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Derry Girls: Episode One

101. Episode One

Aired January 4, 2018

The first day of school promises to be anything but easy for Erin, Orla, Claire, Michele, and new student James, when there's a bomb on the bridge.

Quote from Aunt Sarah

Sarah: Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not enjoying this bomb.
Joe: Shocking.
Mary: Desperate.
Sarah: Disgusting and disgraceful. I have an appointment in Tropicana at 12:00. 15 minutes in the stand up. But sure, I'll not get over the bridge at this rate. It's going to play havoc with my build-up. This is what they want. They want ordinary people to suffer. This is what it's all about.
Erin: I'm pretty sure interfering with your sunbed sessions isn't very high up on anyone's political agenda, Aunt Sarah.
Sarah: I wouldn't be so sure.

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Quote from Michelle

Michelle: Well, come on, then, ball-ache. Are you introducing yourself, or what?
James: Hi. I'm Michelle's cousin, James.
Orla: Why's he making that funny noise?
Michelle: He's English, Orla. That's the way they talk. He's my Auntie Kathy's wain. I told you about my Auntie Kathy. She went to England years ago to have an abortion. Never came back. Never got the abortion, either. Lucky for you, James, eh?
James: I didn't actually know that.

Quote from Michelle

Solider: Everyone remain seated!
James: What's going on?
Michelle: I dunno. But do you think if I told him I had an incendiary device down my knickers, he'd have a look?
Erin: Michelle, he's a soldier.
Michelle: Ach, some of them are all right. I'm willing to admit it, even if nobody else will, because I'm a beacon of truth, Erin.
Erin: You're a mouth, that's what you are.

Quote from Orla

Orla: Aye, you shouldn't swear, Michelle, cos when you swear, Our Lady in heaven, she cries her tears, then make rain. Isn't that right, Sister Michael?
Sister Michael: What age are you now, Orla?
Orla: 15.
Sister Michael: Yeah. You might want to think about wising up.

Quote from Erin

Orla: [v.o.] "My name is Erin Quinn. I'm 16 years old, and I come from a place called Derry, or Londonderry, depending on your persuasion, a troubled little corner in the Northwest of Ireland. It's fair to say I have a somewhat complicated relationship with my home town. You see, the thing about living in Derry is, there's nowhere to hide. Everybody knows everybody, knows everything about everybody, and sometimes all I really want... is to be simply left alone."
Erin: Is that my diary?

Quote from Ma Mary

Erin: I won't put up with it any more. Teenagers have rights now, you know.
Mary: Don't be ridiculous.
Erin: They do, Ma. It's true. Sure, Macaulay Culkin might be divorcing his parents.
Mary: Do you hear this? This'll be someone she met at that stupid summer scheme you insisted we send her on. A bloody Friends Across the Barricades thing. I have nothing against Protestants. I'm all for integration, I am, but if they're letting their weans divorce them...
Erin: Macaulay Culkin isn't a Protestant, Ma.
Mary: It's only going to give our weans ideas.
Erin: Well, he might be. I didn't meet him at Friends Across the Barricades.
Mary: I don't care where you met him. You're not to see him again. Understood?
Erin: Fine.

Quote from Granda Joe

Joe: Them wains shouldn't have to take the bus to school. You should be driving them, you useless shite.
Gerry: I have to work, Joe.
Joe: Work? Ha-ha! Is that what you call it?
Gerry: Yes.
Joe: Why don't you just leave my Mary alone?
Gerry: Because we've been married for 17 years, Joe. We have two children. And because we're in love with each other.
Erin: Oh, boke.
Joe: I'll find some dirt on you yet, boy. I've got people working on it.

Quote from Clare

Clare: What's all this? I thought we were going to be individuals this year.
Erin: Look, I wanted to, Clare, but my ma wouldn't let me.
Clare: Well, I'm not being an individual on my own.

Quote from Michelle

Michelle: Motherfuckers! "Motherfucker" is my new thing. Watched this film last night. My dad got it off Pyro Pauline, and it's about these two lads, and they wear these cracking suits and they rock about, just shooting people and eating cheeseburgers, and they're all, "Motherfucker this, motherfucker that." It's got your man in it. What do you call him? The disco dancer from Look Who's Talking.

Quote from Michelle

Erin: What's he doing here?
Michelle: Kathy's just got divorced, so she's moved back. The husband caught her doing the dirt on him. She's a bit of a goer, is our Kathy, riding rings around him, so she was. Ain't that right, James?
Erin: No, I mean here, at our bus stop.
Michelle: Oh, he's going to our school.
Erin: But he's a fella. An effeminate fella, but a fella all the same.
Michelle: Everyone was shitting it about sending him to the boys' school. They were worried that the lads would beat him up because, well...
All: He's English.
Michelle: Mm, and you couldn't really blame them, I suppose. Our carriage awaits, motherfuckers.

