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‘King of the Hill’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: King of the Hill

315. King of the Hill

Aired January 24, 1985

Sam joins a charity baseball match so he can play against a team of Playboy Playmates, but his competitive side gets the better of him.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.
Carla: If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.

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Quote from Norm

Steve: Hey, Norm, your car's unlocked. Someone might steal your laundry.
Norm: What laundry?
Steve: That big, lumpy bundle on the front seat of your car.
Norm: Oh, that's my mother-in-law. She had kind of a rough flight and she nodded out the second she hit the upholstery.
Diane: And you left her out there in an unattended automobile?
Norm: I threw a blanket over her and I left her a note in case she comes to.
Diane: She's lucky to have you as a son-in-law, Norman.
Norm: Yeah. I give her the red-carpet treatment, I guess. [hands bar nuts to a passing man] Hey, pal. Could you do me a favor and toss these in the blue Civic out in front?

Quote from Coach

Lenny: Hi. Is Sam Malone here?
Coach: No, he isn't. What can I buy from you? What am I saying? What can I get you?
Lenny: Well, I'll have a beer. Say, my name is Lenny Barnes. I'm the publicist for the Chamber of Commerce charity softball game this Saturday. I'm looking for Sam Malone.
Coach: No, I can tell you right now, Lenny. He wouldn't be interested in that kind of thing. I mean, nobody with any dignity wants to get into those sideshow carnival things, where everybody's made to look stupid. Nobody.
Lenny: Hey, aren't you Ernie Pantusso?
Coach: I'd be honored to do it.
Lenny: Well, I don't think we need anybody else.
Coach: Oh, well. I find it hard to get up to Fenway these days.
Lenny: Yeah, the old memories come back?
Coach: No, I keep getting the wrong bus. I must have an old schedule.
Lenny: Wow, I guess those stories about you are true.
Coach: That they are, Lenny. That they are.

Quote from Norm

Ginger: Excuse me. Does anyone have a blue Civic with a bumper sticker that says, "Accountants Do It With Interest"?
Norm: I guess that would be mine. You know, it's true, by the way.
Andrea: They're towing it away.
Norm: Oh, did you happen to notice a little old lady trying to get out?
Ginger: No.
Norm: Oh, great. Another round, Coach.
Steve: Hey, Norm, what about your mother-in-law?
Norm: She's safe. The cops have her.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Here, would you take your drink?
Becky: Thank you. Are you upset about something?
Carla: You know what bugs me about women like you? You take off all your clothes, you pose for a magazine, thousands of men see you naked. I have to go to them one by one. It's not fair.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
Norm: The usual, Coach. I'll have a trough of beer and a snorkel.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Yeah, it kind of feels good to open up like this. You know, when I was about six, I made my dad breakfast in bed on Father's Day. I was really proud of myself. All he could say was the eggs were too dry and the toast was too light.
Diane: Sam, I'm feeling a closeness to you now that compels me to share a core feeling of my own, something which I have yet to make privy to my analyst. It happened my 17th summer-
Sam: Yeah, I swear, if I'd made the toast any darker, he would have said I burned it.
Diane: I was brimming with the innocence of youth-
Sam: You know, everybody else in the world would have said, "Hey, that toast is perfectly fine."
Diane: Oh, stop with the damn toast tragedy.

Quote from Diane

Coach: I'm so surprised at Sam, Diane. I mean, he always said to me he'd never get involved in one of these things.
Diane: Maybe Sam misses being out there on the baseball field standing on the bump.
Coach: I think you got a point there, Diane. I miss seeing him out there on the bump, too, but incidentally, it's called a mound. Unless we're not talking about the same thing.

Quote from Carla

Sam: I have a right to be a little rusty. The only thing I've thrown in the past ten years is Diane's butt out of here.
Diane: No, Sam, you are thinking of the tantrums you threw when I walked out of here.
Carla: You know, the only thing I enjoy hearing more than you two argue on this subject, is hearing Cliff talk about Florida.
Cliff: Well, as a matter of fact, I was just about to tell Normie here that Florida is a pollution-free state. You know how they treat solid waste?
Carla: You said they treated you very well.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Oh, this is disgusting. In what kind of culture do I live where they are the ideal woman?
Coach: Well, gee, Diane, you've got admit they are beautiful.
Diane: Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive haircuts and those bodies and what have you got?
Carla: You.

Quote from Coach

Larry: Hey, Coach. What happened to our pool table?
Coach: It's still there, Larry, but thanks to our Billiard Buddy Adaptor, you know, it's more fun than ever now. It can be a knock hockey table, a Ping-Pong table, a slot-car track. You name it.
Larry: I want a pool table.
Coach: Well, let me get out my easy-to-follow conversion instructions here. Ah. Ah. Tool kit. For moving... And that.
Larry: Coach, how long is this going to take?
Coach: Ah, 20 minutes.
Larry: 20 minutes to put the pool table together?
Coach: No, 20 minutes to figure what the hell this is.
Larry: Forget it. I'll play Ping-Pong.
Coach: God bless you.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Coach, is this what I think it is?
Coach: Well, what do you think it is?
Sam: I think it's something totally useless that some salesman talked you into buying.
Coach: Boy, you're good at thinking, Sam.
Sam: Oh. "The Billiard Buddy Pool Table Adapter."
Coach: Yeah, but it's not useless, Sam. You can make it into a Ping-Pong table, a knock hockey table, a salad bar.
Sam: How much?
Coach: Oh, I don't know. A buck, a buck and a half with croutons.
Sam: No, Coach, I mean how much for the whole thing?
Coach: Oh, 600 bucks, Sam, but the salesman- The salesman said, "Satisfaction guaranteed."
Sam: Or?
Coach: Now, that would have been a good question.
Sam: $600?
Coach: Yeah, hard to believe, isn't it?

