James: Why doesn't someone just call the police?
Erin: Cos that's not how things work around here, James.
James: Well, how do things work here? How do they work? Will one of you please explain it to me, because sometimes I feel like I've gone through the fucking looking glass!
Clare: Calm down, James.
Michelle: Aye, don't be such a dick, James.

Gerry: Joe, it's all just a bit trickier today. There are so many roadblocks up, there are so many diversions, and, you know, I drive for a living.
Joe: He says this like it's something to be proud of.
Gerry: Look, we just need to get out of this place as quickly and as quietly as possible.
Joe: You know what age I am, boy? You know how many of these parades I've lived through? You think I don't realise how quickly a situation can turn? Do you think I would do anything to put my family at risk?
Gerry: No. Of course not. I'm sorry.
Jim: Aye.
[cut to Joe's car stuck in the middle of the Orange Order parade:]
Joe: What are you looking at, you tangerine tool?!

Mary: Already? It's started already?
Gerry: I think it's just a rehearsal, love.
Mary: They've been playing the same three songs since 1795. What do they need to rehearse for?

Sarah: Listen, Mary, I just did a reading. The cards say if we go on this wee holiday, we're placing ourselves in grave danger, which I'm not buzzing about, to be honest.
Erin: You're not psychic, Aunt Sarah.
Sarah: I am psychic, Erin. I did a course. I got a certificate. Aye, this does not look good.
Joe: Still no sign of the lottery numbers?
Sarah: No, Daddy, this psychic carry-on, it's not all it's cracked up to be, you know? Last night, I woke up to this... wailing sound. I thought to myself, "Jesus, it's Granny Pat, she's trying to cross over." Now, it turned out it was only Aggie next door. She'd put the electric blanket on full whack and scalded the legs o' herself. But still, it could just as easily have been...
Erin: The disembodied spirit of a dead relative?
Sarah: Exactly. My nerves are wrecked. I am living on a knife's edge here. Is there any Rice Krispies?

Erin: Shh! Can you hear that?
Clare: Hear what?
Gerry: Come on, Emmett, out you go.
Joe: Ah-ah! You just stay where you are, son.
Erin: Ticking. It's... It's like a ticking sound!
Gerry: I'm not comfortable driving him across the border.
Joe: Fine... I'll drive him.
Erin: Oh, dear God!
Mary: We're all involved in this, Da. We'll decide what to do as a family.
Erin: Bomb! He has a bomb! [Emmett opens the car boot] Listen, Mammy! Listen!
Mary: Ach, Erin, that's just the big clock.

Joe: You'll not tell me where I can and can't go in me own town! Orange bastards!

Orla: Well, practice makes perfect, Aunt Mary. You know, that is why they are so cracker.
Erin: I'm sorry? Did you just call the Orange Order "cracker"?
Orla: I'm considering joining.
Erin: I don't think they accept Catholics, Orla. Or, you know, acknowledge our right to exist.

Deidre: Listen, Mary, I hate to do this to you, but me and Martin are both working nights and I'm nervous about leaving these two on their own what with the day that's in it. Don't suppose there's any chance you could take them with you?
Mary: Ach, a week, Deirdre, it's just...
Deidre: The English thing? Listen, Mary, I understand. I mean, he's my nephew, and even I find it hard to get past. If I'm totally honest, there's times when I look at him and I feel... well, it's pure hatred. I'll not dress it up.
Mary: No, no, it's not the English thing.
Deidre: I hope to God it's not the gay thing you're offended by.
James: There is no gay thing.
Deidre: Because I'd be disappointed in you, Mary. I'll not lie.
Mary: Of course not. I mean, if anything, the gay thing sort of cancels out the English thing.
James: Again, no gay thing.
Michelle: You wouldn't move over there, James? I can't see past your massive closet.

Mary: I can't find my purse.
Gerry: I can see your purse right there.
Mary: No, that's my sterling purse. I'm talking about my punt purse. I can't find my punt purse, Gerry. [prays] Blessed St. Anthony, the Grace of God has made you the patron saint of all things lost and stolen. I turn to you this day with childlike love and...
Gerry: Look, Mary, calm down.
Mary: Calm down, Gerry? We have no punts! We can't go to the Free State without punts. We're puntless. We haven't a punt between us. Oh, God. I think... I think I'm having a panic attack. Oh, stupid punts.

Mary: What are they, stilts?
Joe: Golf clubs.
Sarah: I thought... spatulas.
Gerry: They're rifles!
Sarah: Really? Are you sure?
Gerry: Fairly sure! I also don't understand what connection spatulas, golf clubs or stilts would have to the Irish resistance!
Joe: Christ, he's a dose.