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Derry Girls: Episode Five

105. Episode Five

Aired February 1, 2018

With the Orange Order march looming, Erin's friends join the family as they head out of Derry. Meanwhile, Aunt Sarah's tarot cards predict disaster.

Quote from James

James: Why doesn't someone just call the police?
Erin: Cos that's not how things work around here, James.
James: Well, how do things work here? How do they work? Will one of you please explain it to me, because sometimes I feel like I've gone through the fucking looking glass!
Clare: Calm down, James.
Michelle: Aye, don't be such a dick, James.

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Quote from Granda Joe

Gerry: Joe, it's all just a bit trickier today. There are so many roadblocks up, there are so many diversions, and, you know, I drive for a living.
Joe: He says this like it's something to be proud of.
Gerry: Look, we just need to get out of this place as quickly and as quietly as possible.
Joe: You know what age I am, boy? You know how many of these parades I've lived through? You think I don't realise how quickly a situation can turn? Do you think I would do anything to put my family at risk?
Gerry: No. Of course not. I'm sorry.
Jim: Aye.
[cut to Joe's car stuck in the middle of the Orange Order parade:]
Joe: What are you looking at, you tangerine tool?!

Quote from Ma Mary

Mary: Already? It's started already?
Gerry: I think it's just a rehearsal, love.
Mary: They've been playing the same three songs since 1795. What do they need to rehearse for?

Quote from Aunt Sarah

Sarah: Listen, Mary, I just did a reading. The cards say if we go on this wee holiday, we're placing ourselves in grave danger, which I'm not buzzing about, to be honest.
Erin: You're not psychic, Aunt Sarah.
Sarah: I am psychic, Erin. I did a course. I got a certificate. Aye, this does not look good.
Joe: Still no sign of the lottery numbers?
Sarah: No, Daddy, this psychic carry-on, it's not all it's cracked up to be, you know? Last night, I woke up to this... wailing sound. I thought to myself, "Jesus, it's Granny Pat, she's trying to cross over." Now, it turned out it was only Aggie next door. She'd put the electric blanket on full whack and scalded the legs o' herself. But still, it could just as easily have been...
Erin: The disembodied spirit of a dead relative?
Sarah: Exactly. My nerves are wrecked. I am living on a knife's edge here. Is there any Rice Krispies?

Quote from Erin

Erin: Shh! Can you hear that?
Clare: Hear what?
Gerry: Come on, Emmett, out you go.
Joe: Ah-ah! You just stay where you are, son.
Erin: Ticking. It's... It's like a ticking sound!
Gerry: I'm not comfortable driving him across the border.
Joe: Fine... I'll drive him.
Erin: Oh, dear God!
Mary: We're all involved in this, Da. We'll decide what to do as a family.
Erin: Bomb! He has a bomb! [Emmett opens the car boot] Listen, Mammy! Listen!
Mary: Ach, Erin, that's just the big clock.

Quote from Granda Joe

Joe: You'll not tell me where I can and can't go in me own town! Orange bastards!

Quote from Orla

Orla: Well, practice makes perfect, Aunt Mary. You know, that is why they are so cracker.
Erin: I'm sorry? Did you just call the Orange Order "cracker"?
Orla: I'm considering joining.
Erin: I don't think they accept Catholics, Orla. Or, you know, acknowledge our right to exist.

Quote from Ma Mary

Mary: I can't find my purse.
Gerry: I can see your purse right there.
Mary: No, that's my sterling purse. I'm talking about my punt purse. I can't find my punt purse, Gerry. [prays] Blessed St. Anthony, the Grace of God has made you the patron saint of all things lost and stolen. I turn to you this day with childlike love and...
Gerry: Look, Mary, calm down.
Mary: Calm down, Gerry? We have no punts! We can't go to the Free State without punts. We're puntless. We haven't a punt between us. Oh, God. I think... I think I'm having a panic attack. Oh, stupid purse.

Quote from Ma Mary

Deidre: Listen, Mary, I hate to do this to you, but me and Martin are both working nights and I'm nervous about leaving these two on their own what with the day that's in it. Don't suppose there's any chance you could take them with you?
Mary: Ach, a week, Deirdre, it's just...
Deidre: The English thing? Listen, Mary, I understand. I mean, he's my nephew, and even I find it hard to get past. If I'm totally honest, there's times when I look at him and I feel... well, it's pure hatred. I'll not dress it up.
Mary: No, no, it's not the English thing.
Deidre: I hope to God it's not the gay thing you're offended by.
James: There is no gay thing.
Deidre: Because I'd be disappointed in you, Mary. I'll not lie.
Mary: Of course not. I mean, if anything, the gay thing sort of cancels out the English thing.
James: Again, no gay thing.
Michelle: You wouldn't move over there, James? I can't see past your massive closet.

Quote from Da Gerry

Mary: What are they, stilts?
Joe: Golf clubs.
Sarah: I thought... spatulas.
Gerry: They're rifles!
Sarah: Really? Are you sure?
Gerry: Fairly sure! I also don't understand what connection spatulas, golf clubs or stilts would have to the Irish resistance!
Joe: Christ, he's a dose.

Quote from Erin

Gerry: OK, look, I've yet to hear anybody say anything to convince me that bringing that lad across the border with us is a good idea.
Erin: Shit, he's coming!
Emmett: I really didn't want to have to do this... [reaches inside his jacket]
Erin: Jesus Christ! Get down! Everybody get down!
Emmett: Is there something wrong with her? [lights a cigarette]
Mary: Stop that, Erin.

