Diane: Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.
Carla: If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.

Steve: Hey, Norm, your car's unlocked. Someone might steal your laundry.
Norm: What laundry?
Steve: That big, lumpy bundle on the front seat of your car.
Norm: Oh, that's my mother-in-law. She had kind of a rough flight and she nodded out the second she hit the upholstery.
Diane: And you left her out there in an unattended automobile?
Norm: I threw a blanket over her and I left her a note in case she comes to.
Diane: She's lucky to have you as a son-in-law, Norman.
Norm: Yeah. I give her the red-carpet treatment, I guess. [hands bar nuts to a passing man] Hey, pal. Could you do me a favor and toss these in the blue Civic out in front?

Lenny: Hi. Is Sam Malone here?
Coach: No, he isn't. What can I buy from you? What am I saying? What can I get you?
Lenny: Well, I'll have a beer. Say, my name is Lenny Barnes. I'm the publicist for the Chamber of Commerce charity softball game this Saturday. I'm looking for Sam Malone.
Coach: No, I can tell you right now, Lenny. He wouldn't be interested in that kind of thing. I mean, nobody with any dignity wants to get into those sideshow carnival things, where everybody's made to look stupid. Nobody.
Lenny: Hey, aren't you Ernie Pantusso?
Coach: I'd be honored to do it.
Lenny: Well, I don't think we need anybody else.
Coach: Oh, well. I find it hard to get up to Fenway these days.
Lenny: Yeah, the old memories come back?
Coach: No, I keep getting the wrong bus. I must have an old schedule.
Lenny: Wow, I guess those stories about you are true.
Coach: That they are, Lenny. That they are.

Ginger: Excuse me. Does anyone have a blue Civic with a bumper sticker that says, "Accountants Do It With Interest"?
Norm: I guess that would be mine. You know, it's true, by the way.
Andrea: They're towing it away.
Norm: Oh, did you happen to notice a little old lady trying to get out?
Ginger: No.
Norm: Oh, great. Another round, Coach.
Steve: Hey, Norm, what about your mother-in-law?
Norm: She's safe. The cops have her.

Carla: Here, would you take your drink?
Becky: Thank you. Are you upset about something?
Carla: You know what bugs me about women like you? You take off all your clothes, you pose for a magazine, thousands of men see you naked. I have to go to them one by one. It's not fair.

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
Norm: The usual, Coach. I'll have a trough of beer and a snorkel.

Sam: Yeah, it kind of feels good to open up like this. You know, when I was about six, I made my dad breakfast in bed on Father's Day. I was really proud of myself. All he could say was the eggs were too dry and the toast was too light.
Diane: Sam, I'm feeling a closeness to you now that compels me to share a core feeling of my own, something which I have yet to make privy to my analyst. It happened my 17th summer-
Sam: Yeah, I swear, if I'd made the toast any darker, he would have said I burned it.
Diane: I was brimming with the innocence of youth-
Sam: You know, everybody else in the world would have said, "Hey, that toast is perfectly fine."
Diane: Oh, stop with the damn toast tragedy.

Coach: I'm so surprised at Sam, Diane. I mean, he always said to me he'd never get involved in one of these things.
Diane: Maybe Sam misses being out there on the baseball field standing on the bump.
Coach: I think you got a point there, Diane. I miss seeing him out there on the bump, too, but incidentally, it's called a mound. Unless we're not talking about the same thing.

Sam: I have a right to be a little rusty. The only thing I've thrown in the past ten years is Diane's butt out of here.
Diane: No, Sam, you are thinking of the tantrums you threw when I walked out of here.
Carla: You know, the only thing I enjoy hearing more than you two argue on this subject, is hearing Cliff talk about Florida.
Cliff: Well, as a matter of fact, I was just about to tell Normie here that Florida is a pollution-free state. You know how they treat solid waste?
Carla: You said they treated you very well.

Diane: Oh, this is disgusting. In what kind of culture do I live where they are the ideal woman?
Coach: Well, gee, Diane, you've got admit they are beautiful.
Diane: Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive haircuts and those bodies and what have you got?
Carla: You.