Sam: Coach, is this what I think it is?
Coach: Well, what do you think it is?
Sam: I think it's something totally useless that some salesman talked you into buying.
Coach: Boy, you're good at thinking, Sam.
Sam: Oh. "The Billiard Buddy Pool Table Adapter."
Coach: Yeah, but it's not useless, Sam. You can make it into a Ping-Pong table, a knock hockey table, a salad bar.
Sam: How much?
Coach: Oh, I don't know. A buck, a buck and a half with croutons.
Sam: No, Coach, I mean how much for the whole thing?
Coach: Oh, 600 bucks, Sam, but the salesman- The salesman said, "Satisfaction guaranteed."
Sam: Or?
Coach: Now, that would have been a good question.
Sam: $600?
Coach: Yeah, hard to believe, isn't it?

Diane: Oh, Coach, I'm going to miss you. [they hug]
Coach: Oh, I'm going to miss you, too, honey. Listen. Thank you for coming back.
Diane: Will he be OK?
Coach: Well, I hope so.
Diane: Coach, do me a favor.
Coach: Sure.
Diane: Stand by him. [Coach starts to walk over to Sam] No, Coach. Coach, come back. Um... I tell you what,m instead of standing by him, why don't you just sort of watch over him?
Coach: Of course. Of course. Bye, sweetheart.

Carla: [answers the phone] Cheers. Yeah. Coach, your friend Walt.
Coach: Walt? [takes the phone] Walt, Walt. My God, it's so good to hear from you! Well, I'm so glad the operation's over, Walt. Listen, I didn't tell you beforehand, Walt, but I didn't think your chances going in there were too good. Oh, it's tomorrow? Well, listen, don't worry, Walt, you'll fly right through it. It's a piece of cake.

Amanda: White wine, please.
Coach: White wine.
Sam: Coach, I'll handle this one. I hope this isn't going to embarrass you too much, but I just have to tell you you have the most beautiful eyes that I have ever seen.
Coach: Well, I kinda get flustered, but it's nice to hear.

Coach: I always loved that kid Tommy. I mean, he was just a riot. He was always pulling something.
Cliff: Is that right?
Coach: Yeah, like, he put my toothbrush in a pair of sweaty socks. He left dead animals in my locker. One time, him and some guys held me down and shaved my whole body.
Cliff: Coach, you just let him do that to you?
Coach: No, no, Cliff. What I did was- He was trying to cram me into one of these clothes dryers one day. I pulled his socks right over his spikes.
Norm: Good one, Coach.
Coach: Yeah, the guys, what a laugh the guys got. I could see them through that little window. They were laughing.

Coach: Tommy, it's so good to see you.
Tom: Hey, Coach, good to see you. How you doing?
Coach: Just great. Tommy, you remember the time you put the analgesic balm in my jockstrap?
Tom: Yeah.
Coach: I think of you every time I get the itch.
Tom: Well, it's good to be remembered, Coach.

Cliff: Hey, Coach, if you serve that beer any slower, it's going to be vinegar before I get to it.
Coach: Oh, didn't I tell you, Cliff? I'm on the verge of setting a new monthly record for fewest glasses broken.
Cliff: Oh, that's great, Coach. How close are you?
Coach: Oh, I just have to make it to midnight without breaking seven glasses. [Coach drops a glass]
Cliff: Ooh. Oh, holy keote, Coach, there must be at least four inches of feathers down there.
Coach: Six inches, Cliffo. You can't be too careful when you're going for a record.
Cliff: Oh, Coach, I never thought I'd see the day when you're work with a net.
[Coach emerges from behind the bar with the bottom six inches of his body caked in feathers]
Coach: And you never will.

Frasier: I knew I should have waited for a better moment. Diane, I have been chosen to be this year's visiting scholar at the University of Bologna.
Diane: Oh, Frasier, that's wonderful.
Coach: The University of Bologna? I can't believe they need a university for a thing like that. I know it's a complicated meat, but...
Diane: Uh, Coach. Coach, the University of Bologna is the oldest university in the world. It has what is arguably the finest school of psychology in Europe.
Frasier: Now inarguably the finest.
Coach: Who's the dean, Oscar Mayer? [laughs]
Cliff: Yeah, well, I hear sausage jokes are making a comeback.

Coach: Norm, hold this for me.
Norm: Oh, what smells great, Coach?
Norm: I just came from the barbershop. They put on that zingy aftershave stuff.
Cliff: Oh, that explains why all these flies are dying here, Coach.

Coach: [sings] Taiwan, Taiwan on the sea That China Sea