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Teacher's Pet

‘Teacher's Pet’

Season 3, Episode 16 -  Aired January 31, 1985

When Sam starts taking high school classes to finally get his diploma, he stumbles upon a way to get good grades without studying.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Coach, I'm just taking geography. It's the last thing I have to complete so I can get my diploma.
Coach: Well, Sam, it would only be a start for me, you know. As a matter of fact, as I remember it now, I was very good in geography.
Sam: Really?
Coach: Yeah. Or was it geometry? Diane, give me a question in geometry.
Diane: What is the sum of the angles in an isosceles triangle?
Coach: It was geography.

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Quote from Coach

Norm: Oh, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Sam. A lot of famous people never graduated high school.
Sam: Yeah, right. Name three, Norm.
Norm: According to "The Book Of Lists", Thomas Edison, Noel Coward, Cher... never graduated.
Coach: Cher?!
Norm: Absolutely. Never finished, Coach.
Coach: Whoa, I feel a lot better now.
Norm: Why? You never finished either?
Coach: No, I was missing a couple of those what-d'-you-ma-call-its?
Diane: Units?
Coach: No, years, Diane.

Quote from Diane

Diane: What was the test about, Sam?
Sam: I don't know. I forget.
Diane: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You got an A on this test and you don't even know what it covered?
Sam: After a quiz, I like to empty out my head.
Diane: How? By blowing your nose?
Sam: I got an A, didn't l?

Quote from Coach

Coach: Now, Sam, you can learn about anything in this world if you just follow my little trick. Got it? All right, Albania. Here, Albania. Or, should we say [sings] Albania?
Sam: Why did you say it like that?
Coach: We learn our facts by associating countries with music.
Sam: Why?
Coach: Do you want to study alone?
Sam: No, no, no.
Coach: One, two, three... [sings] Albania, Albania You border on the Adriatic Your land is mostly mountainous And your chief export is chrome You're a communist republic, You're a red regime [talks] Sing it, Sam. Ready?
Coach & Sam: [sing] Albania, Albania You border on the Adriatic...

Quote from Diane

Diane: This is no time for levity. I think Sam might be drinking again. Oh, I was afraid of this. Day after day of watching Frasier and me exulting in our joy has finally driven him over the edge.
Norm: Come on, Diane. I doubt seriously if he's drinking. There's lots of other things he could be doing in there.
Diane: Like what?
Norm: Maybe he's reading just like he said.
Diane: Oh, it can't be that. I was once with Sam when he was reading. I'd recognize the sounds anywhere.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Sam didn't seem to retain much from the test.
Coach: Yeah, but he does just great. I never realized what a brain he is. I study all the time. He sleeps in the classroom. He never takes a note. And still he gets the great grades. No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.
Diane: Miss Purdy?
Coach: Yeah, our beautiful school teacher.
Diane: And Sam is her favourite?
Coach: Well, I can't say that. But Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.
Diane: They kiss?
Coach: Yeah, I saw them smooching in the parking lot. I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.
Diane: With probing tongues?
Coach: No, Diane, with a thumbtack and my thumb.

Quote from Sam

Diane: It's a sad commentary on our educational system when a harlot like this is allowed in the public schools.
Sam: Hey, if I remember correctly, when we met you were dating your professor.
Diane: For your information, I was a legitimate A student in the classroom. I never got good grades in the sack.
Sam: Oh, don't worry. I always gave you an E for effort, didn't I?

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Carla, might I have a word? Look, you know, I know how you always like to poke fun at me and whatnot, but I'd really appreciate it if you stayed away from one area in particular that I'm really sensitive about. That is my ears.
Carla: I don't make jokes about your ears. Why would I make jokes about- Oh, my God! I never noticed those satellite dishes before. Gee, I must have been distracted by the other atrocities attached to your head.
Cliff: Yeah, well, look, just hear me out on this one, will you? Last night I went through my insurance policy and I discovered that I'm eligible for an ear tuck. You know, it's going to be hard enough for me to go through without you razzing me all the time. So all I want to ask is that you please, please, please not, after I do it, make my life a living hell.
Carla: This really means a lot to you.
Cliff: It's the most important thing in my life.
Carla: Yeah, well, go ahead. Get it done. We'll see.
Cliff: Oh, and one other thing, Carla. Would you kind of lay off about how I live with my mother?
Carla: Oh, gee wizz, Cliff, you've got to give me something. What am I going to tease you about?
Cliff: Uh, I'm not the most tidy guy in the world.
Carla: Oh, OK. I'll limit myself to that.
Cliff: Thank you, Carla.
Carla: You're welcome. By the way, your mother called. She said you left your earmuffs in the driveway and no one can get out. That was a tidy tease.

Quote from Carla

Sam: I'll be in my office. [exits]
Diane: He locked his door.
Carla: [gasps] And we're trapped out here with you.
Diane: Sam never locks his door.
Coach: He's done that two or three times this week, Diane.
Norm: Yeah, he did it the other night and he never made a sound. Stayed in there till closing time.
Diane: Oh, my God. The thing I feared worst has happened.
Carla: Your living bra died of boredom.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Hello, Sam.
Sam: Hello. Whoa, what are you doing? Why are you sniffing like that?
Diane: What's that?
Sam: I told you, I had a book.
Diane: "The World And Its People." This is surprising, Sam. You're reading a book whose title doesn't contain the words naughty, hot, or throbbing?

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