Michelle Mallon Quotes Page 1 of 7

Quote from Episode Three

Michelle: Christ, I feel a bit bokey. [Michelle opens the curtains]
Clare: Sweet sufferin' Jesus, it's the morning already! What are we going to do?
Michelle: Well, maybe we could start with calming the fuck down.
Clare: Calm down? We're still on William of Orange, Michelle! We haven't so much looked at the famine!
Michelle: We've got the gist. They ran out of spuds. Everyone was ragin'.
James: Well, I can't tell my rebellions from my risings.
Michelle: And whose fault's that? If your lot had stopped invading us for five fucking minutes there'd be a lot less to wade through, you English prick!

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Quote from Episode Four

Michelle: Ssh! You'll scare Clive!
James: Who's Clive?
Michelle: Clive. Clive is a wee Prod from East Belfast. Clive came back from Ibiza, got on the wrong bus at Aldergrove Airport, then fell asleep. Clive woke up in Derry, surrounded by Russians and Fenians. Clive is absolutely shitting himself.
Erin: So where's the real Artem?
Michelle: Giant's Causeway, probably. Foreigners fucking love the Giant's Causeway.
Clive: I just want to go home! But she won't let me leave! She won't let me leave.
Michelle: I also think Clive may have had too many disco biscuits on his holidays.
Clare: [enters] Here you are!
Clive: Thank God! [hugs Clare in her Union Jack top] Whatever you do, don't slag off the Pope. We're outnumbered.

Quote from Across the Barricade

Clare: OK, how much money do we have?
Michelle: Look the riding of the Protestants is one thing, but I really don't see why we have to buy them a present. I mean, they already have all the land, all the jobs and all the fucking rights.
Erin: Aye, Michelle, that's definitely the attitude we should have entering into this weekend.

Quote from Episode One

Michelle: Well, come on, then, ball-ache. Are you introducing yourself, or what?
James: Hi. I'm Michelle's cousin, James.
Orla: Why's he making that funny noise?
Michelle: He's English, Orla. That's the way they talk. He's my Auntie Kathy's wain. I told you about my Auntie Kathy. She went to England years ago to have an abortion. Never came back. Never got the abortion, either. Lucky for you, James, eh?
James: I didn't actually know that.

Quote from Episode One

Solider: Everyone remain seated!
James: What's going on?
Michelle: I dunno. But do you think if I told him I had an incendiary device down my knickers, he'd have a look?
Erin: Michelle, he's a soldier.
Michelle: Ach, some of them are all right. I'm willing to admit it, even if nobody else will, because I'm a beacon of truth, Erin.
Erin: You're a mouth, that's what you are.

Quote from The Curse

Michelle: These aren't any old scones, girls. These are funny scones.
Orla: Aye, they do look like good craic, in fairness.
Erin: Funny scones?
Clare: They're drug scones! She's put the drugs in the scones!
Michelle: Too fucking right I have! I wanted to do brownies but this was the only recipe my Ma had, so...
Clare: We talked about this, Michelle. We agreed.
Michelle: No, we didn't. Anyway, drugs aren't illegal when you put them in food. Everybody knows that.
James: Is that right? I'm not sure that's right.
Maureen Malarkey: Any cups up here? I'll take that.
Michelle: What the fuck just happened?!

Quote from The Curse

Clare: What are we gonna do?! What in under God are we gonna do?!
Michelle: It's fine.
Clare: It's definitely not fine! There's drug scones down there! If people eat the drug scones then we'll have drugged those people, Michelle!
Michelle: So? Drugging people isn't a crime.
James: You've a very loose grasp of the law, Michelle.
Erin: What kind of person brings hash scones to a wake?
Michelle: Typical. I try and do a nice thing and this is the thanks I get.
Clare: It's terrible. There's old people down there. What if an old person takes one?
Michelle: Why does everybody get so sentimental about old people?! Old people are arseholes!

Quote from Episode One

Michelle: Motherfuckers! "Motherfucker" is my new thing. Watched this film last night. My dad got it off Pyro Pauline, and it's about these two lads, and they wear these cracking suits and they rock about, just shooting people and eating cheeseburgers, and they're all, "Motherfucker this, motherfucker that." It's got your man in it. What do you call him? The disco dancer from Look Who's Talking.

Quote from Episode One

Erin: What's he doing here?
Michelle: Kathy's just got divorced, so she's moved back. The husband caught her doing the dirt on him. She's a bit of a goer, is our Kathy, riding rings around him, so she was. Ain't that right, James?
Erin: No, I mean here, at our bus stop.
Michelle: Oh, he's going to our school.
Erin: But he's a fella. An effeminate fella, but a fella all the same.
Michelle: Everyone was shitting it about sending him to the boys' school. They were worried that the lads would beat him up because, well...
All: He's English.
Michelle: Mm, and you couldn't really blame them, I suppose. Our carriage awaits, motherfuckers.

Quote from Episode One

James: I can't find the boys' toilets anywhere.
Michelle: It's an all-girls school, dick face. There are no boys' toilets.
James: So should I just use the girls' toilets?
Michelle: No, you should not, you fucking pervert.

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