Quote from Norm

Norm: Cliffie, maybe you could help me out. My mother-in-law's in town.
Cliff: Ah, sorry.
Norm: As if that wasn't bad enough, she wants to go sightseeing.
Cliff: Well, hey, tell her to go to Florida.
Norm: I told her to go further south than that, actually, but she's interested in American history.
Diane: Well, Norman, take your mother to see Bunker Hill.
Norm: Where?
Diane: Bunker Hill. The scene of what many consider one of the most important battles in American history.
Norm: Wait, wait, wait. Are you talking about that place that I've got to go all the way around to get to the Minuteman pizza parlor?

Quote from Carla

Coach: Sam, are you really going to play in this charity game?
Sam: Yeah. I was out there warming up. My arm feels good.
Carla: Are you kidding me? When a butterfly lands on a ball in mid-flight, it's not cooking.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Tell me, Sam, what brought about this sudden altruistic bent in your personality?
Sam: Hey, come on, I resent that. "Sudden?" I've always cared very deeply for people less fortunate than myself.
Lenny: Here they are.
[A team of Playboy Playmates enters the bar]
Diane: Oh, Sam, you great big humanitarian.
Sam: Who says you can't work for a worthy cause and still be sexually aroused?
Diane: You could be having an appendectomy and still be sexually aroused.
Sam: Be that as it may. I have to excuse myself now and go say hello to my fellow do-gooders.

Quote from Sam

Sam: So my place or yours?
Ginger: I have a roommate.
Sam: Yours it is.

Quote from Diane

Sam: I know what you're thinking and I don't care.
Diane: If you think I'm even concerned, you are wrong. Your sortie into sordidness has no effect on my emotions. You could make love to all five of those women and I would feel nothing. As I'm sure would they.
Sam: Why don't you come over here and let me introduce you to the girls. I want to show them the charity I was involved with last year.
Diane: You are a sand flea.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Yeah, the final score was Sam's team seven, Playmates zero. He was blowing those girls away. It was a massacre. I lost track of the final strike outs, but the important thing is the twinkies lost.
Sam: [enters] Ta-da!
Carla: Yay! Sammy, my man! Way to hum! Whoo!
Sam: Hey, did you hear I got 18 strike outs?
Steve: Uh, Sam, I counted 17.
Sam: No, the ump was blind. That ball cut the corner. Hey, Coach, drinks are on me. We're celebrating here.
Cliff: Hey, Sammy, what happened to the Playmates? I thought they were to sashay down here after the game.
Sam: Yeah, they were. You know, I guess they're sore losers. What happened to sportsmanship, huh?
Norm: Maybe they were a little put off by your victory laps.
Sam: Come on, man. That was just a joke. Hey, though, that was a pretty good game, wasn't it? I mean, I really had my stuff back.
Diane: Wasn't this game supposed to be for fun?
Sam: That's right. I had a great time.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Come on! Hey, people don't pay to watch their baseball stars stink. They pay to watch them relive their old glories.
Carla: You know, Sammy, I was more thrilled than anybody to see you out there flinging it again, but even I was a little embarrassed when you put one in Babette's ear 'cause she was crowding the plate.
Sam: Hey, the plate belongs to me. If she can't stand the heat, she shouldn't have crossed the baseline. Hey, come on, here. We're celebrating, guys.
Coach: Sam, you mean you knocked a girl down?
Sam: No, Coach, I didn't knock a girl down. I knocked a batter down. I mean, she was halfway across the plate.
Coach: Oh, halfway across the plate, she deserves it. Let's celebrate.
Diane: Oh, yes, by all means. Let's celebrate. This is such a major accomplishment, Sam. I think you're ready to take on the Camp Fire Girls All-Stars.
Norm: Way to go, Diane.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Oh, good, Diane's here.
Diane: Sam, you are an attractive man. You have many friends. You have a lot going for you. But you have one miserable character flaw.
Sam: Gee, I wonder if I could coax you into telling me what that is.
Diane: Sam, you and I dated for what seemed an eternity and I think I know you pretty well. You get into a contest and you'd rather die than lose. I'm surmising, but I think you fear of losing drove you to drink and ruined your career.
Sam: I'm going to tell you something and then I'd appreciate it if you leave. A little competitiveness is a healthy thing.
Diane: But you have more than a little competitiveness. Sam, you're very sick.
Sam: I am not.
Diane: Yes, you are and I can prove it. Why did you play this game in the first place? To impress a bevy of buxom Bunnies, who now will never speak to you again. You wanted to beat them more than you wanted to bed them.
Sam: My God, I am sick.

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