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‘Loathe and Marriage’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Loathe and Marriage

1115. Loathe and Marriage

Aired February 4, 1993

After Carla's daughter Serafina (Leah Remini) announces she is getting married, the ceremony runs into a hitch when her father, Nick Tortelli (Dan Hedaya) shows up uninvited.

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: People, people, it's getting late. Now no one admires the sight of a beautiful young bride more than l, but the lunch rush is the lunch rush.
Sam: Say John, I... I bet you'd like to meet Carla's first husband.
John: [takes a look at Nick] Oh, my God!
Nick Tortelli: Nice to meet you. [offers his hand]
John: Please. My profession requires that I handle food.

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Quote from Nick Tortelli

Nick Tortelli: Don't worry about it, Sam. I'll handle it. Carla, at times, can be very obdurate. She also can be very recalcitrant, intransigent and immovable.
Loretta: Nicky got one of those word-a-day calendars. We played word games all the way from Las Vegas. I'm insipid.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, Sam. Sorry I'm late. Had to stop at the drug store.
Sam: That's okay, Woody.
Woody: Yep. Had to make another embarrassing trip to the drug store to get a little, uh...
Sam: Protection?
Woody: Yeah. You know, Kelly and I want to have a family and all, but we figured we'd wait until after that raise you promised.
Sam: Hope you got a lot of protection.
Woody: Well, as usual, you know, I'm a little embarrassed and nervous when I go in there, so I buy a whole bunch of stuff so it doesn't look like I'm just trying to get some... you know.
Sam: Protection.
Woody: Yeah. So I got some paper plates, batteries, flashbulbs, Skol, some gum, Chia Pet... oh, eyeglass repair kit. Yeah. Oh, notebook paper and VO5.
Sam: Where's the, uh where's the protection?
Woody: See you in about an hour, Sam. [puts on sunglasses]

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sit down. Sit down. Oh, God... First of all, are you getting sick in the morning?
Serafina: A little bit, but I haven't had to "Clavin," if that's what you mean.

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: Ah, Miss Tortelli, there you are, an hour behind schedule, I see. You're as prompt as you are lovely.
Carla: What do you want, Hill? And by the way, you have your toupee on wrong. The hair goes on the outside.
John: Miss Tortelli, I'm here to remind you that this wedding must be over by 11:30 on the dot. That's when I open for lunch.
Carla: You open for lunch at noon.
John: I know your family. They leave at 11:30, at 11:31 the Orkin man arrives. And please also remind your guests that even though this is a wedding, it is still a restaurant. No shoes, no shirt, no service.

Quote from Woody

Cliff: Uh, hey, Woody, what'd you get for the happy couple?
Woody: Ah, well, strictly between you and me, went up in the attic, dug up one of our wedding gifts. One of the ugliest things I ever saw. We couldn't wait to get rid of it.
Cliff: Ah, yeah, so you just thought you'd, uh, pass it on to the happy couple, huh? Good thinking. So, uh, what is it?
Woody: Oh, a set of Star Trek steak knives.
Frasier: Woody, damn it! That gift was from Lilith and me! They're delightfully whimsical and- and very utilitarian.
Woody: Uh, l- l'm sorry Dr. Crane. I didn't realize.
Frasier: Well, all right, Woody. To tell you the truth, l... I was doing the same thing you were doing. Fobbing off a gift that we thought was the worst thing we ever got.
Norm: Thanks a lot, Fras. That was from Vera and me.
Cliff: You and Vera gave those away? You better not tell Ma.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Norm: So, uh, Nick, what have you been up to lately, huh?
Nick Tortelli: Oh, uh, well, we still live in the glamorous environs of Las Vegas, although we recently did move.
Loretta: We didn't like our old neighborhood, so we just drove our house to a better one.
Cliff: Oh, uh, so how's the career going, Nick? Last time we chatted, you were talking about marketing some kind of a, slot machine for the home.
Nick Tortelli: Oh yeah, "Flush and Win." It was a great idea. The only problem is that people had a difficult time retrieving their change. Yeah, but I'm onto something very big now. And this is an opportunity for me to include you, my friends, in this future affluence.
Norm: Well, you know how I hate to be apart from Vera...
Nick Tortelli: Wait, wait, sit, sit, hear me out. I know I've had some crazy schemes in the past, but this is then and that was then and this is now. This is completely legit. I have an opportunity, to purchase, an orang-utan act.
Frasier: Did he say "purchase" or "join"?
Nick Tortelli: Just need a couple of backers. Hear this: three apes, some banana oil, and a broad that's had all her shots.
Norm: Nicky, we missed you, lad.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Uh, Carla, look, I know what you're going through. I mean, you've sacrificed your whole life for your kids and now, on the big day, Nick swoops in and tries to hog all the glory. Look, it happens all the time. One parent uses the child as leverage against the other.
Carla: Really, Doc?
Frasier: Oh, yes, yes. Often in a broken marriage the child becomes nothing more than, a helpless pawn in the war between the two adults. Of course that hasn't happened with, with Lilith and myself because she's gone. But, uh, she'll be back. Oh, I know she'll be back, you know why? 'Cause I have Frederick. Yes, sir, he's my little trump card.
Sam: Thank you very much.
Frasier: He is, you know. I have a plan. [laughs evilly]

