206. The President
Aired April 9, 2019
As Christmas approaches, excitement grows in Derry over the impending visit of President Bill Clinton. Meanwhile, James has his own surprise visitor.
Quote from Da Gerry
Joe: I won't miss my chance! Not again! You hear me, boy?
Gerry: What the hell is he planning to do?
Mary: When JFK came to Dublin, Uncle Colm met him, and Daddy didn't.
Joe: Things are gonna be different this time, I tell you.
Gerry: JFK spoke to Colm? Christ, that man didn't have much luck, did he?
Quote from Uncle Colm
Colm: This Clinton boyo is actually America's 42nd president, which is interesting now, because JFK, well, he was the 35th.
Joe: Why is that interesting?
Colm: Well, I suppose it's not really. Sometimes I'll just say something to get me from one sentence to the other, Joe, you know how it is.
Jim: It should be just up here on the left.
Colm: I'm not sure what number Nixon was, now. Or your man, what do you call him, the beardy fella in the hat. The one who knocked the aul slavery on the head?
Colm: The very boy. But then there was the 27th... [time lapse] America's 30th. And then there was the lad they named all the vacuum cleaners after.
Gerry: Jesus wept.
Quote from Aunt Sarah
Sarah: Tell me this, wains. How were the eyebrows?
Erin: What do you mean?
Sarah: The eyebrows. Were they looking well?
Erin: I didn't really notice her eyebrows.
Sarah: Cathy Maguire had the best eyebrows in Derry back in her day. She'd could have given Joan Crawford a run for her money. Isn't that right, Mary?
Mary: I've no time for Cathy Maguire. The woman abandoned her own wain, Sarah. She always was one cold, self-serving wee madam.
Sarah: I'm not talking about her. I'm talking about her eyebrows. Cathy and her eyebrows are two separate entities.
Mary: All right, don't be getting worked up.
Sarah: Well, I just think you should be able to compliment a woman's eyebrows without having her personality dragged into it.
Quote from Uncle Colm
Erin: It's Uncle Colm!
Gerry: Dear God, no.
Mary: Everything all right, Colm?
Colm: Oh, God, aye. Well, the aul knee's giving me a bit of jip, but sure I'll not bore you with the details.
Gerry: I doubt that.
Colm: I felt a twinge there this morning and I says to myself, says I, "Colm, you'll have to get that seen to. You can't let that go." For, and you'll maybe not remember this girls, but Maggie Murphy felt a twinge on a Monday, and on Thursday of the very same week, sure didn't she drop dead at the bingo. And her sitting on a full house, too. But sure, you can't take it with you, as they say. God rest her soul.
Quote from Orla
Clare: She can't do this. She simply cannot do this.
Michelle: Well, she's done it, Clare.
Clare: But it's history! She's making us miss history!
Orla: Och, but I really wanted to find out what that Cromwell fella got up to next. I really enjoy him.
Clare: Not history class, Orla! Real history! History being made!
Erin: And Irish people aren't allowed to enjoy Oliver Cromwell, Orla.
Michelle: Because he was a fucking arsehole.
Quote from Ma Mary
Mary: Christ, I'm at my wits' end!
Gerry: Firstly, he's not coming to Derry until tomorrow.
Mary: Have you see the heck of those skirting boards, Gerry? I'd need a week to tackle them.
Gerry: And secondly, I think it's unlikely he'll call to our house.
Mary: He might call, Gerry.
Sarah: Aye, he might take a notion.
Gerry: I think presidential visits are quite carefully planned. I'm not sure there's an awful lot of room for notion-taking.
Mary: Hope you're right, Gerry. For it's like Beirut in here. I mean, when was the last time these were bleached? I couldn't hand Hillary that.
Sarah: I'd say she keeps her place shining, Mary.
Mary: Sure she'd put you to shame.
Quote from Sister Michael
Sister Michael: Just one announcement today, girls. I'm sure many of you have guessed what it's about. Although tomorrow is not officially a public holiday, schools across the city have decided to view it as such. Because tomorrow, the President of the United States of America is coming here, to Derry. You're a little young to perhaps understand the enormity of this. A few short months ago, this would have been unimaginable. But here we are. And I for one can barely believe it. I mean, people in this place stop killing each other for five minutes and the whole world loses the absolute run of itself. This visit concerns me for a number of reasons, girls, but mostly because I am scared it will give the Pope ideas, and that's the last thing I need. No. Our Lady Immaculate will play no part in this farce. And I expect to see you all here tomorrow morning, business as usual. Is that clear? Is that clear?
Sister Michael: The Father, Son, Holy Spirit.
Quote from Granda Joe
Jim: Look, Colm's met JFK. He has experience with presidents, he'll know what to do.
Joe: No chance! I'm sorry, Colm, but you can't be part of this. If you meet Bill Clinton, you'll be a president up. You'll have two presidents to my one. I cannot have you getting ahead of me, president-wise.
Sarah: One of his presidents is dead, Daddy.
Joe: It still counts.
Joe: I'll only have to even things up again.
Jim: Ssh, Joe!
Joe: I can't spend the rest of my life traipsing around after bloody presidents. I've other things to be at, girls.
Quote from Uncle Colm
Colm: And Kennedy, of course, the poor critter.
Colm: Lovely fella. Hands on him like shovels.
Gerry: How the feck are we back in the same fecking place!
Joe: What's going on?
Gerry: I've driven 178 miles and I'm back where I was five fecking hours ago, Joe, that's what's going on!
Joe: You stupid bloody eejit.
Colm: Thon Reagan character, he was another.
Gerry: Stop listing presidents, Colm!
Joe: He'll list presidents if he wants to list presidents!
Quote from Michelle
Michelle: She only thinks about herself, James. And when it doesn't work out, what then?
James: It will work out! Anyway, it's not like I belong here. I never did.
Michelle: That's not true. You're a Derry Girl now, James.
James: Piss off.
Michelle: I'm serious. It doesn't matter that you've got that stupid accent, or that your bits are different to my bits, but because being a Derry Girl, well, it's a fucking state of mind. And you're one of us.
James: I have to do this.
Michelle: But I don't want you to.
James: She's my mum, Michelle.
Michelle: Well, fuck off, then!