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‘My Son, the Father’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: My Son, the Father

1015. My Son, the Father

Aired January 16, 1992

When Carla's son Gino announces he is becoming a priest, she feels free to torment people without worring about God's wrath. Meanwhile, Cliff tries his hand at stand-up comedy.

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: Ah, Miss Tortelli, nice to see you again.
Carla: What're you doing down here, Hill? Hope you're not here to ask me for a date.
John: Date? Is that what you call it? I think we skipped dating, Miss Tortelli, and went straight to the fall of Rome. Tell me, is the rumor true your son's going to be a priest?
Carla: Yeah, what of it?
John: Well, I didn't realize you were Catholic. The only time I've heard you say anything remotely religious was that night a few weeks ago when you called me Zeus.
Carla: The hell I did.
John: You want me to run the videotape?

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Quote from Carla

Carla: [whimpering] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Frasier: Carla, you've been leaping out of your skin every time there's a clap of thunder. Surely you know it's simply static electricity being discharged into the atmosphere.
Carla: You are so naive!
Frasier: Carla, you've got to calm down.
Carla: You don't get it! I mocked God! And this is not like getting in trouble with your parents or your teachers or your boss. I mean, this is God! Famine, flood, pestilence, disease. Who do you think came up with that? [thunder rumbling] [moans] He is just toying with me now.
Frasier: Carla, you can't believe that God has a personal vendetta against you.
Carla: Look at my kids. Look at my husbands. Look at my life. What do you think?
Lilith: Uh, I don't think any major religion still propounds the theory of a vindictive God, who hurls thunderbolts and takes personal vengeance on people's transgressions. [thunder roaring] I believe that's for you.

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: You know, Carla never ceases to amaze me. She has a strange mixture of fervent religious faith and primitive superstition. I suppose it's a result of our ever-changing, mixed-up culture.
Lilith: I don't know that you should blame Carla's belief system on culture, Frasier. The need to worship higher intelligence is an innate and universal phenomenon. In fact, in recent weeks, it's become clear that my lab rats worship me as a goddess. I must confess, I don't discourage them.
Frasier: That's very interesting, dear. Apropos of nothing, uh, how many vacation days do you have coming?
Lilith: I don't know. Uh... 80, 85.
Frasier: Well, what do you say we cash 50, you spend a little time with, uh, some, oh I don't know, some people?

Quote from Sam

Frasier: Sam, just how much do you pay that boy?
Sam: I pay him a fair amount. See, Fras, I don't think you understand that a, a bartender's hourly wage is just a very small portion of his overall income. Most of it comes from... tips.
Frasier: I see. [Sam looks at Frasier] I won't bring it up again, Sam.
Sam: I think that'd be best.

Quote from Lilith

Cliff: Hey, everybody. You'll all be very happy to know that I am now a, uh, published humorist.
Frasier: Wow. The Post Office Newsletter. I hear that's tough to get into.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, I'll say. Yeah, they've been after me for quite some time now, and I finally gave them permission to, uh, print one of my "daffynitions."
Norm: All right, let's hear it. [others groan] What? Hey, hey, he was going to do it anyway. Don't make me the bad guy here.
Cliff: Here you go, uh Daffynition, Postal Increase: What happens to your feet after your finish your route. [Lilith chuckles]
Norm: Now, Lilith, you, uh, you thought that was funny?
Lilith: Oh, yes. You should see her at a Marx Brothers' movie.
Lilith: Isn't Zeppo hysterical? The way he just stands there without expression or reaction. Boy, that cracks me up.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: You know, uh, I've been thinking about Carla's son becoming priest. Get this, "My son, the father." Get it? "My son, the father." That's a rich comedy area, I'm telling you.
Frasier: Lord help me, I miss the "daffynitions."
Cliff: Oh, hey, do I hear a request? Okay. Daffynition. Psychiatrist: a guy who shrinks your head and your bank account.
Lilith: [chuckling] Ouch. Bull's-eye.
Cliff: Yeah, well, you know, I've got enough material for an entire stand-up comedy act. Okay, all right, uh... Why is it that women go to a "stylist" and men go to barbers? What's up with that?
Lilith: [chuckles] That's so true.