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Nick Tortelli: Carla, look at our kid out there. She's pregnant, married to a retired cop. We must have done something right.
Carla: Yeah. Maybe our other kids will turn out okay, too.
Nick Tortelli: That is my most fervent wish.
Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, just a second. Mr. Tortelli, it's for you.
Nick Tortelli: For me? [takes the phone] Hello. What?! What?! When?! [yelling] All right, I'll be on it! Loretta, let's go!
Woody: What's the matter?
Nick Tortelli: One of the orang-utans went nuts and bit a kid. I've got to rush to Vegas before they put him to sleep.
Woody: The orang-utan or the kid?
Nick Tortelli: I didn't ask.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Nick Tortelli: Your mother doesn't feel I belong here. She says I'm unwelcome.
Serafina: Mother, you can't send Daddy away on the most important day of my life.
Carla: Listen, Serafina, you've gotta understand...
Serafina: No, this is not about you. It's about me. My wedding, my day.
Nick Tortelli: Have a nice life, baby.
Serafina: Wait one minute, Daddy. Look, Ma, I know all the things you've done for me. I know you don't like Daddy, but like him or not, he is my dad. I know he's been a bad father. Never around when you need him, a louse, a jerk, a liar, a deadbeat.
Nick Tortelli: You tell her, honey.

Quote from Carla

Serafina: Thanks, Ma. You won't regret this. And listen, Pat and I are gonna pay for the whole thing.
Carla: Oh, no, no, no, no, you are my daughter, and you're in love, and I'm gonna make you the best reception I can. We're pulling out all the stops. You know, there is an elegant, tasteful restaurant upstairs, and as luck would have it, I am boinking the owner.

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: All right, Miss Tortelli, just what is it?
Carla: My daughter Serafina has just announced she's getting married.
John: Congratulations. When's the baby due?

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Cliff: Hey, uh, Nick, if you want somebody to invest in that, uh, act of yours there, for Vegas, you ought to go talk to blondie over there. Yeah, she's loaded.
Nick Tortelli: Thank you. Listen, you come to Vegas, you're comped. Excuse me, young man. Hello Miss. I'm Nick Tortelli.
Kelly: Hello. I'm Kelly Boyd.
Nick Tortelli: I can tell by your organda that you have taste and discernment.
Kelly: Thank you.
Nick Tortelli: Knock, knock.
Kelly: Who's there?
Nick Tortelli: Opportunity.
Kelly: Opportunity who?
Nick Tortelli: This is gonna take some time.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Serafina: Daddy, this is my fiance, Pat.
Pat McDougall: Nice to meet you, sir.
Nick Tortelli: Aw, enough of the chit-chat. Step into my office. How do you propose to, uh, support my progeny?
Pat McDougall: Well, I'm a retired police officer and currently living off disability.
Nick Tortelli: What is the nature of your injury?
Paul: Whiplash.
Nick Tortelli: Very good, difficult to disprove. Very bright.
Pat McDougall: Thank you, sir.
Nick Tortelli: Bright enough to invest?
Pat McDougall: Pardon me?
Nick Tortelli: Bright enough to place your future and the future of your entire progeny in the orang-utan act?

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Nick Tortelli: Carla, listen, l, I understand your feelings very well. I know some people probably thought I was a bad father and maybe I was and maybe I wasn't, and maybe I was. I speak to you from the bottom of my heart and guts, that these last few years without family has been very empty for me. All I've had is Loretta. No offense.
Loretta: None taken.
Nick Tortelli: I've come to learn that the most important thing is family. Yeah, I know, I come at this late date for Serafina's wedding, but I thought it would be a first step, in realigning myself with my offspring and then becoming truly a paternity figure. [Carla comes out of the office]
Carla: So you want to be a father. You want to get back in your kids' lives, huh?
Nick Tortelli: Absolutely.
Carla: Come over here. Let's go. Over here we have ten kids. Some of them are yours. Identify three, and you can stay. Otherwise you're out of here.
Nick Tortelli: Is this a test?
Carla: You're stalling.
Nick Tortelli: Ah... Give me some time to gather my momentum.

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