenter's adage, "Measure twice, cut once."
Al: Tim's adage is, "Never measure, cut yourself."
Quote from Shopping Around
Al: It's gonna be great having you on the show, Wilson. You know, your sculptures are incredible.
Wilson: Well, thank you, Al. Ever since I was a young lad, it was always a dream of mine to create metal headwear.
Al: Well, ever since I started working with Tim, it's been a dream of mine to wear metal headwear.
Quote from Insult to Injury
Tim: Never in my wildest dreams did I believe I could break Bob Vila's record.
Al: I believed in you.
Tim: Yeah?
Al: Oh, yeah. The minute I met you, I knew you could break anything.
Quote from Pump You Up
Tim: Is, um, fitness a big deal at K&B Construction?
Rock: Ah, it's job one, Timmy. According to researchers at K&B R&D, being in shape can help prevent injuries at the workplace.
Al: Well, the only way I can prevent injuries in our workplace is if Tim calls in sick.
Dwayne: That's a good one, Al!
Quote from Tim's First Car
Tim: Here at Binford, we're not just tool people. Darn it, we're educators!
Al: That's right. Each week Tim teaches you what not to do. [Al & Heidi laugh]
Quote from Dead Weight
Al: I'm taking Mother out to dinner to break the news to her first.
Jill: Oh! Well, that's a way to go.
Tim: And let me guess where you're taking her. Sven's All-You-Can-Eat Smorgasbord.
Al: No. As luck would have it... You know, they went bankrupt shortly after our last visit?
Tim: You know, I do remember seeing a white flag in their window, yeah.