Lorelai: This is my car.
Emily: We can't go in this. We have to take the other car.
Lorelai: What other car? No, Mom, that's not a car. That's a rap-video set.
Emily: I ordered it specially. It has the darkest windows available. They say it's the car Jay-Z uses when he's in town. I assume that's an entertainer of some sort. The windows are bulletproof. They kept saying that as if it's a selling point. I told them I was not paying extra for bulletproof windows. I haven't been strafed in years.

Emily: Whatever it is, I want her name big and prominent.
Rory: My name?
Richard: The Rory Gilmore political science building.
Emily: The Rory Gilmore anthropology building.
Rory: Uh, guys?
Richard: The Rory Gilmore cultural center.
Emily: The Rory Gilmore auditorium.

Rory: While I think it's very generous of both of you to want to do this for me-
Emily: The Rory Gilmore observatory.
Rory: I still go to Yale, so having something with my name on it might be kind of-
Richard: The Rory Gilmore center for international affairs.
Emily: Oh, wait, the Rory Gilmore library.
Richard: And art gallery.
Emily: And ancient-history museum.
Lorelai: Forget it, kid, Grandma and Grandpa have gone bye-bye.
Richard: The Rory Gilmore medical research laboratory.
Emily: No that sounds like monkey testing. People will picket!

Michel: [on the phone] This is a lawsuit. You do not fool with people's heads and bodies like this. No, you listen! You-
Lorelai: Sookie, emergency. I'm crashing.
Sookie: Fresh pot over there.
Michel: You know you wouldn't treat Nicole Kidman like this. Nicole Kidman. Red hair, tall. Okay, then, Julia Roberts. You wouldn't treat Julia Roberts like this. Red hair, tall. Okay, then, Scarlett Johansson. What are you, a shut-in?
Lorelai: Why is he prancing?
Michel: I will call my lawyer, and you'll hear from him when I do. Kiss my tush! [hangs up] Mmm. Damn it! You can trust nothing and no one ever.

Lorelai: Please stop that, Michel.
Michel: Oh, I cannot. I cannot stop this for a very, very long time. I buy milk from the organic dairy down the way. The nonfat milk has a blue top. Blue. Today, I find out that they have accidentally been putting red tops on the nonfat milk and blue on the 2%. 2%! For the last two weeks, I have been drinking 2% milk in my coffee every single day.
Lorelai: Insert gasp here.
Michel: That's two full weeks of two cups of coffee a day. It used to be one cup, but then, suddenly, the coffee started tasting so good, I added an afternoon jolt, and now I find out I've been consuming an extra billion calories a week.
Lorelai: At least it hasn't affected your ability to do math. Isn't this bouncing bothering you?
Sookie: It was, but now it's kind of like having a Beyonce video on.
Michel: Now I have to burn off all these calories and I have to deal with 2%-fat-milk withdrawal.
Lorelai: Michel, why didn't you just look on the bottle?
Michel: Oh, you just know everything, don't you, you little miss I-know-everything?

Paris: Metaphase, anaphase, telophase.
Logan: Paris?
Paris: Male reproductive tract.
Logan: What?
Paris: Seven up. Seminiferous tubules, epididymis, vas deferens, ejaculatory duct, nothing, urethra, penis.
Logan: What are you doing?
Paris: Boning up. Pardon the pun. Got my MCATs coming up. Medical school.
Logan: I meant, "what are you doing here?"
Paris: Looking after you.
Logan: Oh, goody.
Paris: It's necessary. You seem like the kind of lunkhead that would get up too soon and inadvertently push a broken rib bone into his spleen.

Rory: I could kill him!
Logan: You'd have to get in a very long line.
Rory: The man should be drawn and quartered.
Logan: There's no fast pass for the line either. You just have to get in there and wait.
Rory: Quartering's too good for him. He should be eighthed, sixteenthed.
Logan: I don't know. You quarter a guy, he's in four pieces. That's tough to recover from.
Rory: He should be stretched on a rack, Iron Maiden strappadoed.
Logan: Oh, my God. What is strappadoed?
Rory: When you suspend him in the air with a rope tied to his hands that are tied behind his back.
Logan: You're scaring me with your knowledge of torture.
Rory: I did a paper on the attorney general. It comes with the territory.
Logan: Life in modern America?

Emily: They're all gone.
Lorelai: Gone where?
Emily: To hell, I hope. One person more incompetent than the rest.
Lorelai: But all of them? The nurse?
Emily: They'll do a 60 Minutes on that woman one day. Mark my words.
Lorelai: Uh, housekeepers?
Emily: Ate everything that wasn't nailed down.
Lorelai: The errand boys?
Emily: Their pants hung down below their underwear, and no one was worse than the driver he got me. Have you ever met the cab drivers in Prague?
Lorelai: Uh, no.
Emily: Well, they would hide their wallets from this man. Plus, I think he had a gun in his pocket.
Lorelai: Maybe he was just happy to see you.

Lorelai: You already have a beautiful house, Mom.
Emily: Oh, I know. This house is not for me. It's for you.
Lorelai: Me?
Emily: You and Luke. Now, before you get your nose out of joint and accuse me of interfering, hear me out. I think your house is very nice. I know you've put a lot of work into it. But, Lorelai, it's too small for the two of you, especially when you have children. If you have children, I mean. A man needs his own space and room, and Luke does not have that at your house. Also, I know you've always wanted horses, so I thought something with a little property might be nice. Now, I know it's not actually in Stars Hollow, but it's right on the border. It's only an extra 10 minutes to the inn and an extra 5 minutes to the diner. Plus I did a little nosing around, and I heard that if you grease the palm of the Stars Hollow zoning commissioner, a man named Taylor Doose, you can get him to change property lines, so we can give you a Stars Hollow address if it's really important to you.
Lorelai: You want to buy us a house?
Emily: Well, I know you're not going to let me give you a wedding, so I thought a house would do.
Lorelai: All that running around Stars Hollow, you and Dad were looking for a house for me?
Emily: Well, of course. You didn't think we wanted to live there, did you? Small-town charm is good for a weekend, Lorelai, but I have no interest in having a next-door neighbor walk in with a pie, wanting to chat. I would kill myself and my neighbors.

Emily: I don't trust generic.
Lorelai: Mom, it's the same thing.
Emily: If I'm willing to pay full price, then I deserve to have my drug bottle say "Valium" on it.
Lorelai: Fine.
Emily: I don't see why that's insane.
Lorelai: Fine.