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‘Teacher's Pet’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Teacher's Pet

316. Teacher's Pet

Aired January 31, 1985

When Sam starts taking high school classes to finally get his degree, he stumbles upon way to get good grades without studying.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Coach, I'm just taking geography. It's the last thing I have to complete so I can get my diploma.
Coach: Well, Sam, it would only be a start for me, you know. As a matter of fact, as I remember it now, I was very good in geography.
Sam: Really?
Coach: Yeah. Or was it geometry? Diane, give me a question in geometry.
Diane: What is the sum of the angles in an isosceles triangle?
Coach: It was geography.

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Quote from Coach

Norm: Oh, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Sam. A lot of famous people never graduated high school.
Sam: Yeah, right. Name three, Norm.
Norm: According to "The Book Of Lists", Thomas Edison, Noel Coward, Cher... never graduated.
Coach: Cher?!
Norm: Absolutely. Never finished, Coach.
Coach: Whoa, I feel a lot better now.
Norm: Why? You never finished either?
Coach: No, I was missing a couple of those what-d'-you-ma-call-its?
Diane: Units?
Coach: No, years, Diane.

Quote from Diane

Diane: What was the test about, Sam?
Sam: I don't know. I forget.
Diane: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You got an A on this test and you don't even know what it covered?
Sam: After a quiz, I like to empty out my head.
Diane: How? By blowing your nose?
Sam: I got an A, didn't l?

Quote from Coach

Coach: Now, Sam, you can learn about anything in this world if you just follow my little trick. Got it? All right, Albania. Here, Albania. Or, should we say [sings] Albania?
Sam: Why did you say it like that?
Coach: We learn our facts by associating countries with music.
Sam: Why?
Coach: Do you want to study alone?
Sam: No, no, no.
Coach: One, two, three... [sings] Albania, Albania You border on the Adriatic Your land is mostly mountainous And your chief export is chrome You're a communist republic, You're a red regime [talks] Sing it, Sam. Ready?
Coach & Sam: [sing] Albania, Albania You border on the Adriatic...

Quote from Diane

Diane: This is no time for levity. I think Sam might be drinking again. Oh, I was afraid of this. Day after day of watching Frasier and me exulting in our joy has finally driven him over the edge.
Norm: Come on, Diane. I doubt seriously if he's drinking. There's lots of other things he could be doing in there.
Diane: Like what?
Norm: Maybe he's reading just like he said.
Diane: Oh, it can't be that. I was once with Sam when he was reading. I'd recognize the sounds anywhere.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Sam didn't seem to retain much from the test.
Coach: Yeah, but he does just great. I never realized what a brain he is. I study all the time. He sleeps in the classroom. He never takes a note. And still he gets the great grades. No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.
Diane: Miss Purdy?
Coach: Yeah, our beautiful school teacher.
Diane: And Sam is her favourite?
Coach: Well, I can't say that. But Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.
Diane: They kiss?
Coach: Yeah, I saw them smooching in the parking lot. I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.
Diane: With probing tongues?
Coach: No, Diane, with a thumbtack and my thumb.

Quote from Sam

Diane: It's a sad commentary on our educational system when a harlot like this is allowed in the public schools.
Sam: Hey, if I remember correctly, when we met you were dating your professor.
Diane: For your information, I was a legitimate A student in the classroom. I never got good grades in the sack.
Sam: Oh, don't worry. I always gave you an E for effort, didn't I?

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Carla, might I have a word? Look, you know, I know how you always like to poke fun at me and whatnot, but I'd really appreciate it if you stayed away from one area in particular that I'm really sensitive about. That is my ears.
Carla: I don't make jokes about your ears. Why would I make jokes about- Oh, my God! I never noticed those satellite dishes before. Gee, I must have been distracted by the other atrocities attached to your head.
Cliff: Yeah, well, look, just hear me out on this one, will you? Last night I went through my insurance policy and I discovered that I'm eligible for an ear tuck. You know, it's going to be hard enough for me to go through without you razzing me all the time. So all I want to ask is that you please, please, please not, after I do it, make my life a living hell.
Carla: This really means a lot to you.
Cliff: It's the most important thing in my life.
Carla: Yeah, well, go ahead. Get it done. We'll see.
Cliff: Oh, and one other thing, Carla. Would you kind of lay off about how I live with my mother?
Carla: Oh, gee wizz, Cliff, you've got to give me something. What am I going to tease you about?
Cliff: Uh, I'm not the most tidy guy in the world.
Carla: Oh, OK. I'll limit myself to that.
Cliff: Thank you, Carla.
Carla: You're welcome. By the way, your mother called. She said you left your earmuffs in the driveway and no one can get out. That was a tidy tease.