Quote from Orla

Jim: Now, once your tent is erect... [Michelle chortles] ... you'll want to think about where to safely store your food because believe me, girls, you do not want to attract predatory animals into your sleeping area. Bears are particularly vicious.
Erin: Yeah, I'm not sure how many bears there are in Portnoo, though, Jim.
Orla: But there was a cheetah on the beach one time.
Erin: That was a greyhound, Orla.
Orla: I know what I saw.

Quote from Da Gerry

Joe: Well, there was absolutely no need for that.
Sarah: Jesus, Gerry!
Michelle: Harsh.
Emmett: Awful.
Clare: Poor girl.
Erin: Aye, I can't believe you did that, Daddy.
Gerry: I... You asked me to! How could I have known...? Will you all just stop looking at me? Fine... Fine. D'you know what? Fine! I've had it with the lot of ye! And just for the record, back there, I was being an Australian tourist, OK? Australian! And I happen to think that my accent was flawless! [Australian accent] Excuse me, mate! Can you help us get outta here? [normal] Flawless!

Quote from Michelle

Michelle: And how soon am I going to meet this fella?
Sarah: Dead soon. Really soon.
Michelle: And answer me this. Is he a ride?
Sarah: Oh, God, aye.
Michelle: Is it just a casual thing, or are we talking a keeper here?
Sarah: I'm thinking marriage.
Michelle: Holy fuck!
Erin: Catch yourself on.
Michelle: To think, I could be staring at him right now.
Erin: You can't marry an Orangeman, Michelle.
Michelle: That's a pity, cos I think there's something really sexy about the fact that they hate us so much.

Quote from Michelle

Michelle: Look, I just wanted to say, while there's obviously something between us...
Emmett: There is?
Michelle: ...the physical thing isn't really working for me yet.
Emmett: Right.
Michelle: I'm not saying you won't grow on me, you're not a bad looking lad.
Emmett: Thank you.
Michelle: But the ginger element... Well, I've sort of got a borderline phobia.
Emmett: I'm not ginger.
Michelle: There's a tinge of it. And while I can't say it won't be a struggle, I'm willing to try.
Emmett: Great.
Michelle: Even though it sort of turns my stomach.

Quote from Aunt Sarah

Sarah: So, heads, the wee 'Ra man comes with us. Tails, we leave him.
Mary: Aye, ready?
Joe: Go on, then. [coin rattles]
James: What is that? A fish?
Orla: A dolphin, is it?
Clare: It sort of looks like Moby Dick, actually.
Mary: Ah, shite, I used a punt, didn't I?
Michelle: What's on the other side?
Joe: A harp.
Erin: So harp must be the head and fish must be the tail?
Orla: Oh, well, that makes sense, yeah, because fish have tails.
Sarah: Why don't we just do it again with real money?
Mary: This is real money, Sarah.
Sarah: You know what I mean. Normal money.

Quote from Clare

Clare: Listen to it! I mean, just listen to it! I mean... I mean, I don't... I mean, why do they have to be so loud?
Mary: Breathe, love.
Erin: Far worse for me, Clare. I mean, my hearing's impeccable.
Clare: I've read the same paragraph 47 times because I can't concentrate because... Oh, my God, the noise! This whale, he's a bad brute, Mrs. Quinn. I have to know if they catch him. Can I come away with you, please?
Mary: OK, well, if your mother has no objections, I don't see why not.
Clare: Thank you. Thank you. I'll never forget this. Thank you!
Erin: She's taking you to a caravan in Portnoo. She's not giving you her kidney, Clare.

Quote from Granda Joe

Joe: What is your problem with the big clock?
Gerry: It wouldn't say I have a problem, as such. It's just much heavier and takes up a lot of room.
Joe: I'm telling you, Mary, that's how it starts. Now he's dictating what size of clock you can pack. Next you'll be telling you what to wear, what to say. Before you know it, you'll be faking your own death and assuming a new identity.
Mary: Erin, I told you not to let him watch that Sleeping With The Enemy.
Erin: Couldn't stop him, Mammy.
Joe: Great show.

Quote from Aunt Sarah

Mary: Right, there's too many of us for one car. Some of you will have to go with me da.
Michelle: Can I? Can I? [to James] Cos Joe drives really fast. He, like, runs through red lights and takes corners on two wheels. It's class!
Orla: [to Clare] It really is.
James: I think I'll hop in with Mr. Quinn, if that's OK.
Clare: Me too!
Sarah: I'll go with me da. He lets me smoke.
Erin: You're coming? What about the grave danger we're putting ourselves in?
Sarah: Well, it's a concern, but so is the fact that I have nothing in for me Sunday dinner, so...

Quote from Granda Joe

Emmett: [opens car boot] Was there something else, or...?
Mary: Yes. Yes, there was something else, actually.
Emmett: Look, I'm sure you have questions. I just don't really want to get into it all.
Mary: Yeah, well, we didn't really want you to get into our boot, but...
Joe: Maybe just leave the fella be. Sure, what's the odds?
Gerry: And what if they pull us over at the checkpoint, Joe? What if the army asks to search the car?
Joe: The Brits are flat out with thon parade! They'll not bother with the likes of us.
Emmett: That's a good point.
Mary: Stay out of it, you!
Joe: Right, in you go, son. [closes boot]

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