Quote from John Allen Hill

Sam: Ah, Hill.
John: Uh, Sam, you wanted to see me?
Sam: Yeth, I did. What do you think that is?
John: Well, it looks like some kind of animal tooth, Sam.
Sam: Is my tooth. I broke it on your salad. And I want you to know I will see you in court.
John: Oh.
Sam: Yeah.
John: Good heavens, this is frightening. I'm being sued. By Elmer Fudd. Listen, Sam, I don't recall selling you any crab salad. And I don't recall you being in my restaurant. What I do remember is that I gave Woody some leftovers, and you can't sue me for that. Incidentally, Sam, you're drooling.
Sam: That guy dwives me cwazy.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Sam, where have you been all afternoon?
Sam: Oh, just pacing back and forth with my sign, ruining John Hill's business. I saw him peeking out the window. I think he's ready to make a deal. How do you like my sign, huh?
Frasier: "I broke a tooth at Melville's. Ask me how." That's a very scary little spider holding the tooth there, Sam.
Sam: That's, uh... That's a crab actually.
Frasier: Crab. Well, looks like a spider.
Sam: You know, a lot of people said that, so I ended up changing the story. I told 'em, that there was this outbreak of poisonous spiders up at Melville's. It scared the hell out of 'em.

Quote from Cliff

Emcee: Uh, now for the final performer this evening, let's put our hands together for the merry mailman, Cliff Clavin. Come on, put 'em together.
Cliff: Hey. Oh, yeah, thanks. Uh, hi ya! So, uh, Boston audiences are the greatest audiences in the world. [silence; a few people leave] Uh, you know, I got this friend, uh, whose son is gonna become a priest. I know where this is going. "My son, the father." What's up with that? [silence]
Norm: I never thought I'd see a whole roomful of people not laughing at Cliff.
Cliff: Well, hey, let's see what topics we got in the ol' mailbag, huh? Hey, oh, uh, here's one. [a couple leave] Uh, anybody have a chance to call a TV repairman lately? What's up with that? [chuckles] [another couple leave, with only Norm & Paul left] Here's a doozy. Avon lady, ding dong. What's up with that?
Paul: Well, that's it for me. [exits]
Cliff: Well, I know, uh, seriously, folks, on-on a serious note I just want to say... drinking and driving. What's up with that? Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I've really enjoyed it, uh, and I gotta say this is the most love I've ever felt in one room in my life. Thank you. Thank you. [Norm claps]
Cliff: Normie, where'd everybody go?
Norm: There was a, uh, bomb scare.
Cliff: Really? Where?
Norm: Right about where you were standing.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, everybody, shut your yaps. My son has a big announcement to make. Okay, go on, Gino, tell them what you told me before in the car.
Gino: I said, "Ma, I think I want to be a priest."
Carla: Did you hear that? Did you hear that?! My kid is going to be a priest. Finally, when I visit one of my kids on Sunday, there's not going to be an inch of glass between us.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You know that if you have a kid who's a priest or a nun, you automatically get into Heaven. No questions asked.
Paul: Can I get a beer, Carla?
Carla: Ah. Paul, Paul... There! [cuts Paul's suspenders] [laughs] Isn't this great? Right now, God is shrugging and saying, "What can I do?"