Quote from Sister Michael

Sister Michael: Thank you. Thank you, girls. Some lovely sentiments there. Some very beautiful words. Unfortunately, that's all they are, sentiments and words. What you've just witnessed is a piece of fiction. The reality, I'm sorry to say, is much harsher, far more brutal. So let me take this opportunity to advise all our new girls to keep their guard up. Watch their back. [microphone feedback] Oh, speaking of pupils who need to watch their back, I'd like to introduce James Maguire. Show yourself, please, James. [James raises his hand] James will be the first ever boy to study here at Our Lady Immaculate College. [wolf whistle from the audience] He was due to start at Christian Brother Boys, but there were serious concerns for his safety because, well, unfortunately, James happens to be English. [laughter] But let me make one thing clear... I will not have a repeat of the Mr. Mullin affair. Is that understood?
James: [to Michelle] What's the Mr. Mullin affair?
Michelle: Student teacher. Two fourth-years cable-tied him to the monkey bars and started dry riding him. He was really good-looking, so you've nothing to worry about.

Quote from Michelle

James: I can't find the boys' toilets anywhere.
Michelle: It's an all-girls school, dick face. There are no boys' toilets.
James: So should I just use the girls' toilets?
Michelle: No, you should not, you fucking pervert.

Quote from Clare

Clare: Girls, I really don't feel great. I feel sort of shaky. I think my blood sugar is dangerously low.
Erin: Seriously, will you just have a Mars bar?
Clare: What about Kamal?
Michelle: Fuck Kamal.
Clare: Look, whatever happens in there, we have to stick together, OK? We have to back each other up.
Sister Michael: Ladies.
[inside Sister Michael's office:]
Clare: So it had nothing to do with me! Yes, OK, I was there, I admit that, but I didn't do anything. It was Michelle. It was all Michelle. I'm not going down for something I didn't do. If anyone deserves to get punished, it should be Michelle.
Sister Michael: Well, I think it's safe to say we all just lost a bit of respect for you there, Clare.

Quote from Michelle

James: Oh, God.
[As Michelle goes to retrieve her lipstick from Sister Declan's handbag, James relieves himself in a bucket]
Erin: Jesus, that's disgusting. Stop it.
Michelle: That's the English for you. Fucking savages.

Quote from Sister Michael

Erin: If I leave now, I might still catch David.
Clare: What if Sister Declan wakes up?
Orla: It's funny how she sleeps with her eyes wide open, isn't it?
Erin: What?
[Sister Michael walks in the room and finds Erin halfway out the window, James pissing in a bucket, Orla cradling Sister Duncan's lifeless head, Clare eating a sandwich, and Michelle holding Sister Duncan's handbag]
Sister Michael: Sweet suffering Jehovah!
James: [groans]

Quote from Sister Michael

Sister Michael: If you could all just take a seat.
Deidre: Sorry I'm late, sister. Couldn't get over the bridge. This bloody bomb. I begged the Brits to let me take my chances, but the awkward bastards made me go the long way.
Joe: Health and safety gone mad, Deidre.
Deidre: What are you playing at, rifling through a dead nun's handbag?
Michelle: She stole my lipstick, Mammy.
Deidre: Don't lie. Sister Declan was a woman of God.
Sister Michael: Actually, she was known to be a bit light-fingered.

Quote from Erin

Sister Michael: The hospital are saying it was heart failure, but I have my doubts. As I said on the phone, the circumstances in which I found her body were... strange, to say the least. So I've decided to carry out a full investigation into the incident.
Mary: That makes sense.
Erin: What? Nothing about this makes sense. The woman was almost 98 years of age. She had a heart attack. Why has everybody gone absolutely mental?
Gerry: Less of the cheek, Erin.
Erin: We didn't do anything. It's not fair.
Orla: [v.o.] "But the thing is, life isn't fair. You see, injustice is something I've become accustomed to." I am, after all, a child of the crossfire, surrounded by conflict. But I choose to rise above it. The path to peace is paved with tolerance and understanding. Violence is never the answer."
Erin: I am going to ram that so far up your arse!

Quote from Ma Mary

Joe: Look at this. They're bombing the bridge, apparently.
Mary: No.
Reporter: [on TV] Suspicions were raised when a hijacked van...
Mary: Oh, dear God, no. Does this mean they can't get to school? I've had a whole summer of it, Gerry. She's melting my head.
Gerry: Sure, their bus can go the long way round.

Quote from Orla

Clare: What's happening over there is really lousy, Erin. Father Conway showed us a video. There's this one wee fella, Kamal. He's only ten, and every morning, he walks 25 miles to the nearest well.
Orla: Does he just really enjoy wells, aye?

Quote from Michelle

Sister Declan: And you. Give that here.
Michelle: Ach, Sister...
Sister Declan: Now. [takes the lipstick and drops it in her handbag]
Michelle: Shouldn't you put that in the confiscated box?
Sister Declan: Quiet.
Erin: Really?
Michelle: What am I going to do, Erin? That colour has been discontinued.

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