Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Episode Three’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Derry Girls: Episode Three

103. Episode Three

Aired January 18, 2018

After the girls fail to study for a history exam, they latch onto an apparition to get them out of the test.

Quote from Michelle

Michelle: Christ, I feel a bit bokey. [Michelle opens the curtains]
Clare: Sweet sufferin' Jesus, it's the morning already! What are we going to do?
Michelle: Well, maybe we could start with calming the fuck down.
Clare: Calm down? We're still on William of Orange, Michelle! We haven't so much looked at the famine!
Michelle: We've got the gist. They ran out of spuds. Everyone was ragin'.
James: Well, I can't tell my rebellions from my risings.
Michelle: And whose fault's that? If your lot had stopped invading us for five fucking minutes there'd be a lot less to wade through, you English prick!

Rate

Quote from Granda Joe

Joe: You stay over too, son?
James: Yes, I did. That's correct, sir.
Joe: [looks at Erin] What, in your room? [to Gerry] Have you nothing to say about this, you slack southern shite? Look, love, I know the fella's gay...
James: I'm not gay.
Joe: But gay or not...
James: Who said I was gay?
Joe: ...he's still a fella. There's still a good chance that he's a rapist. I mean no offence, son.

Quote from Orla

Sarah: So what happens now, Peter?
Father Peter: Well, I think the next stage is Rome, audience with the big man.
Orla: Pavarotti!
Gerry: John-Paul II.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Are you sure you didn't just...
Michelle: Jesus, me too! She just smirked at me, too!
James: Why isn't she smirking at me?
Erin: She isn't smirking at anyone, James.
Orla: I just saw it, too! The holy smirk, thanks be to God!
Erin: You're imagining it.
Michelle: Three of us saw it, Erin, how do you explain that?
Erin: Sleep deprivation, Pernod, delusional personality disorder.

Quote from Erin

Erin: It's abuse. That's what it is, it's abuse. Does anybody have 10p? I'm ringin' ChildLine.
Michelle: You can't ring ChildLine every time your ma threatens to kill you, Erin.
Clare: Yeah, you can't waste Esther's time like that.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Would you listen? It was piss.
Michelle: What was?
Erin: The tears on the statue. Well, I actually have good reason to believe they were... actually dog piss.
James: No! You're not serious!
Erin: Deadly serious.
Clare: Sweet and gentle Jesus! I mean, that sort of makes sense. I'm not even sure I saw her smirk any more. I've had a lot of caffeine.
Michelle: I definitely didn't see her smirk. I was lying, so...
James: Excellent.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Bon bon? [eats one] What a day. God, this is really hard.
Father Peter: Oh, it's been incredible.
Erin: Were they always this hard?
Father Peter: You know, to tell you the truth, Erin, I've been having a bit of a crisis of faith recently.
Erin: That so? Seriously, it's like a jawbreaker.
Father Peter: It's been very challenging.
Erin: Really? Sorry, I'm gonna have to spit this out.

Quote from Sister Michael

Sister Michael: [on the phone] Could you put me through to sister Thomas, please? Tommy! How are ya? Yeah, not too bad. A retreat? I dunno. I have judo on Friday, don't like to miss it. I'll tell you why I'm ringing you, so we've had an alleged apparition here this morning. Well, it's in the weeping statue category. Sure, I know. Yeah, apparently there was a smirk as well. I mean, I'm not sure what Our Lady of the Sorrows has to be smirking about, but that's by the by.

Quote from James

Father Peter: Anyone else? Yes, James.
James: Is that a firm hold gel you're using there?
Father Peter: It's a mousse.
James: And where do you...
Father Peter: Hair and Flair.
James: Oh, I didn't realise!
Father Peter: They do a men's range, yes.

Quote from Michelle

Michelle: How do you know Our Lord doesn't think he's a dick?
Father Peter: Our Lord doesn't think anyone's a dick.
Michelle: I very much doubt that.
Father Peter: But it's the truth.
[later:]
Michelle: Marti Pellow.
Father Peter: No.
Michelle: Paddy Ashdown?
Father Peter: No.
Michelle: Your man from Funhouse.
Clare: Pat Sharp.
Michelle: Pat Sharp. Pat Sharp's definitely a dick.

