Colm McCool Quotes

Quote from Episode Two

Colm: There was a knock at the door. This must have been, ah, we're talking eight, half eight, for I was halfway through my dinner. And up I got to open it, and there they both were, large as life. And the taller fella, though, to be fair, there was no more than an inch in it...
Mary: Jesus wept.
Colm: The slightly taller fella, he says to me, says he, "Do you know who we are?"
Joe: How is a body supposed to enjoy his dinner?
Colm: And I says to him, says I, "Well, I can't be sure now. But maybe if you took off the balaclavas..." And then he says to me, the slightly taller fella does, he says, "Step aside, we are armed."
Orla: Class.
Colm: And that is when the smaller fella, although, as I say, we are talking an inch...
Erin: Mammy, make it stop.
Colm: ...an inch and a half at most.
Sarah: I need a drink.
Colm: He has the bright idea of tying me to the radiator, you see. And I remember saying to myself, says I, "Colm, it's a good job you have the Economy 7 on the aul timer, or you'd be roasted here."

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Quote from The Curse

Colm: And, now, I don't mind a bit of a breeze, if anything I prefer it, but thon was aggressive. So, I says to myself, says I, "Colm, this is no day for a do..."
Sister Michael: What's happening?
Colm: ...for, when the bride arrived and, as I say, by this stage the wind was fierce...
Sister Michael: Am I dead?
Colm: ...I've never heard wind like it.
Sister Michael: Is this my wake?
Colm: Howling like a banshee, it was.
Sister Michael: Am I in hell?
Colm: So, the poor girl, the bride now, this is, she arrives anyway and isn't she no sooner out of the car than she's lifted up in the air like a paper doll and blown into a flowerbed.
Sister Michael: That's actually quite funny.

Quote from The Curse

Colm: John over there was just saying... You know John? Lovely fella. Married to, er, Patricia, I think it is, and her mother worked in the credit union, you might remember. Absolutely crippled with the old gallstones, so she was.
Mary: Christ Almighty.
Colm: And the gallstones... Well, now, they're no joke. A neighbour of mine, Dickie Dunnagan, by God, he was tortured with the gallstones. The size of golf balls they were.
Mary: And what did John say, Colm? For the love of God, what did he say?
Colm: He was telling me there, John was, that every being in the place is talking about Sarah's frock.
Sarah: Och, really?
Mary: Jesus, but this is an ordeal.
Colm: Well, at least they got a good day for it, Mary. I'll tell you, I was at one there, up in the Cathedral last week. By God, the wind could have cut you in two. Fierce it was, and now I don't mind a bit of a breeze. If anything, I prefer it. But thon was aggressive. And I says to myself, says I, "Colm, this is no day for a do." And as it turns out...
Mary: Can I just stop you there, Colm?
Colm: Surely, Mary. Go ahead.
Mary: Oh, no, I've got nothing to say. I just really, really need you to stop talking.
Colm: Fair enough.

Quote from Ms De Brún and the Child of Prague

Mary: But Colm's not here, is he, Da? Da?
Colm: [to the girl at the counter] ... And that's not to say, now, that in my younger years, I didn't enjoy a boiled sweet. But then I heard tell of a fella from Ballynahinch... What was it his name was, now? I had it there a minute ago. Ach, it'll come to me. Anyway, this Ballynahinch lad, and, as I say, his name escapes me, but he was mad keen on the boiled sweets. Sure, he couldn't get enough of them. But in the end, well, didn't he choke to death on one? A pear drop, I think it was. Or a clove rock, maybe. But either way, it's not how I'd want to go.
Mary: [to the girl] I know, love. I know.

Quote from The President

Colm: This Clinton boyo is actually America's 42nd president, which is interesting now, because JFK, well, he was the 35th.
Joe: Why is that interesting?
Colm: Well, I suppose it's not really. Sometimes I'll just say something to get me from one sentence to the other, Joe, you know how it is.
Jim: It should be just up here on the left.
Colm: I'm not sure what number Nixon was, now. Or your man, what do you call him, the beardy fella in the hat. The one who knocked the aul slavery on the head?
Gerry: Lincoln.
Colm: The very boy. But then there was the 27th... [time lapse] America's 30th. And then there was the lad they named all the vacuum cleaners after.
Gerry: Jesus wept.

Quote from The President

Erin: It's Uncle Colm!
Gerry: Dear God, no.
Mary: Everything all right, Colm?
Colm: Oh, God, aye. Well, the aul knee's giving me a bit of jip, but sure I'll not bore you with the details.
Gerry: I doubt that.
Colm: I felt a twinge there this morning and I says to myself, says I, "Colm, you'll have to get that seen to. You can't let that go." For, and you'll maybe not remember this girls, but Maggie Murphy felt a twinge on a Monday, and on Thursday of the very same week, sure didn't she drop dead at the bingo. And her sitting on a full house, too. But sure, you can't take it with you, as they say. God rest her soul.

Quote from The President

Colm: And Kennedy, of course, the poor critter.
Gerry: How?
Colm: Lovely fella. Hands on him like shovels.
Gerry: How the feck are we back in the same fecking place!
Joe: What's going on?
Gerry: I've driven 178 miles and I'm back where I was five fecking hours ago, Joe, that's what's going on!
Joe: You stupid bloody eejit.
Colm: Thon Reagan character, he was another.
Gerry: Stop listing presidents, Colm!
Joe: He'll list presidents if he wants to list presidents!

Quote from Episode Two

Sarah: Did you go for the Economy 7 in the end, Colm? I thought you said the hot water settings were a minefield?
Gerry: For the love of God, Sarah, no diversions.
Mary: Aye, come on, let's pick it up. They tied you to the heater.
Colm: They did indeed. And there I am, shackled to the thermostatic valve with my new shoelaces, when one of them, the smaller fella, or, hang on, maybe it was the...
Gerry: It doesn't matter, Colm.
Colm: Well, it was one of the two. He is looking for the keys to the van. All ranting and raving and getting himself all worked up, threatening to set fire to my good chaise-longue and all sorts. By Jesus, they were absolutely desperate to borrow thon van.
Mary: Colm, they didn't borrow your van. They stole your van. Used it to move arms across the border. And then they blew it up.
Colm: Aye. Nightmare altogether.