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Derry Girls: Episode One

101. Episode One

Aired January 4, 2018

The first day of school promises to be anything but easy for Erin, Orla, Claire, Michele, and new student James, when there's a bomb on the bridge.

Quote from Clare

Clare: Girls, I really don't feel great. I feel sort of shaky. I think my blood sugar is dangerously low.
Erin: Seriously, will you just have a Mars bar?
Clare: What about Kamal?
Michelle: Fuck Kamal.
Clare: Look, whatever happens in there, we have to stick together, OK? We have to back each other up.
Sister Michael: Ladies.
[inside Sister Michael's office:]
Clare: So it had nothing to do with me! Yes, OK, I was there, I admit that, but I didn't do anything. It was Michelle. It was all Michelle. I'm not going down for something I didn't do. If anyone deserves to get punished, it should be Michelle.
Sister Michael: Well, I think it's safe to say we all just lost a bit of respect for you there, Clare.

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Quote from Aunt Sarah

Sarah: Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not enjoying this bomb.
Joe: Shocking.
Mary: Desperate.
Sarah: Disgusting and disgraceful. I have an appointment in Tropicana at 12:00. 15 minutes in the stand up. But sure, I'll not get over the bridge at this rate. It's going to play havoc with my build-up. This is what they want. They want ordinary people to suffer. This is what it's all about.
Erin: I'm pretty sure interfering with your sunbed sessions isn't very high up on anyone's political agenda, Aunt Sarah.
Sarah: I wouldn't be so sure.

Quote from Orla

Orla: Aye, you shouldn't swear, Michelle, cos when you swear, Our Lady in heaven, she cries her tears, then make rain. Isn't that right, Sister Michael?
Sister Michael: What age are you now, Orla?
Orla: 15.
Sister Michael: Yeah. You might want to think about wising up.

Quote from Granda Joe

Joe: Them wains shouldn't have to take the bus to school. You should be driving them, you useless shite.
Gerry: I have to work, Joe.
Joe: Work? Ha-ha! Is that what you call it?
Gerry: Yes.
Joe: Why don't you just leave my Mary alone?
Gerry: Because we've been married for 17 years, Joe. We have two children. And because we're in love with each other.
Erin: Oh, boke.
Joe: I'll find some dirt on you yet, boy. I've got people working on it.

Quote from Clare

Clare: What's all this? I thought we were going to be individuals this year.
Erin: Look, I wanted to, Clare, but my ma wouldn't let me.
Clare: Well, I'm not being an individual on my own.

Quote from Michelle

Michelle: Well, come on, then, ball-ache. Are you introducing yourself, or what?
James: Hi. I'm Michelle's cousin, James.
Orla: Why's he making that funny noise?
Michelle: He's English, Orla. That's the way they talk. He's my Auntie Kathy's wain. I told you about my Auntie Kathy. She went to England years ago to have an abortion. Never came back. Never got the abortion, either. Lucky for you, James, eh?
James: I didn't actually know that.

Quote from Sister Michael

Erin: If I leave now, I might still catch David.
Clare: What if Sister Declan wakes up?
Orla: It's funny how she sleeps with her eyes wide open, isn't it?
Erin: What?
[Sister Michael walks in the room and finds Erin halfway out the window, James pissing in a bucket, Orla cradling Sister Duncan's lifeless head, Clare eating a sandwich, and Michelle holding Sister Duncan's handbag]
Sister Michael: Sweet suffering Jehovah!
James: [groans]

Quote from Michelle

Solider: Everyone remain seated!
James: What's going on?
Michelle: I dunno. But do you think if I told him I had an incendiary device down my knickers, he'd have a look?
Erin: Michelle, he's a soldier.
Michelle: Ach, some of them are all right. I'm willing to admit it, even if nobody else will, because I'm a beacon of truth, Erin.
Erin: You're a mouth, that's what you are.

Quote from Michelle

James: I can't find the boys' toilets anywhere.
Michelle: It's an all-girls school, dick face. There are no boys' toilets.
James: So should I just use the girls' toilets?
Michelle: No, you should not, you fucking pervert.

Quote from Michelle

James: Oh, God.
[As Michelle goes to retrieve her lipstick from Sister Declan's handbag, James relieves himself in a bucket]
Erin: Jesus, that's disgusting. Stop it.
Michelle: That's the English for you. Fucking savages.

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