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Bad Neighbor Sam

‘Bad Neighbor Sam’

Season 9, Episode 10 -  Aired November 15, 1990

Sam is irritated by the pompous new proprietor of Melville's, John Allen Hill. Meanwhile, Woody fears that Kelly is cheating on him in France.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Um... Excuse me, I was, uh... I was sitting, uh... sitting there?
Man: Oh, there was no one here when we came in.
Norm: No, I mean, yesterday. And I mean, really since the Ford administration.
Man: We're just waiting for our table up in Melville's.
Norm: So you'll move?
Man: Look, there's lots of other stools.
Norm: Um... [chuckles slightly] Um... [clears throat] Look, uh, um... Sounds kind of silly... I'm, uh... I'm Norm.
Man: I'm Jeffrey, and this is Hillary.
Woman: Nice to meet you. What do you do, Norm?
Norm: I sit there.


Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Sam! Sam! Sam, stop it. Relax. Listen, don't let your anger get the better of you. That's the worst thing you can do in a business situation.
Sam: Well, maybe you're right. I don't know. It just... You know, it seems to me like he's turning our bar into well, into something Diane would have liked.
Frasier: All right, Sam. You hold him, I'll hit him.

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: Well, Mr. Malone, since we're going to be neighbors, I brought a little gift for your tavern.
Sam: Oh! Look at that. Hey, all right. It's a welcome mat with a duck on it. Look at that. Well, we've never really used a doormat before.
Carla: Well, not counting Clavin.
Sam: Do you, uh... Do you think this kind of thing goes in a sports bar?
John: Oh...
Woody: Well, back in Hanover, duck hunting is considered one of the manliest of sports. We used to do it all the time.
Sam: You- You actually shot ducks, Woody?
Woody: Oh, no. It was just an excuse for the guys to get together and drink hot cocoa and blow those little quacker dealies, right? I had the best one. I made it out of a Good and Plenty box.
John: He's cute. Does he come with his own dueling banjo?

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Look, uh, this is... This is... [Norm clears his throat] Yeah. We're runnin' out of time here. He's- He's already two stages beyond anything I've seen before, so I- I think you'd better give him the stool.
Man: I'm- l'm sorry. We're sitting here.
[Norm grunts and falls to the floor with a thud]
Cliff: Norm? Norm! Norm!
[As a crowd forms. Cliff and Norm break through the hubbub to take their seats at the bar]
Cliff: Uh, what's all the commotion about?
Norm: Who cares? Set 'em up, Wood.

Quote from Sam

John: Sam, I'm sensing hostility here, and, frankly, it hurts me. I mean, especially since I came down to do you a favor.
Sam: Oh. Uh, well, I'm sorry. Uh, what's that?
John: I wanted to give you the number of the impound lot where your automobile has been towed.
Sam: What?
John: Well, you parked in my space again, and I had to have it taken away.
Sam: You towed my Vette?!
Frasier: Sam. Sam.
Sam: He towed my Vette. Well, all right. I'm just I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you and your customers to no longer use my stairs.
John: Don't you think that's a little drastic?
Sam: No, I don't. I think it's quite fair. I mean, it's not like I'm scratching their chrome with a giant metal hook!

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, God! Oh, he's making me insane! Oh!
Carla: I'd say that scream makes it official. Woody, who won the pool?
Woody: Well... Oh, Sam, you aren't gonna believe this. The winner of the $200 is our friendly new neighbor, John A. Hill.
Sam: [grunts] [yells] He gets paid $200 to make me insane? No, he can't get away with this. No, this is not fair. I'll tell you something, I'm gonna make him take down that brick wall, brick by brick, with his own little polished fingernails. I need... I need to get back. I need revenge. Ooh, yes, yes. The mat. The stupid mat. I've always hated this mat. This is a mat from hell. [tries to rip it] Never mind. Never mind. Where's my sledgehammer? Yeah, die you stupid duck. [grunting]
Carla: Sammy. You're not making a dent in it.
Sam: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Watch this. [laughs] [pants] Burn, Donald, burn. [laughs] It won't burn. Say, this is a pretty good mat, isn't it? I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take this home for myself. I'm gonna bring back one of those cheap ones, the kind that wear out all the time, and then he'll have to replace it himself every month. I win!

Quote from John Allen Hill

Sam: Uh, things have just gotten too far out of hand here. I mean, come on, we're neighbors. We need to, well, we need to learn to live together. We- We need each other.
John: I don't need you.
Sam: Oh, God, you're evil. I can't fight the evil. I- I- I give up, Mr. Hill. You know, the funny thing is, I... When I got my bar back just recently, I thought, "Hey, Sam, you're on top of the world here. Your life's finally turning around. You're in charge of your own destiny." But I was wrong. You have my bathrooms, Mr. Hill. You hold all the cards. You're everything. You're God. I'm nothing. Here's your rent.
John: I'm sorry, Sam, I was wrong. I don't want your money.
Sam: You don't?
John: No, I just want you to make that speech to me in public every month when your rent is due.
Sam: No, no. I was wrong, you're not God. You're- You're some big petty, mean nothing. I'll tell you know I'm gonna give you your rent every month, and every month from here on out, and I'll tell you, every time I do I'm gonna write right down here on the memo part, "You're not God." There. How do you like that?
John: Well, you certainly put me in my place. I'll just, uh, take your money and go.
Sam: Yeah. Good, good.
John: Oh, by the way, when I came in, I noticed they were towing your car again.
Sam: What for? I didn't park in your space.
John: No, but it was in a fire lane. I don't make the rules. I just notify the authorities when they're broken.

Quote from Lilith

Carla: Oh, Lilith. Boy, am I happy to see you.
Lilith: And l, as ever, you.
Carla: You know, I was cleanin' out my garage, and I was gonna toss a whole bunch of old toys into the Dumpster, and then I thought, "Oh, heck, maybe the Crane kid would like 'em."
Lilith: Oh, goodie! War toys.
Carla: Yeah. Get a load of these, huh?
Lilith: Ah. Little tin Confederate soldiers so my child can have the fun of reliving the carnage and agony of the Civil War.
Carla: You bet. My Gino once did a battle of Gettysburg using these and a can of tomato bisque soup.
Lilith: Oh! Here's a cute little dolly.
Carla: Yeah. If you run her along the bar, she screams, and sparks fly out of her eyes.
Lilith: Carla, these toys are inappropriate. I fear that a child who spent his time playing with them would be in grave danger of developing severe personality disorders, possibly bordering on the psychotic.
Frasier: Wow! Spark Head! God, I used to love this when I was a kid! Hey, guess who Sid and Gladys ran into the other day! Hank and Marilyn! [imitates squeaking and thudding] Through the windshield! Aah! Aah! Skidding on the pavement! [laughs]
Lilith: See? Do I want my son to grow up like that?

Quote from Woody

Norm: So, who do you suppose took those snapshots, Wood?
Woody: Oh, probably her roommate, Cindy Ann.
Carla: Hmm. Well, I- I don't know, Woody. There's a thumb in this picture. Either it's a man's thumb, or little Cindy Ann could use a big bottle of Nair for Christmas.
Woody: I can't believe it. This is a man's thumb. She's having some hairy French guy take sexy pictures of her! All right, well, two can play at this game. I'm gonna have some hairy French guy take pictures of me.

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: I'm John Hill, your new upstairs neighbor.
Sam: Oh, hi.
John: And you must be Sam Malone.
Sam: Yeah. How'd you know?
John: My hatcheck girl described your hair. She didn't do it justice.
Sam: Ah. Well, it's kind of a hobby.
John: The joy it must bring you.

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