Quote from Carla

Sam: I'll be in my office. [exits]
Diane: He locked his door.
Carla: [gasps] And we're trapped out here with you.
Diane: Sam never locks his door.
Coach: He's done that two or three times this week, Diane.
Norm: Yeah, he did it the other night and he never made a sound. Stayed in there till closing time.
Diane: Oh, my God. The thing I feared worst has happened.
Carla: Your living bra died of boredom.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Hello, Sam.
Sam: Hello. Whoa, what are you doing? Why are you sniffing like that?
Diane: What's that?
Sam: I told you, I had a book.
Diane: "The World And Its People." This is surprising, Sam. You're reading a book whose title doesn't contain the words naughty, hot, or throbbing?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Sam, why does a guy like you want to go back to high school? I mean, you got everything a man could want. And you dumped the one thing no man wants.

Quote from Carla

Diane: I can't believe he's sunk to these depths. I curse the day I ever walked into this bar.
Carla: Then it's unanimous.

Quote from Diane

Sam: I guess that just leaves you and me, huh?
Diane: Oh, dear, Sam. This is a problem. Frasier and I have tickets for a piece of experimental theatre tonight. I feel obligated to go because the last act takes place in Frasier's living room.
Sam: Well, I'd hate to have you miss that.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Cliffie, I thought you were going to get your ears done today.
Cliff: Ah, well, I decided this is the way God made me, and who am I to question His judgement?
Norm: You were wrong about the insurance company covering it?
Cliff: Mostly that.

Quote from Diane

Diane: What do you have there, Sam?
Carla: Looks like books.
Sam: Yeah, I guess you could call them books. There's something I've been meaning to read.
Diane: Ah, why don't you open one up so we can all see the little gingerbread house pop out?
Coach: Well, you wasted your money on that one, Sam. You'll be disappointed with the ending.

Quote from Diane

Diane: This is exciting news. Our Sammy is going to attain his Bachelor of what? Art? Sciences?
Sam: High school.
Diane: His Bachelor... High school?! What?
Sam: Yeah, I never graduated from high school. You know, in my senior year I got a contract to play Class A ball. Spring training didn't start until February and school didn't get out until June.
Diane: High school.
Sam: Yeah, I always promised my parents I'd go back and finish. She was a lot happier about this in the other room.
Diane: I spent a year of my life being defiled by Dobie Gillis. I'm terribly sorry. I just assumed you meant college.
Sam: Oh, I plan to go to college, too.
Diane: Well, good. Let me know when you get there so I can go out of the house without a veil.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I can't do that, Diane. I'm not prepared to take the exam.
Diane: Well, Coach will help you. Oh, Sam, you started out with such noble intentions. I hate to see you end up like this.
Sam: Yeah, I know you're right. Well, maybe, right after I take the exam, then I'll call her. [Diane picks up the phone] Oh, Come on... Maybe with Coach's help, I can get by. [on the phone] Hello, Miss Purdy? It's little Sammy Malone from the third row. Yeah, listen, Alana, about school, I had this crazy thought. I'm even embarrassed to mention it. But do you think maybe our relationship is in any way affecting the marks I've been getting? You know, like making you unconsciously change some of- What? You are? Well, that's nice, but... Me? Uh, yeah, I'm naked, too.
Diane: Sounds like we're ready for the class photo.
Sam: No, there's no one here. It was an insect, but I killed it. Listen, I'm serious about this. I would like my grade to be based on my knowledge of geography. No, I mean it. Did I say something funny? Yeah, well, when you see the results of my tests, you're going to be laughing out the other side of your hemisphere. If you'll excuse me, I've got some studying to do. Whoa, is there anything in particular I should cram? All right, okay, but just remember, I gave you that one as a going-away present. [hangs up] Boy, that lady has got a mean mouth on her for a 73-year-old. [off Diane's look] I was joking, I was joking!

Quote from Sam

Sam: Coach, what's the capital of North Dakota?
Coach: Easy. Bismarck.
Sam: She thinks it's Pierre. [laughter]
Diane: All right, I may have inadvertently switched the two.
Sam: Oregon. Give me the capital of Oregon.
Diane: Portland.
Sam: No, it isn't. It's Eugene.
Diane: Oh, I knew that. It just slipped my mind.
Sam: No, it isn't Eugene. It's Salem. [laughter] Do you believe this?
Diane: [to herself] Ignorance is bliss. This is Eden.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Well, there's one sure way to ascertain whether he's drinking. I will smell his breath. [knocks on Sam's door]
Sam: [o.s.] Go away.
Diane: Sam, it's Diane.
Sam: [o.s.] Go far away.

Quote from Diane

Sam: I told you, it's just a book I'm reading.
Diane: It's not just a book. It's a textbook. Are you back in school?
Sam: Promise you won't tell anybody, will you, please?
Diane: Oh, Sam, this is nothing to keep secret. This is wonderful. Why are you concealing it?
Sam: Well, it's a little embarrassing, isn't it? A guy my age going back to school.
Diane: It's not embarrassing! It's noble and fine and I think it's very inspirational. Let's tell everyone!
Sam: No, come on, come on, come on. You know how the guys make fun of me.
Diane: Sam, no one enjoys teasing you more than I do and I refrained.

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