Quote from Cliff

Rebecca: Oh, hey, Cliff. How'd it go at the club?
Cliff: Daffynition. Cliff Clavin: Stand-up comic. [Lilith laughs] It's not a joke, Lilith. That was my pain.
Lilith: [laughs] Oh, the topper. Excuse me, I have to go compose myself.
Rebecca: Well, Cliff, I guess you had to learn the hard way. But you know, maybe stand-up comedy is just something you don't have a knack for.
Cliff: Yeah. I don't know. I can't figure out what went wrong. I mean, the material was gangbusters. I wrote it myself. Must have been the audience. What's up with that? [chuckling] See? I still got it.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Well, congratulations, Gino. I'm happy for you.
Norm: Happy for him? That's not enough, Sam. This calls for a beer.
Sam: Come on, the guy's underage, Norm.
Norm: Oh, it's not for him. Can't I be happy for the lad?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Becs, what you doing?
Rebecca: Well, I'm trying to get these receipts ready for income tax time. Man, I wish you people would just write the dates on these things. Half of them I had to cross-reference against the register tape. It took me half the night to get these organized.
Carla: Gee, up all night. You could catch a chill. Here, let me warm you up. [blows hairdryer]
Rebecca: No! Don't! Stop it! You are evil!
Carla: That's right, all day long. And it doesn't matter, because my son is good, and I've got myself a get-out-of-Hell-free card.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Oh, oh, Becs, there you are. They just called for you. Apparently, there's been a horrible fire at your apartment.
Rebecca: Oh, right, Carla, you've been trying to get to me all day long. Just knock it off. It's not even funny anymore.
Carla: I'm being totally serious. I know this is the worst time for you to hear this kind of news from me. I know you don't believe me, but, really, I'm telling the truth. I wouldn't joke about something like that.
Rebecca: You're serious about this, aren't you?
Carla: Yeah, I am, Becs. I'm sorry.
Rebecca: Oh, my God! Everything I own. It's gone! Oh, dear! Woody, cover for me, please. I got to go out.
Woody: [crying] I'm too upset, Miss Howe. I just found out my whole apartment building burned down. [Carla laughs maniacally]
Rebecca: This is sick!
Carla: Yeah, but it's funny.
Rebecca: Carla, you have, you have to stop this now.
Carla: Or what? God'll smite me with his sword? He gets it halfway out, an angel taps him on his shoulder and says, "Hold it, her kid's a priest." God just stands there fuming.

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: Sam?
Sam: Stay for this. This should be fun. Yes, John?
John: Let's get down to brass tacks, Sam. Absurd as it may sound, you and your scary spider...
Sam: That's a crab. Crab.
John: Forgive me. You and your scary crab are driving my customers away, so let's settle this right now. I'll pay for your dental bill and add, say, uh, $500 in cash.
Sam: It's a deal. [they shake hands]
[John starts coughing after he eats a pretzel from the ber]
Sam: You all right, man?
John: There's a rock in your pretzel dish, Sam. That is deliberate negligence.
Sam: Oh, it is not! Come on, man, you put that there. I- Wha-
John: [takes a picture of Sam holding the pretzels and the rock] A picture is worth a thousand words, Sam.

Quote from Norm

Woody: Now, wait a minute. The lunch special upstairs at Melville's today is crab salad.
Norm: Yeah?
Woody: Yeah. It's delicious. If you ask Mr. Hill really, really nice, he'll give you your pick of the leftovers.
Norm: Leftovers? Woody, why don't you just go out back and crawl through the Dumpster, huh?
Woody: What for? All he throws back there is the food that clogs up his drain. You know, the, the greasy fried stuff.
[Norm and Paul look at each other]
Norm: Don't even think about it.
Paul: You were thinking the same thing.
Norm: Yeah, but not as long as you.
Paul: I have a problem, don't l?

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: I got an impersonation for you. An impression, ready? [speaks normally] I am not a crook. [Lilith chuckles]
Norm: Well, you guys know me. Home to see Vera.
Paul: I want to go, too, Norm. l, I heard so many good things.
Frasier: Oh, please don't leave me.
Cliff: Yeah, you know, I was, uh, watching this commercial on TV with the Ginsu knives. Hey, what's up with that?
Lilith: [chuckles] I hate that commercial. This is good stuff.
Frasier: You know, she can also hear a dog-whistle.

Quote from Lilith

Phil: Cold outside, huh?
Lilith: Yes.
Phil: And we got a slush thing going.
Lilith: So it seems.
Phil: Beer nut?
Lilith: No, thank you.
Phil: Have you ever been with an older man?
Lilith: Woody, I'm ready to settle up.
Phil: I'm not looking for commitment. [to a woman who comes and sits next to him] Cold outside, huh?

Quote from Norm

Norm: Paul, what time you got?
Paul: 10:36.
Norm: All right, lunchtime. Wood let's order, please.
Woody: Oh, okay, what will you guys have? Chinese, subs, cheese steak, Mexican?
Norm: Mmm, sounds good.
Paul: Mm-hmm.

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