TV Quotes

News Anchor: [on TV] Some of the proposed reforms have proved extremely controversial, particularly the early release of paramilitary prisoners. And now, with only days until the referendum takes place, voters across the country must get to grips with this booklet, a 30-page document laying out the Good Friday Agreement in simple terms...
Joe: Simple terms! Simple terms my arse. I've read through thon introduction 30 bloody times. I'm still none the wiser.
Mary: [opens microwave] Wow.
Aunt Sarah: Well, according to Shauna Sharkey, if you vote yes, you're allowed to swing both ways.
Gerry: What's that now?
Aunt Sarah: Well, you can be Irish, you can be British, or you can be bi.
Gerry: OK, I don't think "bi" is the correct term.
Joe: Says here you can hold both passports.
Mary: Two passports? That'd come in handy. I'm forever losing mine. I think I wouldn't mind being bi, you know.

Michelle: In fact, Cool Runnings is probably one of my favourite films.
Jenny: Right. I haven't seen that one.
Aisling: Me either.
Tomas: Nor me, I'm afraid.
James: We have to leave.
Michelle: Shh!
James: They haven't seen Cool Runnings, Michelle. I don't trust these people.

Joe: Right, as far as I can make out, this thing has two main aims. Firstly, to stop us all killing one another.
Aunt Sarah: Fair enough.
Joe: And secondly, to allow us to govern ourselves from here, rather than England.
Aunt Sarah: From Derry?
Joe: I would say so.
Gerry: Would it not be more likely to be Belfast? Belfast is the capital.
Mary: Aye, but that was an oversight, Gerry.

Joe: Er, the release of all paramilitary prisoners, both flavours.
[Joe points to two different packets of Tayto Cheese & Onion crisps]
Gerry: Both flavours?
Mary: Loyalist and Republican.
Gerry: Of course.
Mary: This is what I don't understand. What happens to the lads when they get out? I mean, what does an ex-paramilitary do?
Joe: Gardening.
Gerry: Gardening?
Joe: Have you any better suggestions?

Colm: You can vote yes, or, you can vote no.
Gerry: Well, they are the only two options, Colm.
Colm: That's not strictly true, now, Gerry, for you can spoil your vote.
Gerry: Right.
Colm: I knew a fella once, Tommy Duddy, he spoiled his vote. Now this would have been back in, ach... we're talking '88, '89. Or was it '90?
Gerry: I don't care, Colm.
Colm: '90, at a push. Now, when I say he spoiled his vote, what he actually did was eat the ballot paper.
Gerry: What?
Colm: Swallowed the thing whole, so he did. People thought he was trying to make some sort of political statement, but that wasn't the case at all. Tommy was just an awful man for the paper. Couldn't get enough of the stuff. I'll tell you, if you didn't keep your eye on him, he'd have got the very Yellow Pages down him.
Joe: Tommy Duddy, is it?
Colm: Aye.
Joe: Took a bite out of my crossword once.

Colm: As far as sausage rolls go, well, I could take them or leave them, but that's not to say I don't appreciate the work that goes into them.
Maureen Malarkey: Look, Colm, no offence, but I listened to the prawn cocktail monologue. I'm not getting into sausage rolls.
Colm: For there was a fella that lived on my street, and, well, he was a pastry chef. He's dead now. This was when he was alive.
Maureen Malarkey: I only came over for a bloody napkin.
Gerry: I'm sorry, I can't actually believe that I'm about to say this, but can I speak to him on my own for a moment?
Maureen Malarkey: Thank you, son. Thank you.

Joe: Hello, love.
Erin: Did you get your head around this referendum thing yet?
Joe: I did, aye.
Erin: And what do you think?
Joe: Hm. Oh, it doesn't matter what I think. Sure, I'm an old man. It's what you think that's important.
Erin: People died. Innocent people died, Granda. They were someone's mother, father, daughter, son. Nothing can ever make that OK. And the people who took those lives, they're just gonna walk free. You know, what if we do it, and it was all for nothing? What if we vote yes, and it doesn't even work?
Joe: And what if it does? What if no-one else has to die? What if all this becomes a... a ghost story you'll tell your wains one day? Hmm? A ghost story they'll hardly believe.

Boy: 10p mix, please.
Michelle: That'll be 12 pence.
Boy: 12 pence for a 10p mix?
Dennis: It's called inflation, dickhead.
Michelle: Now get out!

Sister Michael: Food for thought, there. The conflict here has led to so many terrible atrocities... and now we must add your play to that list. Just one message this morning, girls. Quite an important one. As Jenny's awful play just alluded to, a referendum is about to take place, the outcome of which could change the course of history. To those of you who have already turned 18, I strongly urge you to exercise your right to vote. It's your future. Take it seriously. On the other hand, and I cannot stress this enough, I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in any of your other so-called rights. I don't want to hear your thoughts on the workload, or the uniform, or the fact that you have to occasionally do my ironing. Our Lady Immaculate is not a democracy, it is a dictatorship. My house, my rules. Is that understood?
All: Yes, Sister Michael.
Sister Michael: In the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit...

Joe: They get rid of the British Army.
Aunt Sarah: What will happen to the barracks?
Joe: Now, there's no mention of the barracks.
Aunt Sarah: It would make a great wee shopping centre.
Joe: We get a new police force.
Aunt Sarah: Different uniforms as well, I hope. I mean if they want Catholics to join, they're gonna have to find something that works with our complexion.