John: Ah, Miss Tortelli, there you are, an hour behind schedule, I see. You're as prompt as you are lovely.
Carla: What do you want, Hill? And by the way, you have your toupee on wrong. The hair goes on the outside.
John: Miss Tortelli, I'm here to remind you that this wedding must be over by 11:30 on the dot. That's when I open for lunch.
Carla: You open for lunch at noon.
John: I know your family. They leave at 11:30, at 11:31 the Orkin man arrives. And please also remind your guests that even though this is a wedding, it is still a restaurant. No shoes, no shirt, no service.

John: Well, Mr. Malone, since we're going to be neighbors, I brought a little gift for your tavern.
Sam: Oh! Look at that. Hey, all right. It's a welcome mat with a duck on it. Look at that. Well, we've never really used a doormat before.
Carla: Well, not counting Clavin.
Sam: Do you, uh... Do you think this kind of thing goes in a sports bar?
John: Oh...
Woody: Well, back in Hanover, duck hunting is considered one of the manliest of sports. We used to do it all the time.
Sam: You- You actually shot ducks, Woody?
Woody: Oh, no. It was just an excuse for the guys to get together and drink hot cocoa and blow those little quacker dealies, right? I had the best one. I made it out of a Good and Plenty box.
John: He's cute. Does he come with his own dueling banjo?

John: Sam?
Sam: God, I hate it when he says that. What? What? What're you gonna nitpick this time? What, am I mixing my drinks too loud? Am I using the wrong kind of lightbulb? Oh, excuse me, maybe some of my bar air accidentally wafted up to your establishment.
John: Sam, you're on the defensive.
Sam: I'm not on the defensive, and you say that again, I'm gonna pull the last three hairs off your head.
John: Sam, I merely came down to apologize for my intrusive behavior earlier today.
Sam: Really?
John: Yes. I know I'd be resentful if someone implied that I should run my business in a particular way. It was out of line for me to do so with you.
Sam: Oh. Well, thank you. I'm sorry, I am a little defensive.
John: Well, no harm done. In fact, to clear the air, I'd like to buy a round of drinks for everyone here. [cheers] Here you are, Sam. [removes coupon books] I think this should cover it. Oh, and I'd like one of your special martinis I've heard so much about. Oh, I'm out of coupons. Well, then, never mind.

John: Sam, as we both know, I own legal title to your poolroom and both bathrooms.
Sam: Hey, why do you keep repeating that every time you come down here? You're driving me up the wall.
John: That's why. Now where was l? Oh, yes, as you know, I own legal title to your poolroom and both bathrooms, and rent on said property is past due since last Wednesday. I hope you haven't forgotten me, Sam.
Sam: Forgotten you? John, I could never forget you. You're in my bad dreams every night. You're the reason why I'm in therapy for the first time in my life.
John: Well, don't forget to mention to your therapist that I own legal title to y...
Sam: All right, all right, all right, all right. I'll write you your stupid check.

John: [sing-songy] Sa-am.
Carla: What are you doing down here, Hill? Hair Club For Men meeting?
John: Oh, I didn't see you down there, Miss Tortelli. Although frankly you do... [sniffs] announce your presence.
Carla: So, have you decided what color you're going to dye your head for Easter?
John: Why don't you just scuttle under the office door and get Sam?
Carla: [shouts] Sam, Hill's here!
John: Don't tell me. Pizza for lunch?

Sam: What, what do you want?
John: My busboy informs me that the Dumpsters are full.
Sam: Our Dumpsters are full. What's the big problem?
John: Aha! They are not our Dumpsters. They are my Dumpsters. If that's confusing, perhaps I'll have a likeness of your face painted on the Dumpster with a bold line drawn through it. In fact, I'll do that anyway just for a giggle. Perhaps I'll have buttons made up. I'll make it a whole thing.

Sam: Ah, Hill.
John: Uh, Sam, you wanted to see me?
Sam: Yeth, I did. What do you think that is?
John: Well, it looks like some kind of animal tooth, Sam.
Sam: Is my tooth. I broke it on your salad. And I want you to know I will see you in court.
John: Oh.
Sam: Yeah.
John: Good heavens, this is frightening. I'm being sued. By Elmer Fudd. Listen, Sam, I don't recall selling you any crab salad. And I don't recall you being in my restaurant. What I do remember is that I gave Woody some leftovers, and you can't sue me for that. Incidentally, Sam, you're drooling.
Sam: That guy dwives me cwazy.

Rebecca: Oh, gee, John. I think that stain is gonna set in here.
John: I'm willing to throw caution to the wind and say I'll risk my carpet.
Rebecca: We really need to put something on it.
John: Very well. How about us?
Rebecca: Eww... Oh. I mean, as enchanting as that offer is, John, I- I really think club soda would be more effective.
John: Oh, you're into club soda, are you?
Rebecca: No, not really, I just... [softly] What can that possibly mean?

John: Sam, it appears we have a problem. Do you know what this is?
Sam: Yeah. Yeah, it looks like a manicure. Nice one, too. Wait. Is that a Is that clear polish, or are they just buffed?
John: They're just clean.

Sam: Oh, no, no, no. This is not gonna happen here. Listen, if you want to sell these rooms to somebody, sell them to me. I mean, whatever she offered you, I'll pay more.
John: Oh, really?
Sam: Why? Wait a minute. What- What did she offer you?
Rebecca: I offered him the $25,000 my father gave me.
John: Sam, do you have a father?
Rebecca: Hold it. Excuse me. Wait a minute. You accepted my deal. You said, "Yes."
John: "Yes" can mean so many things.
Sam: You see, you see what she's trying to do here, don't you, John? I mean, if she gets a hold of those bathrooms and the pool room, she, she'll take the whole bar from me and she's gonna ruin me.
John: Oh, I'm all a tingle.