Quote from Sister Michael

Mary: I also have a question, pretty boy. Why are you encouraging all this?
Father Peter: I wouldn't say I'm encouraging it, I'm just open to the possibility.
Mary: Well, I'm not. Not unless I see some cold, hard evidence.
Father Peter: And maybe it's there. Proof at last, Peter, proof at last.
Mary: Is he all right?
Sister Michael: I wouldn't say so, no. He's a priest, like.

Quote from Orla

Michelle: It is mental out there. Everybody's talking about it! Dennis gave me free pick and mix! Bon bons an' all. No fucking about, like! We're basically celebrities now. We're like The Corrs.
Orla: Can I be Jim?

Quote from Erin

Erin: I was going to tell yous all later, but then Peter showed up and there was just this instant connection, like a spark.
Michelle: There was no spark, Erin.
Erin: He said I was special.
Michelle: He also said your dead pet had been fucking resurrected, so, you know, pinch of salt.
Erin: Yes. And now he's talking about digging him up, and when he does, he'll realise that Toto has not in fact been resurrected. He'll realise that Toto is just dead. Very, very dead, and we've all been talking shite.

Quote from James

James: Peter! Peter, Peter, where are you going? Peter, wait. I've got the most amazing news. I've had a calling. I've decided to follow in your footsteps. I've decided to serve God.
Father Peter: Don't be such a dick, James.

Quote from Erin

Michelle: So he's just gonna pack in the priesthood now, is he? Like, completely?
Erin: Well, you can't exactly go part-time.
Orla: All because of us.
Erin: Not all because of us, Orla. I mean, a bit because of us. But mostly because it turns out he had a connection with one of the colourists in Hair and Flair, who does our Sarah's forwards, by the way. And apparently she's a dirty tramp. So, you know, good luck with that, Peter.
Michelle: At least your ma was all right with dog piss gate. I thought she was gonna go fucking nuts.
Erin: Let me put it this way. I have locked my mother in a cage designed by her own art. Oh, she has been well and truly hoist by her own petard.
Michelle: Could you put it another way? I didn't understand a word of that.
Erin: I'm sort of blackmailing her.
Michelle: Oh, happy days.

Quote from Clare

[Erin, James, Orla and Michelle kneel down next to Clare in front of the statue]
Michelle: I'm not gonna bother with any "never sin again" material, cos let's face it, we've been there before. You know it's balls, I know it's balls.
Clare: [gasps] Oh, my God!
Erin: What is it?
Clare: She... She... I saw with my own eyes!
Erin: Saw what?
Clare: She smirked!
Michelle: Who? Big M?
Clare: Aye. She just smirked at me.

Quote from Orla

Orla: Don't cry, Erin. He's in a better place now. Unless he's not, you know. Unless he's gone to hell.

Quote from Aunt Sarah

Mary: Well, that's that done.
Joe: God rest his wee soul.
Sarah: Don't talk to me. I was in bits las tonight. Didn't even manage my Chinese. Poor Tonto.
Erin: Toto. His name was Toto, Aunt Sarah.
Sarah: Aye. Nightmare, so it is. Dad, do us a bacon butty, would you? My stomach thinks my throat's cut here.
Joe: Sure, love.

Quote from Granda Joe

Gerry: Jesus, the pets are getting it left, right and centre at the minute. Maureen Malarkey's Tigger just passed away.
Joe: We do not utter that woman's name in this house.
Mary: Da, not the bingo thing, still!
Joe: She's a cheating old bitch!
Erin: How can you cheat at bingo, Granda?
Joe: Her nephew brought her this pen back from New Jersey. It changes the numbers. I'm telling ya, it's witchcraft, Mary!
Mary: I'll hear no more about the magic pen!

Quote from Ma Mary

Mary: Now, come on, girls, eat up. You'll need all your energy for the big exam.
Clare: We'll need a miracle for the big exam!
Erin: Mammy... what happened to Toto... it's just hit me so hard. And... I'm worried it might affect my performance.
Mary: Oh, come here, love. Look, if you fail the exam, I promise you, there'll be a nice wee plot out there with your name on it.

Page 2 


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode