Al: I was just thinking about my mother, all the great times we used to have. When I was a kid, she used to take us to the park. We'd fly kites, she'd push us on the swing. We'd spend hours on the teeter-totter.
Tim: I used to love the teeter-totter. Up and down. Up and down.
Al: Down?
Tim: Well, they play it differently in different parts of the country.

Al: What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? [chuckles] While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"
Tim: I just want you to press the bell.
Al: I know... It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
Tim: It is not a setup!
Al: Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother...
Tim: Al.
Al: How she always shops in the husky section. How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Tim: Al, I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Al: Well, go ahead. Just say it. My mother is a big fat cow!
Tim: Goodness gracious, Al. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.

Tim: That brings us to the final segment here on Tool Time. You know, when men get done doing a real hard job, sometimes we don't look like we want to, right, Al?
Al: No, we don't, Tim.
Tim: I'm usually hot, greasy, sweaty...
Al: And bleeding.

Tim: Now, to show some of the advantage of soundproofing, the crew and I got here early and constructed a special room. Heidi, my room, please. Now, this room will not only protect you from the elements, keep you warm, but it's also totally soundproof.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Watch this, Al. Can't hear a word. It's so good. Watch. Talking like this. You walk in. Hi, everybody. It's just great to be here. My name's Tim "The Tool..." [silence] ...Aah! [audience applaud]
Al: That is truly amazing. We did not hear a sound.
Tim: No. That's how it was designed. You gotta try it. Let yourself go. It's great. Yeah.
Al: [in the booth] Tim, can you hear me? [Tim mouths] You can't hear me? In that case, I should be the host of this show. And another thing. That's a stupid haircut you have. And another thing... [sings] I am a very model of a modern major general I've information vegetable, animal and mineral I know the kings of England I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical
Tim: Al.
Al: Yes?
Tim: Al.
Al: Yes?
Tim: Can you hear me?
Al: I can hear you. [audience laughing]
Tim: Think about that. Major General Borland!

Harry: Well, look, he's taking me to the game first because I'm his hardware guy.
Marty: No, no, no. If anyone deserves to go, it's me. I'm his brother.
Al: Excuse me. I'm the one that risks his life every day working next to him.
Marty: Uh, the man's got a point.
Al: All right, OK.

Al: Boy, it was awfully nice of you to invite me down for coffee. You haven't done that in a long time. Or ever.
Tim: I thought it'd give us a good chance to talk.
Al: Oh, yeah? About what?
Tim: Mothers.
Al: Oh, no. No. Oh, boy, I should've seen this one coming. You invited me down here to make fun of my mother.
Tim: No.
Al: OK, well, what's it gonna be today? More fat jokes? Oh, you've already done all those. How about her perspiration problem? Or maybe the way her jowls sway. Or how about the way the skin under her arms wobble?

Al: Boy, this is great! I'm telling you, the phones are ringing off the hook! I never thought this game would catch fire so soon.
Tim: Well, it did.
Al: What do you need to talk to me about?
Tim: Well, I think they might have put the wrong wire in it. It's defective. We played it last night and it caught fire.
Al: Caught fire? Everything you do catches fire.

Jerry Holborne: We award this certificate to Tim Taylor for his efforts to promote safety at home and on the job.
Al: You're getting an award for safety?
Tim: Yeah, I am, flannel boy. You got a problem with that?
Al: Well, I guess they didn't see the show where you fell through the roof of the project house.
Tim: Maybe they didn't, Al.
Al: Or the time you glued your head to the table.
Tim: Al!
Al: Or the time when you stapled the...
Tim: Jerry... Jerry, continue.
Jerry Holborne: Your clever staging of realistic-looking accidents clearly shows viewers what not to do. We salute you.

Tim: Make sure the joint on your door is secure.
Al: And for that, we're using a biscuit joiner to cut the slots in our wood for the biscuits.
Tim: Biscuits? Do you think they...
Al: No. They're not buttermilk biscuits. They're not sourdough biscuits. They're not dog biscuits.
Tim: I was just trying to make...
Al: They're not biscuits with honey, they're not biscuits with gravy, they're not biscuits in a box, or biscuits in a basket.
Tim: You're a biscuit case, Al.

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, Al "He's a Thorn in My - ow! Siding" Borland.
Al: What Tim is trying to say is that it's Siding Week on Tool Time. And today we're gonna be working with aluminum. Or as I like to call it: "Al-luminum."
Tim: You know, you're the only one that thinks it's funny putting the word "Al" in every sentence.
Al: "Al" be the judge of that. [snorts]
Tim: A few more jokes like that, you'll be working in "Al-toona."
Al: Sorry. All right, let's get to our "inst-Al-lation."
Tim: Would you stop it, please?